Questionthank you for responding, i undrestand that he might not be happy because i spend sometimes with my parents, but my problem but if he can not suport me for something not that big like this, then how in the world he is going to be helpful later on. I don't like the way he thinks about marriage, marriage in my undrestanding is not only about him it is about both woman and man. so why when i need it him to help me he acted like a kid. and not only that even he mentioned that he don't love me that much to even try to like my parents. so when he don't love me why should i love him. I know i do love him but it doeasn't mean i don't love my slefe. Ya in my culture it is importent to respect the parents and i did when it was his parents. if he married some one from his own country it means he wants the same culture then what happend. my culture was good only when it is about his parents. ya he married me to control me but i don't want him to be my boss i want a partner, I know it is importent to be with my husbend but i only go to my parents right after work and befor my classes (university) are started when hi is at work but when he see my car out side of my parents house he is getting sad and he makes those problems. he say that why i am wasting the gass to go over there while I do work and i don't think it is his money. eventhough we have a same account and i put my money in that account as well. so he is trying to control me. and i don't like that
please tell
me
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Followup To
Question -
I am 29 years old and I am married for 8 years. Since the first day of our marriage I had problem with him and his family. Somehow I thought I can fix this and I can do something. I did try my best to keep this marriage to work but it seems it is not going to work. He is 10 years older than me and if u ask me why I married him I can say I have no idea. When I married his family moved in with us and I wasn't happy about it and I told him that but when I felt he is sad I tried to be come and help as much as possible to make him happy, so I didn't talk about his parents and sisters who are living with us. They were with us for 2 years and when they moved out , my husband and I were closer to each other . Some how he felt I am supporting him which was true. Now after 7 years of our marriage my parent came to this country and they came to our house and from the first day he start acting wired and I didn't liked that. My parents left our house in 2 months I helped them to find a apartment and I am helping them with that and now my husband is unhappy that why I am helping them. I told him when u needed me I help u and I support and now I need u to support me and he is like he doesn't like my parents and he is disrespect them even though they didn't do any thing to him. (Good to mention that his parents were always talking bad behind me and he know that too). Sine I am helping my parents to get adjusted in this new life which they know nothing even the language my husband tells me if I want to help my parents basically if I love them he can't take it anymore and he don't want to be with me. I am not going leave my parents for someone who even can't replay my kindness but my problem is I can't leave him since I still have feeling for him. Please help me to make my decision and I am not even sure what to do anymore. I want to leave him I just need some support that helps me to forget h about him and don't even care for him how can I do that
Thank you
kiki
Answer -
Dear Kiki,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
First, I must tell you that it is difficult for me to answer you because of cultural difference that may exist between us. Since I am an American, I can only give you the "American" point of view, and this might not be good advice to you, given your cultural situation.
I understand from your post that you are very disappointed and hurt with your husband and his treatment of your family. This is unfortunate. Especially since you worked so hard to treat his parents with respect while they were living with you - even having to deal with their disrespect of you.
It is difficult for me to tell you this, and I am certain you will not like what I have to say, but above all, your responsibilties are to your husband. Yes, I know that you love your parents and wish to help them, but you cannot put your parents needs above those of your husband. Certainly, your parents cannot expect you to sacrifice your marriage to assist them in relocating. Please put yourself in your parents' position and imagine how YOU would feel if your needs caused the end of the marriage and happiness of one of your CHILDREN. (You don't mention if you have children, so you may have to use your imagination). I am very, very certain that your parents would not wish this to happen.
Therefore, I can only surmize that taking the time to "get them relocated" is mostly your idea. And judging from what you have told me, your husband feels threatened by you spending time with them in this capacity.
Could you be devoting too much time to them to the exclusion of caring for your home, family and husband? Does he feel that the time you spend with them is taking away from your time together? Most husbands wish for their wife to be happy, so I am perplexed why he would feel this way unless he is feeling as though you do not have time for him because of it.
I do not feel that you should forget about him and the marriage. The reason is that someday your parents will be gone and you will be alone in the world. Without a husband your life will be lonely. Maybe you think you will find another husband - and that may be true. But you have already invested eight years of your life with this man. Wouldn't it be much better to grow old with someone that you love and who loves you rather than spend your time looking for someone else?
In our culture, the wife leaves her father and mother and becomes one with her husband, creating a family of her own. Although she maintains a relationship with her former family she always gives her husband's needs priority over theirs. A thoughtful and gracious husband will understand when she needs to care for her parents, but she should not spend too much time so as to neglect her husband.
Please consider that perhaps you are guilty of doing this. Please consider, before you leave your husband, that it is your duty to him to be a wife first, and a daughter second. Sometimes we must sacrifice and compromise to keep a marriage and a husband happy, that is a woman's duty. I know that you care for your family, but is it worth losing your husband and your marriage?
Please think about this.
Best of luck to you.
R.M. French
AnswerDear Kiki,
Thank you for the follow up to clarify your issues and thoughts.
I do understand your frustration and anger. However, I believe that in any realtionship (not just marriage), that you must give freely of your heart with no expectations of repayment. Yes, you were kind and generous to your husband's parents - even in the face of their being rude to you by talking behind your back and saying unkind things. But I believe that being nice to them and then expecting a "repayment" for your actions is unfair. We do kind things because we wish to do them, not because we expect some kind of repayment down the line.
These days, many women agree with you that a marriage should be a 50/50 arrangement with the wife having the same rights, etc., as the husband. For many people this arrangement works well. Personally, I think that it is a wife's duty to always put her husband's wishes and needs before her own (or those of her family). This is just my philosophy and it works well for me. I do not feel that it is healthy for a marriage for a wife and husband to be in competition with each other for "what is right or fair".
It seems that you are unwilling to work out a compromise with your husband about the time that is spent with your parents. It seems to me that he has already given into your wish to go to the University, which takes more time away from him and the home. I feel that he is justified in being angry or upset that you wish to spend even MORE time away from your home. I expect that he simply wants you to be his wife and feels hurt and disappointed that your interests are not the same.
I would strongly suggest trying to work out a schedule that is fair to both of you. Although, I feel that you will be reluctant to do so. Maybe if you agree to stay home two days out of the week and care for him and the house exclusively that this will make your husband happy, if you are willing to do this. However, my guess is that you are not willing to compromise to suit his needs.
I wish I could offer you a better solution. But without a willingness to compromise, there can be no resolution to this problem.
Best of luck to you.
R. M. French
