QuestionHi Pat,
what I'm asking is rather vague in a way.I had an vacum abortion Nov.27, 2007 under twilight at 9 weeks partly because of my own stupidity of not using any birth control and just plain foolishness. I don't want to say that I was forced to do it, but I had a very good also young friend who had had one herself due to many of the same reasons and with the support of her partner had an abortion with the abortion pill.She convinced me that I was too young and that I would never go to college and better myself if I had a baby, and because I didn't have the money for the abortion, she let me borrow the money and pay her back when I could.Once there, the doctor confirmed my pregnancy, and though I had thought that I would get the pregnancy pill just like my friend did, I was told I was too far along and would have to get a vacum surgery.When they told me that I was two months pregnant, I wanted to stop, leave, but I ended up doing it anyways. The regret I felt afterwards was so immense, I felt so empty, and alone.
My boyfriend and I had only been going out for 2 months when this happened,but he had let me know that he really wanted to have children, (I guess its a hispanic thing)and when I first found out I was pregnant I immediately told him and he was very happy. But I was so confused, tired, and just plain dumb. I let my friend take me to get an abortion, and that same day, I lied to my boyfriend and told him that I had naturally miscarried.He was hurt and very sad. I didn't let him touch me sexually, following the doctor's orders, and I would just lie to him,saying that I was sad and depressed. But during this time, I was so angry with myself and confused. I kept asking myself if I had made a mistake or not.
I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to have a baby so young, so I made an appt to get birth control, but deep down, I felt so much guilt and grief over the abortion, that I think I missed the appt on purpose and got pregnant again.
My boyfriend was very happy, and so was I.But then I noticed that this pregnancy was different.My first had been so typical, morning sickness, weird cravings,crazy mood swings,etc. And the second only had the tiredness. I felt even more guilty. I was told that it was a girl and since I was a little girl, I had always wanted my oldest to be a boy. Had my first baby been a boy? So many questions I asked myself. Time went by and after much family drama and financial problems, I had a gorgeous premature baby girl.
She is my entire life now. All I do in life is for her. I never imagined that having a child was like this. I loved her the moment I saw her, and before that too. This love, is so big that I really can't imagine how it would be if I had more. But not a day goes by that I don't think of my first baby. How old that baby would be, what he would look like, what he would do. And for some idiotic reason, I have convinced myself that it would have been a HE. My daughter looks very much like her father. I have also convinced myself that HE would have looked like me too.
But there is so much guilt and regret in my life still. I don't know if I had another baby to make up for the one I KILLED or not, but I just want to know when I will feel at peace. Does a murderer ever feel at peace for killing her child? I am a Catholic, and I know that I have committed a mortal sin. If I were to confess myself, will some of this remorse and guilt go away? Does my baby hate me for choosing my daughter and not him? I do him, I always will. He is a part of me, as is my daughter. My life is pretty happy from the outside. My boyfriend is an excellent father, and does not want anymore children having grown up with 6 other siblings, believes havings less, you are able to dedicate more to each one. But when will I have the peace I so desperately need? When will I be forgiven for this monstrous act I committed in a moment of confusion? When?
AnswerStephanie, my heart goes out to you! I am crying tears for you.
There are plenty of women who feel just like you do. You are not alone!
God is gracious to forgive you and all you have to do is ask! To be truthful, the Catholic church confuses things because it teaches people that they have to do something in addition to Jesus' sacrifice. It's hard for me to describe to you what I mean, but perhaps you know. The Catholic church teaches about purgatory. If that isn't something to make you feel like Jesus didn't do it all, I don't know what does! Stephanie, Jesus FINISHED the task of redeeming us. He has already paid for your abortion on the cross. The only difference between you and a lot of other people is that you are more aware of your sinfulness. We ALL deserve nothing but eternal punishment.
Forgiveness is a decision. It is the decision to accept the hurt that comes from other people, and not to strike back. God DECIDED to pay the price for our sin, and He CHOSE to forgive us. And He took the entire burden of our sin into His own body.
Let me tell you about the awesome God we have. Remember that David wanted Bathsheba, so he arranged for her husband to go to the front lines so he would be killed and David could have his wife. But what did God do about it? He forgave David, and placed him right in the lineage of Jesus! Such wonderful, amazing grace, that saved a wretch like me! And then there was Saul. He was going around stoning Christians. Stephen, the first Christian martyr, asked God not to punish Saul, and God's response was to meet Saul on the road to Damascus, and He made Saul into the Apostle Paul. And I owe my faith to Paul, because he preached to my ancestors!
This same gracious God will forgive you. All you have to do is go in sincere and heartfelt repentance to Him. You don't even need to go to a priest. Just go to God in prayer.
The harder part is forgiving yourself. But as I said, forgiveness is a decision. You will probably have to tell God you can't forgive yourself, and He will have to help you. Here is why it is important to forgive yourself. If you don't, you are essentially saying God was wrong to forgive you!
There are provisions for people who feel the way you do. There are organizations that offer healing to women, as counseling, groups, retreats, and other ways. You can find an organization in your area by going here:
http://www.pregnancycenters.org/
I can't give you the hugs you need, but they can. And they can tell you about the many different ways you can work to forgive yourself. Give it to God. Give Him your inability to forgive yourself. Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself. Take one day at a time. It will get better. When you are feeling especially down, pray, and read the Psalms. When an anniversary comes, make sure you spend the time with someone you care about. Don't stay alone.
I will be here any time you need to talk.
I'd like to address your boyfriend's attitude about children. We NEED more children. Our nation is dying. So many of the economic problems we have are because there aren't enough children and young people. And it's simply not true that you can't give as much love to more than one child. We raised seven children. Five we grew ourselves, and two we adopted. One thing you can't give your daughter if you have only one child, is the love of a sibling. When I was little, I was so lonely for a sister. I was six when she was born. We are unbelievably close. Our children are also very close. When you have to make adjustments to get along, when you have to share limited resources, that builds character, and it builds love. Let me tell you how close our children are to each other. They are so close that when they need to, they move in together to share expenses. You know that's not easy to do. But they do it. And this includes the married ones! I have forgotten how many different ways they have done this. At one point, five of them were living together. They helped each other get started in adult life this way. Because of many adverse circumstances, to make a long story short, we ended up building a house that is far from finished, and we had quite a mess because we had all our belongings, half the office furniture, my mother-in-law's household goods, and the books and papers of a dear friend all piled into our house at once. There wasn't even room to turn around, let alone make sense of it. Now, one of our sons has organized things so that he, and usually one or two others, come over once every two weeks, and they're helping us clear out the house, and I'm giving them the toys they had, so they can take them home to our grandchildren. When you have just a single child, it is far too easy to overindulge and spoil the child. If you try to be less indulgent, the child will blame you for being stingy. The kind of sharing our family does is a result of having to accommodate each other. We homeschooled them, and this helped tremendously. And it is a joy to watch the grandchildren play together, too. They are so kind to each other! Feel free to share this with your boyfriend. There will come a time when the only way you will have to receive care when you are old is your children. And if you raise them right, they will take care of you with love. We have already seen this with other family members who got old. This is really what family is all about. The more people in the family, the more ways love gets shared. If your boyfriend hasn't experienced this, perhaps it will give him the idea to start to build that kind of bond among his family members. So I hope your boyfriend will relent and let you have more children.
You might want to sign up for Breakpoint. This is the e-newsletter of Prison Fellowship. These people are ministering to people who killed, among other things. It is a joy to see how these men have turned their lives around through the love of Jesus, even while still in prison. Go here:
http://www.breakpoint.org/
May the Lord grant you peace. Please keep in touch, and take care of yourself and your precious little girl!
