QuestionHey, I just want to say I feel like the worst person in the world. I had an abortion and though I really didnt want to my mom gave me no choice threatening to not be there for me because I was sick...Now Im suffering everyday! Im trying so hard to accept what has happened.. but how can I accept me aborting my own child just to please my mother...I hat emyself so much..Im in school, Im failing already beacsue all I see is little hands, little feet in my head! Im hurting so bad, and I need help. But I odnt know what to do. My mom keeps throwing my feelings aside saying this and that gone occupy your mind. Just like she lied and said the abortion would make everything better.... Im hurting, not her, and this is what she wanted. How can anyone be so cruel. She made me go against my morals and beliefs because I despise abortion. Everyday I want to die. everyday no matter how many baths I take, I feel disgusting. everyday I cry until Im all cried out... My baby! My baby! WHy me? Why I had to be the only one of her children sh eput in this situation. I hat eher for that. i want my life back. i want it back now! But it wil never be the same. I dont know what to do but die to end this pain. I dont wanna live anymore! How do I get help/ no one else cares!
AnswerHi Kenyada :)
Go here: http://www.4exhale.org/
Please don't hurt yourself. Your mom should never have made you do that-it's as despicable as a mother forcing her child to give birth against her wishes. Look-YOU didn't abort it, your mom did. It didn't feel pain, I assure you. I don't even know if that helps. Could you start keeping a journal about how you feel? Maybe write letters to your baby, explaining what happened and how you feel. What's wrong is that your mother forced you to do this. I guess she knows how you feel, so maybe you want to work through this on your own-even though you're not on your own! Call EXHALE, and they'll be there for you, and I'm here! Always feel free to message me. I think you're thinking of this as YOU killing the baby. Two things:
1) You are not a murderer, or a killer. I don't know how far along you were, but early on, a little group of cells is removed.
2). YOU didn't abort-your mom did. Make sense? When someone is stripped of their agency, they can't make a decision with consent. Here's an example: when a kid is bullied, she may feel scared, threatened, and fearful of standing up for herself. So she keeps quiet, in order to get through it, and is abused by the bully-ers. She didn't get herself abused-she didn't have the agency to keep the bullies away and be safe.
Is there a school counselor you could talk to? Write a list-the good "what ifs" of if you had had the baby, but also the negative what-ifs-like affording diapers, clothes, daycare, etc. Maybe it will help, but no single activity will make you feel 100% better. Maybe call EXHALE, bu also keep a journal. As much as you may not feel like writing, especially when it means being so intimate with all these negative feelings, do so anyway. It will help. And you WILL get better. Don't be angry with yourself, support yourself, and look forward to getting better.
