QuestionQUESTION: Hi Danielle. I am a woman in my mid twenties who has known for as far back as I can remember that I do NOT want children. To be perfectly frank, I do not like children. I can only handle them in small doses, and often feel annoyed by unruly children in restaurants, movie theaters, shopping malls etc. I have always felt as if there was something wrong with me, because all of my female friends think babies and children are so cute, and either have or can't wait to have one of their own.
Not only do I not have any maternal instinct, I am NOT domestic either. I couldn't cook to save my life, and am perfectly content to survive on take-out and frozen dinners. I only do the bare minimum when it comes to housework, and don't like cooking, decorating, fashion etc.
The other day I got into a heated discussion over the topic of having children. I made it clear that I did not want children, if ever I were to get pregnant accidentally i would have another abortion. I have already had one before. One man told me that he believed if a woman didn't like children it was unnatural, and she must be selfish and coldhearted. And a woman who was seated at the table with us started going on about how the "unborn child" was innocent and defenseless and blah blah.
But the fetus is NOT innocent, and is infringing on MY rights. IT makes the woman sick and causes her pain and distress. The mere thought of having something growing inside of me disgusts me, to be blunt. And scares me! I don't view pregnancy or childbirth as beautiful. I think it's disgusting.
I don't know if you've ever heard of the show "Eighteen kids and counting"? They are devout christians, and the mother has birthed eighteen children(and does not use birth control!) naturally. I feel THAT is unnatural and surely that must be harmful to her?
I just don't understand why in this day and age people still believe it is "unnatural" for a woman to want something else out of life besides being a mother, and people are so against abortion. How dare anyone tell me what to do with MY body?! It's infuriating! And how dare anyone try to make me feel like a freak for not wanting kids? I got the same reaction when I recently told a friend that I decided to stop my periods when I was sixteen(with the birth control shot) and said it was an inconvenience. Having periods are NOT medically necessary, and I hated the constant reminder that I was fertile. But a lot of women are all into embracing their periods as part of womenhood, and think that we are superior to men because we are able to give life, and that this is a miracle and all that. Yeah right. I just love bleeding every month, dealing with moodswings, cramps, the inconvenience of having to change your tampon/pad, not to talk about the expense!
Sorry this is so long, but this is so frustrating. What are your thoughts on this as a pro choice activist/woman? Thanks you.
Heather
ANSWER: Selfish and coldhearted? That's a dumb, ignorant thing to say. Selfish and coldhearted would be having a child you DON'T WANT.
Oh yea, I've heard of that family. Yeah, I don't know how one body can take that. My issue is that I really doubt all the kids are getting the emotional care and attention a kid should get. I hear people go "oh, but they are financially ok and can provide everything!" So? What about emotional needs? The older ones parent the younger ones in that family-they're KIDS. Kids should not have to be parenting their own siblings. I'd much rather see have a parent who happens to need financial assistance and give their kid(s) the emotional help they need than a family that requires several sets of parents.
It's just another disgusting product of our sexist society. YES. The stopping periods! Ok, the only reason the makers of the birth control pill put in a placebo week was for psychological comfort (reassurance there wasn't a pregnancy), not because it would be unhealthy to do so. I'd rather not spend a weekend heavily bleeding, thanks. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're a freak-you're anything but. Wow-what makes us superior to men is the ability to birth? That's pretty sexist. The only thing that qualifies us as better is something that can be forced upon us, lovely.
I totally understand. It's undeniably sexist what these people are saying, no way around it. I hate the "maternal instinct" thing. Really, there's a damn simple explanation that is amazing these people don't get it: Some women want kids, some don't. I mean, how hard is that to understand?! These people don't even realize how sexist their thoughts are, since it's so normalized.
About the anti-abortion thing. They should know that we don't require inmates on death row to donate blood, or give up their organs-why should a woman have to do the same? Just know that your feelings are in NO WAY weird or abnormal. But other people's feelings on this-they're sexist, ignorant, and, well, wrong.
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QUESTION: Hi again. It's good to know that I'm not the ONLY woman who gets aggravated/annoyed by this type of thinking. I don't know why everyone is so enthralled by the Duggar family, and that show is so popular. I think the parents are freaks. It's sad that the girls are being raised in that environment. This doesn't really have anything to do with abortion, but as a sidenote the kids are not allowed to go on dates without a chaperone. They don't even call it dating they call it a "courtship". They are only allowed to go on a date with someone they think might be good marriage material. That is always supossed to be at the forefront of their mind. They are not allowed to show affection towards each other, think sexual thoughts etc because that is something "special" reserved for marriage. And if you kiss or touch or whatever with more than one person, it won't be special anymore. I wouldn't want my teenage son/daughter thinking about marriage. I would want them to focus on just having a good time, exploring life etc.
And the mom talks about how she lovingly "submits" to her husband, and how she is the nurturer, he the provider etc Sickening! I agree that it would be impossible to give eighteen kids(they are not done yet) the attention they need, and that children should not be taking on adult responsibilities. I noticed it's mostly the girls of course that take care of the younger ones.
I was wondering, isn't it medically harmful to have all those children? And why does everyone make it sound like pregnancy is no big deal? When I say that pregnancy can be debilitating and painful they look at me like I'm nuts! This one guy actually said "hey lady, havent you ever heard of an epidural? I'm not a medical expert, but epidurals don't prevent a woman from feeling any pain right?
I find it interesting that some people say that being able to get pregnant and give birth is a miracle, and makes us superior. SOme feminists have argued that the fact that women are the ones who get pregnant and are expected to bear the brunt of childcare responsibilities actually puts us at a disadvantage!
I honestly don't get why so many women feel they want to go through with a period when it isn't necessary. It really isn't! There are no health benefits to having a period are there? It's basically all about fertility. Why should I have to go through that every month when I don't even want to get pregnant? My friend was like "it's only for one week, it's no big deal". But why be uncomfortable and miserable for a week out of my life when I don't have to be?
And one last thing. I'm the only one who thinks the idea of pregnancy and childbirth is kind of gross, not "beautiful" or "miraculous"? I get totally grossed out! I had a friend invite me into the delivery room with her, and I had to decline. I have a weak stomach and knew I would sick everywhere! I didn't even like it when she would ask me if I wanted to touch her belly and feel the "baby" move, because it freaked me out. The idea of there being something inside of her. I wouldn't like it. It would feel like a violation to me, especially if it was forced on me. I don't understand why people get so upset to hear that. It's honestly how I feel you know? I'm not forcing it on anyone else, unlike them.
You would be surprised how many people think that if a woman doesn't like children that shows she is not compassionate. I am a very compassionate person. I just don't think kids are cute at all. I have a soft spot in my heart for animals, and have several pets. I don't think that my friends who don't like animals are coldhearted. It's not like I go around abusing or hurting kids. ANd I don't like to see them being abused either. I just don't like them
Thanks for discussing this with me Danielle. I appreciate it.
Heather
AnswerYou're definitely not alone! Wow. I don't know much about them, but...ugh. That could so easily screw with their sexuality, I don't even want to think about it :/
Yep, a good healthy dose of those gender roles! That's the exact way of thinking I hope we can one day live without. I was HOPING, that if one thing, the girls wouldn't be the ones with the majority of the "mothering" work on them. Unfortunately not a surprise. I hope at some point they get to live their own lives.
Wow. Yeah, pregnancy is no easy feat. Some go well, others don't. And epidurals do not do any good. Yeah, they'll relieve pain-but what too many people don't know is that the way birth is treated by hospitals is so anti-woman it's amazing. They want you in and out nice and fast, so many times they'll give the woman pitocin, which speeds up contractions-causing longer, more painful contractions then they'd usually be. Then an epidural is needed, which slows things down, so more pitocin, more pain, more epidural! And what does that do? It causes the fetus to go into distress since its oxygen supply gets cut off, and a C-section is needed. Oh, and maybe he should learn about how *wonderful* those must be. Not only did you just go through over 9 months of pregnancy, but now you have a cut on you that causes pain even when you laugh. Yeah, so just get an epidural, but then have you and your body treated as some type of sickness.
Yep. One thing that just absolutely gets to me is that if a woman is pregnant, the guy can just GO-leave, not deal with any of it! And there's some young men I know who say "oh she'd just go and get an abortion." Because it's that simple, right? She'll waltz into the clinic, get it done immediately, and go right on out. And maybe if this society wasn't so jacked up, having children wouldn't slow some women down so much. Women are the ones expected to halt their careers, sacrifice work, have to do the "work/family" balance. Are men ever under that pressure? Not as much as women.
There's people who argue vehemently on either side of the period thing. No, we don't know what the long term effects of suppressing periods might be, if any, but then there are some who say having as many periods as we do in this modern age may not be too healthy. Years ago, women were pregnant a lot of the time-which meant breaks from menstruation. So THEY weren't having as many periods as us. I could probably get some info on it if you want some. (It's dealing with the whole debate about birth control period suppression). Yeah, there are MANY women who don't see the point of it either-discomfort, inconvenience-no, I'm fine thanks.
You're definitely not alone in that either. It's just exactly as you say-if you express that opinion, it's not uncommon to be met with really absurd reactions. People react emotionally to so much, it's near impossible for them to have a rational discussion about certain things, and this is one of them.
Those people are ridiculous. They should be focusing their attention on anti-choice folks who deny women the right to choose if and when to bear children, hate government "handouts" and and don't seem to give a damn about the link between guns in the house and hurt kids. There is so much hypocrisy on that side it's pretty hilarious (but sad).
Thank YOU! People are so rude and ignorant when it comes to women's reproductive rights, but little do they know, many, MANY people feel exactly as you do :)
