QuestionHi
I'm Stephanie, 20 years old and I had an abortion last October. I was reading a previous answer you wrote to someone else and noticed you wrote that you immensely regret having the abortion. I was wondering how you dealt with these feelings, because I am in extreme regret. Since I had the abortion this feelings have gotten worse and worse and I am so depressed. The number one reason I decided to have an abortion is because of the pressure from my parents as well as from my boyfriend. However, my boyfriend wasn't overly pressuring--he wanted an abortion but then he just didn't seem to care at all and acted neutral and kind of distanced himself from me. We are still together today. I find it very hard for me to feel "normal" since the procedure. I feel depressed a lot... I am a university student but I have no motivation to work nor study. As soon as I think about what happened I start to cry... no one can seem to make me feel better, or see what they think is the "positive" side to this. Yes I am still a student, but I would have sacrificed school for a few years to have a baby. So that is my situation in a nutshell.. Just wondering your outlook and thoughts since you have seemed to go through a familiar situation.
Thanks Take Care,
Stephanie
AnswerDear Stephanie,
I am so glad that you've reached out to someone who can relate to your situation. That is the first, most important thing that you can do, rather than suffer in silence...because that's what we do, mothers like you and me...we are silent because no one wants to hear about our pain...we are silent because everyone just says "what's the big deal? It wasn't a baby or anything"...we are silent because people say "well, wasn't it for the best? You weren't ready to have a child."...we are silent because people say "you got yourself into that situation and you have only yourself to blame"...we are silent because people tell us to "just forget about it and move on."
We are silent because we are afraid of being judged by others.
Stephanie, I want you to know that IT IS NOT WRONG TO MOURN THE DEATH OF YOUR CHILD. CONTINUING TO SUPPRESS YOUR FEELINGS WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE AND IT WILL LAST IN YOU FOR DECADES. As you read in my profile, I had an abortion at about your age...I am now 38 and the pain is as fresh in me as ever; however, I am just recently on my way down the road of recovery and healing. Do you look forward to 20 years of pain, regret, guilt, depression, secrecy, and nightmares? Of course you don't. Thankfully, you are embarking TODAY on the road to finding some level of peace in your life.
The first thing that you must do is make sure that you are not feeling like hurting yourself. Depression is a dangerous thing and you MUST take care of yourself. It is so easy to give up...to let your life slip into disarray...but you cannot afford to allow that to happen. It sounds like you really need some help from a caring, understanding professional. Please don't be afraid to ask for it, and if medication is part of that, resolve that you will do that. I did, and it saved my life.
ALSO I HAVE TO SAY THIS JUST IN CASE YOU ARE FEELING EXTREMELY BAD:
IF YOU FEEL AS THOUGH YOU MIGHT HURT YOURSELF OR OTHERS, please call a hotline and talk to a counselor immediately. 800-395-4357
Stephanie, many women would rather that you continue to rationalize and excuse abortion, thinking that it would be cruel to make you feel bad. I was one of those people. But one of the most freeing things I ever did was start researching embryology and the politics of abortion in this country. For the last 17 years, I avoided any scientific programs discussing fetal development. However, when I became pregnant with my firstborn son, Jack, four years ago, it was inescapable. That was when my abortion started becoming more and more difficult to forget about. Here was the evidence staring me in the face...the moment of my son's birth is the most exhilarating, miraculous thing I've ever experienced. But it was tainted by the memory of the beauty that I rejected so many years ago, out of fear and desperation.
Keep in mind, sweetie, that none of these things that I'm telling you are meant to hurt you;
I would really like to hear your story, from as far back as you want up to this very minute. I want to know your concerns, your fears, your regrets, and your hopes for the future. Please open up to me and I promise that I will do everything in my power to bring you comfort, understanding, and companionship. Post-abortive women are the only ones who can help each other. I would love to help you. Helping you also helps me.
Of course, all of your information is confidential; however, tell me only what you are comfortable revealing. Your real name is not essential.
I am going to send you some more thoughts that I think may be helpful to you, along with some resources for you so that you can find ultimate healing and learn from this part of your life.
I am thinking of you and my heart hurts to know that you are in pain. Please open up to me...I will do my best to help you heal. I am a safe person to talk to.
P.S. You may not be comfortable corresponding with me through the AllExperts forum for privacy reasons. If that is the case, please feel free to email me at my personal address mthompson6887@nycap.rr.com
God bless,
With a sincere heart,
Michelle Thompson
Mthompson6887@nycap.rr.com
