QuestionHello,
We're an 8 yr married couple, 3 young children, one parent works, the other stays at home raising the children. Over time, there has been drifting apart. One parent likes to travel, the other doesn't. One likes to go out to eat, movies etc, the other is a homebody. One parent likes things where there are lots of people around, the other likes things where noone is around. For example, one might like going to a busy beach while the other might enjoy camping in the woods. The spectrum is wide and very different. One parent is becoming restless and wanting to travel more, more often and feels like they are missing out on life while the other doesn't feel that way. These were non issues before children, but one parent has been thinking alot about life lately and they deserve more than this. There is resentment, one parent for not giving more to the parent who wants more out of life, and the other parent because of the raising duties not being shared equally. One parent feels the other should be working. The communication used to be good, but in the last year it is non existent. Both hearts ache. It seems to be snowballing tremendously fast. Each day is the same after the children go to sleep, we ignore each other, one on the computer and the other outside or watching tv. The only communication is sparse comments of how one partner doesn't go enough places. Or constant bickering of how one partner would be gone if it were economically feasible. What can we do to fix this? Each parent has different likes, so what are some ways to deal with each and still satisfy their own desires?
Thank you.
AnswerHi MJ,
Thanks for writing. It sure does sound like you both have the woes, and I am sympathetic to you. Many of us reach a point a "mid life" where we reflect on where we are in life and what we really want, but this does not have to mean the end of a relationship, it can be a place to start a whole new beginning together.
First, I was taken aback by how your letter was written in third person. As a therapist, I think that this may be a way to dissociate yourself from the problem rather to be in it and to feel it totally. Is this the case, or were you wanting to attempt to give me a balanced view from both person's point-of-view? The problem with the second idea is that you can't. You have your perspective, and I would have to hear the other person's perspective first-hand to get a more balanced view.
Now, let's get back to what you wrote about. In marriage, a big mistake couples make is to think that it is their partner's responsibility to make them happy, when in truth it is your own responsibility to make YOU happy. As a partner, it IS your responsibility to find out what you can do to increase and enhance your partner's life, and then to work to do those things. Doing those things is called LOVE. Love is a verb, an action word of doing for others ... whether you feel like it or not. Some people are too self-centered to love another, and couples need to decide it they want to put the work into a relationship that is required to keep it healthy. It does take lots and lots of mindfulness, awareness, and work.
Your partner is in your life for a reason. He or she is your teacher, and you are supposed to be learning something. What is the lesson you are to learn? Is it patience, understanding, giving, being open to new experiences, empathy, or ....? I suggest you start focusing not on what you don't have but on what you do have. Imagine that your relationship is all that you want it to be. Take the walls down and open your heart to your partner without expectation ... see what magic may occur.
Surely you two would benefit from marriage counseling and I am surprised with things as bad as they are they you haven't done that. An advice column alone is not going to be enough to turn this train around, so please get the help that you need and deserve.
I wish you the best.
Doctor Becky
