QuestionI don't know if I should quit my boyfriend,I love him and he does too but the sex thing is a problem to me.what do you think?
AnswerHello, deme,
Your feelings are very natural; you are being more true to your womanhood than a lot of women these days. I applaud you.
When a woman has sex, it releases hormones that cause her to bond with her partner. She may decide she loves him, even though the evidence may show that it is not in her best interests.
We women were designed to need a committed relationship with one man. When we go against that design, it can affect how we feel about sex, and even lead to frigidity. We stop wanting to have sex. If our partner is at all sensitive to our needs, sex will stop. It can also happen if the husband is not attentive to his wife's needs during sex, or even if he insists on sex when she is not willing, or she is unable. Men rarely understand female sexuality, even as women rarely understand male sexuality. It can take years in a committed relationship for the understanding to come to fruition.
Having sex is not in the best interests of an unmarried woman. It exposes her to sexually transmitted disease and to pregnancy. Most of the time, the couple is in no position to welcome a child, so the woman has an abortion. Abortion is very dangerous and harmful to the woman. It may result in disability or death. It can also harm her future children, either by causing miscarriage, or by causing a serious birth defect, such as cerebral palsy, epilepsy, autism, mental retardation, blindness, or deafness. Abortion also can result in severe emotional consequences for a woman, including suicide. It usually causes the breakup of the relationship. Men are also affected, but it is less obvious. A man who truly cherishes his partner will protect her from these things. Since no contraceptive method works perfectly, the only way to guarantee that a woman will live without fear of pregnancy is not to have sex. You deserve to live without fear of pregnancy. You deserve a man who will respect you.
True love is cherishing. It is a decision rather than emotion. Feelings of love are simply physical or sexual attraction. It is common for young people to misinterpret this as love. True love puts the well being of the other person ahead of one's own. True love is a commitment. The only commitment that means anything is marriage. This is because it is publicly professed, has legal power to bind the two people together, and fulfills our natural needs. Sex should not occur outside of this commitment, because it is intended to be a force for bonding as well as a way of making babies. A baby does best when he or she has two parents who love each other and are committed to each other. Children who grow up in such a household are much more likely to be responsible citizens, and less likely to get into trouble with the law or get involved in self-destructive behavior.
Men's sexuality is different in that men are capable of enjoying sex fully without the commitment, and often will mistake the feelings of sexual attraction for love. If we understand this, we will look for a man who is willing to exercise self control because he looks to the future, and wants a real family someday, and wants it with a woman where the love and cherishing and commitment are mutual. Men will look for such a woman anyway, and will often discard a woman who has slept with them in favor of a virgin. If you understand this about male sexuality, this will help.
If you haven't done so, have a talk with your boyfriend. Explain to him that you don't feel right about having sex, since you are not married, and that is affecting your feelings for him in a negative way. Explain that you alone would take the medical consequences of pregnancy and abortion. Explain to him that if he has ever had sex with anyone else, even if he hasn't told you about it, you are at risk for sexually transmitted disease, and in most cases, the woman suffers far worse symptoms from this than the man does, not to mention the fact that it can harm her future children. In some cases, a child must be taken by Caesarian section to prevent the baby from becoming infected with an STD. So sex outside of marriage also harms children. Sex outside of marriage results in less trust in a married couple once they do get married. This has been shown with studies. Sex causes a person to experience pleasure hormones. But outside of marriage, a person's body gets accustomed to the hormones and no longer experiences pleasure. This leads to increased kinkiness in sex, to arouse the same level of hormones. Ultimately, this path can be tragic. For some reason, married couples do not experience this problem, again as discovered through studies.
Tell your boyfriend that you want to be in a relationship where the two of you truly cherish each other. But the woman cannot cherish a man who takes advantage of her sexually. It cannot happen. She can make the commitment to love, but the feelings won't follow. You are asking your boyfriend to cherish you and protect you from the consequences of inappropriate sex. You would like from now on, to stay away from places that have enough privacy for sex. You would like to keep your clothes on. You would like to work toward a marriage of commitment, honor, and love. Explain to him that we women respond differently. Ask him to respect you and your body, and ask him to help you restore a healthy self respect. Tell him that you wish to experience secondary virginity. This is when a woman becomes chaste, even though she may have had sex in the past.
See how he responds. Give him a chance to think about it, but not for a long time, and don't go to a private place with him in the meantime. If he responds that he wants to cherish you and protect you, continue with him. If not, explain that you need to find someone who will respect you and your body, and if he's not that person, you need to find someone else.
If he persists on trying to have sex, whether through persuasion, coercion, or by any other means, break up with him. It will be emotionally wrenching, and the feelings will probably be intense for about a year. But time does heal this experience. Make yourself available for someone who WILL cherish you. Remember that love without commitment is not all it is meant to be, and even though you love him, and he says he loves you, it is simply not the same. Remember also that many men THINK they love a woman until she gets pregnant, and then the games start, because he's not prepared for the responsibility. A man can try to persuade a woman to have an abortion by abandoning her, emotionally or otherwise, or by outright coercion.
I hope this helps. Please let me know.
