QuestionSo I found out I was pregnant 2 days ago. I have been having bad morning nausea and diarrhea for a month but since I had a bad bug the beginning of January I was told that it was post-infectious IBS and put on several meds for a month. Turns out I was pregnant. But in that time, I've had some drinks, been on cold medicine, and several prescription meds for what they thought was causing the nausea. Not a good start for a baby. Not to mention the timing is all wrong (my husband already has 3 young kids and pays alimony to his ex wife for another 2.5 years). So, we talked about it and abortion makes sense. It's the responsible thing to do for us and the baby. But it feels absolutely terrible. I feel guilty and terrible. Crying at the drop of the hat for no reason. My husband has kind of shut down today and refuses to talk about it. I told him that if I do this this week then he needs to make other arrangements for the kids for the week because I do NOT want to see children in the immediate aftermath. That seemed to really annoy him, which is SO unfair. He is a doctor, and tells me that as far as surgeries go, a surgical abortion is "no big deal." Well, it seems like a big deal to me and I am scared to death. I've heard it's loud, and painful. I think it will be humiliating. I am afraid I won't be able to have children again. I'm afraid of infection. I'm afraid of the ultrasound - I don't want to hear a heartbeat or see a picture. I know I am terminating this pregnancy but I feel guilty having a glass of wine right now. I catch myself considering what is the best thing to eat for the baby. I feel like all the emotions I have are all at the surface, all at once, and I can't think straight. I know this is the right decision, but I feel so awful, so guilty, so scared, and so alone. This wasn't supposed to happen, not like this. Any kind words or advice or reassurance or telling me what's in store for me would be most appreciated.
AnswerHello, Elaine,
To begin with, it's clear that you are not a good candidate for abortion. You already feel guilty. I think you have a better understanding of this than your husband does. A surgical abortion IS a big deal. It IS humiliating, and can be painful. There are some women who can no longer tolerate the sound of a vacuum cleaner after having an abortion.
Can you tell me what meds you have been taking? I will research them and let you know what I find out.
Your husband is putting tremendous pressure on you to do something you desperately don't want to do. He has NO right to do that. Not only that, but abortion is dangerous, and could take your life. And then who would take care of your children? And abortion can cause serious birth defects in children who are born subsequently. Just this week, I have been talking to a woman whose child suffered serious birth defects just from an attempted abortion. I doubt seriously if you want to go there. So what you are being told is that you should endanger your future children because of the possibility that you may have harmed this baby. While it is true that there is always the possibility of birth defects, it isn't a certainty. And it is quite common for a mother to worry about birth defects during pregnancy anyway. You are really being pushed into this without time to think, and that's wrong. You deserve the time to think it through, and see what your alternatives are. Obviously, an abortion will harm your baby far more than the meds you have been taking. It doesn't make sense. It sounds like your husband doesn't want to be burdened with a child who might have a handicap. But what makes him think that you will never have a child with a disability in the future? I can't tell you how outraged I feel he is treating you this way.
There is nothing responsible about deliberately harming your baby because he or she MIGHT have suffered inadvertent harm. You wouldn't harm your two year old because he has some kind of medical problem.
I recommend you go to an organization that will provide you with some information about alternatives, and will help you see all sides of the issue. These organizations are all over the United States, and you can find one near you by going to this web site:
http://www.pregnancycenters.org/
You owe it to yourself, and you deserve to consider this. Abortion is forever. You can't take it back. If you go through with it and don't have any medical consequences, I will be worried that you will then harm yourself, because this is also fairly common. Your husband OUGHT to know he is asking you to do something unethical. Is there even an abortionist out there who he would entrust your life to? I don't know of a single one! They're all careless, and I am unaware of any abortion facility that even meets basic health and safety requirements. Maybe your husband should go take a look and see if the abortion facility he wants to send you to would be a safe place to go. Also, please be aware that it is common for a marriage to break up if there is an abortion, especially if there is coercion.
It is common for a man to take awhile to get used to the idea of having another child, even under the best of circumstances. So he needs time, too.
For nausea, probably the best remedy is sipping ginger tea or ginger ale (with real sugar, not diet). I have found that there are pro-biotics on the market that also help tremendously with IBS. The one I like best is Kombucha by GTS. It is available in some health food stores, and I have found it in Whole Foods markets. It has to be kept refrigerated. It is also very potent. I normally only drink about two or three swallows, because it can actually cause constipation, at least in my experience.
I urge you to wait and not go in for an abortion this week. Give yourself time to think and to listen to other alternatives. If you decide not to have an abortion, and you can't handle raising this child because of some problem, there are adoptive parents actually on waiting lists for children with problems.
If your husband persists on insisting you have an abortion, just ask him why as a doctor he even thinks it is reasonable. Doctors are supposed to heal, not harm. You may need to stand up to him and be firm, but you do have the right to refuse. Let him do whatever he wants about it; if you feel threatened, seek shelter with your children, but otherwise, just give him time.
And please don't feel guilty about drinking a glass of wine. The risk of drinking a glass of wine is greatly exaggerated. Europeans have drunk wine with their meals for centuries, which they started to do because the water was unsafe to drink. You didn't find lots and lots of Italians and French having children with fetal alcohol syndrome. Pharmaceutical houses also exaggerate the chances of birth defects because they don't want to be sued. Obviously, with some meds, the chances of a birth defect aren't zero, but I know a number of women who were told their child would have a birth defect, and they went ahead and had the baby, and the baby was perfect. Your husband is asking you to harm your child just in case. That doesn't make any sense to me! Hey, if he physically drags you down to the abortion facility, just tell the abortionist that if he touches you, you will file charges for assault! I'm dead serious!
Your child is depending on you for your protection. You didn't protect your child to your own standards up to this point, but you now have a chance to do it. Please don't harm your baby. I will pray for all of you.
