QuestionQUESTION: This year, at the beginning of the year; I had an abortion. I became pregnant by a guy that didn't want to have a baby, and he told me he didn't want to support one if I had it. And although I really did not want to get an abortion at all, I felt pressured and scared into a situation that I can't possibly wrap my head around as a 24 year old. I thought about leaving and running away and having the baby and supporting it on my own but then I considered the child's upbringing and not having a father figure and not being able to provide everything that is necessary and convenient for that child.
I know everyone says you can't be forced into an abortion. But I really felt forced. I was even turned down by the first abortion clinic I went to because they told me it was obvious I was being forced into something I wasn't sure of and they wouldn't preform the surgery on me. So he made me go to another clinic, and they didn't ask questions there. I was too scared and ashamed to tell them. It has been so hard to deal with the loss of this baby on so many levels. I feel like the fact that the father was such an asshole made me be able to accept it a little better than the miscarriage but I still can't stand myself for the decision I made.
I then got back together with my boyfriend of 3 years and when I was on antibiotics I got pregnant with his child. I was scared but happy because if I could ever pick a father for ANY child mine or not I would say that he would make a perfect father. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant I miscarried. I don't know but; I think this is because of the abortion. I think that my uterus was unable to support life. But I haven't talked about it with a doctor so I don't know. When I miscarried I felt like my soul died completely with that baby.
I feel like it's my fault I couldn't support it because I allowed myself to be forced into that abortion. I don't know how to get over these losses when they are so close together (2 MOS). Everything I look at is for either abortion or miscarriage there isn't anything I can find for BOTH. I need to get over this though because I have not only become suicidal I reach out to drugs and alcohol to numb my pain, I figure if one doesn't kill me the other will. I feel like I deserve to die because I let those babies down by being selfish. Because of me they are dead, this is a fact.
I need some kind of guidance because I know I haven't really started the grieving process and I'm not sure I know how. I recently had to go into a psych ward for about a week because of this. They told me I HAVE to start the grieving process but I'm kind of afraid if I do I will hurt myself and I don't want to be selfish again and do that. It just makes my heart hurt so bad when I even think about the surgery or all of the blood I don't know what emotion to have next. All I can feel is overwhelming sadness and it's consuming me.
Please help me. Thank you so much for your time and patience, I really look forward to hearing from you.
ANSWER: Dear Amanda,
Your story breaks my heart!
You said that people told you that women don't get coerced into abortion. Don't believe it! In a significant study, they learned that 65% of women report being coerced. You are NOT alone! Other studies have shown that women become 6 times as likely to commit suicide if they have an abortion, and that drug and alcohol abuse are common. Your reaction is COMPLETELY normal and understandable.
While surgical abortion does increase the chances of miscarriage, the danger point is generally NOT as early as when you lost your second baby. Most of the time, it is well into the 4th month or later. So please know that it is very unlikely that your miscarriage had anything to do with your abortion. Miscarriage is also fairly common. I think most women experience at least one. Everyone I know who has ever been pregnant has had one, including me.
I don't know what religion you are, but I will talk from the perspective of my own faith. I hope it will help.
Every single one of us has committed acts of grievous wrong, and alienated ourselves from God. If I speak a harsh word to someone, I have committed murder. What you have done is no more serious than what I have done. We all deserve to die for offending God. But God gave us a free gift. He Himself came to earth and died the death we deserved to die. When He came, we called Him "Jesus." Jesus came to take our punishment. Because He did, we can receive forgiveness from God. All we have to do is ask for it. God is waiting to forgive you. Please ask Him sincerely. Tell Him, "I am sorry, and I ask You to forgive me." You belong to God, and you cannot rightly take His property away from Him by committing suicide or abusing drugs and alcohol.
Let me tell you how graciously God forgives. I will give you some examples. David, king of Israel, wanted Bathsheba for his wife. The only problem was, she was already married. So David sent her husband to the front lines of battle so he would be killed. But in spite of this, God forgave him, and said David was a man after His own heart. He included David in the lineage of Jesus. Then there was Saul. Saul went around murdering Christians. He was involved in the stoning of Stephen, the first recorded Christian martyr. But God reached out to Saul when he was on the road, traveling to Damascus to kill another Christian, and gave him a vision. The result was that Saul became the Apostle Paul. I owe my faith to him because he preached to my ancestors. If God will forgive these people, He will forgive you.
Even if we know that God has forgiven us, it may be very, very difficult to forgive ourselves. It may take a long time. But trusting in God's promises and His sacrifice, we must also forgive ourselves. We can tell God, "I don't want to forgive myself, I am not capable of forgiving myself, and You will have to help me." I have talked to many women who have told me that even though they know they are forgiven, they cannot forgive themselves. I think that if I had an abortion, I probably wouldn't be able to forgive myself, either!
There is counseling available, and you should definitely take advantage of it. There are organizations all over Ohio, that provide this counseling. To find one near you, please go to this web site:
http://www.optionline.org/
Make sure you are getting a nutritious diet, and see if taking vitamins will help. When you are under stress, your body needs more vitamins; stress depletes vitamins in the body. In particular, phosphatidyl choline might help. It is a B vitamin.
PLEASE do this right away! I will be here for you any time you need to talk. God loves you and so do I, and I am praying for you. PLEASE keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. Take care.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you so much for replying to me so quickly. I didn't know about the facts you told me in the beginning of your reply, thank you, I don't feel so alone now.
I am not religious at all. I believe that there is one universal vibration/wavelength that is love that everyone feels no matter what their religion is and that is what I call god. But I do not think of him as some man that walked on the earth and saved people and died and rose again and all of that. I don't really know what I belive totally I guess but I do have an idea and it revolves around unity consciousness.
So is there any advice you can give me other than taking vitamins? Which I did by the way, and I will continue to do daily thanks to you. I don't want to offend you by not being able to relate to the religion thing but I did find your reply very helpful.
I have decided to call a grief counselor in the morning because I don't know how much longer I can go on in my own head like this. Again thank you so very much for your time, patience, and wisdom. I look forward to hearing from you again. Oh yea and happy fourth of July :)
AnswerHello, Amanda,
I certainly do respect your right to believe as you want. All I know is that some faiths are more supportive than others. We have an eternal destiny, and that is vitally important. Certainly, it seems counter-intuitive that God would come and walk on the earth as a man. If you would like to talk about it further, you are most welcome. A book you might find helpful is The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. He's a legal reporter, so if you like things like court shows, you should find it enjoyable to read.
You are very welcome. I am very happy that you appreciate talking to me, and that I have been helpful. I was afraid for you, and you have set my mind at ease a little. I will still pray for you.
Eat well, take care of yourself, and don't do any more alcohol or drugs. Another danger after abortion is death by accident, so it is best not to take any chances. Emotional healing IS possible after abortion. It takes awhile, and probably it will hurt significantly for about a year, but after that, it gets easier. You won't ever forget, but you can arrive at a place of peace.
The reason I have recommended going to a local organization is because they are specifically trained to help women who have experienced abortion. Many counselors with other backgrounds do not yet know how best to help a woman after abortion. So, give them a try! :)
Happy 4th of July to you in return. We had some very welcome rain. It was a great day, and the music on the radio was very nice; lots of patriotic music.
Take care, and keep in touch.
