Your best friend is wildly successful. She is happily married, has four perfect children, an immaculate home, and makes twice your income. You can't help but wonder what she's done right, and what you've done wrong.
How many times have you measured yourself against someone else?
One of my most regrettable traits is that I used to compare myself to other women on a regular basis. In my personal journey to alleviate working mother guilt, I have realized just how negative an effect these comparisons can have.
My judgments have run the spectrum: I compared myself to other working mothers, stay-at-home mothers, and women who were thinner, prettier, younger, and had better clothes. I have spent endless time pondering my neighbors' decorating styles, my co-workers' incomes, and my high school friends' marital statuses. Why?
Maybe I wanted to feel better about myself--acknowledge that I had done some things right. Maybe I wanted to see that others had done some things wrong. And maybe I was just feeling guilty and wanted others to see me a different way.
As women, we tend to compare ourselves with others to get assurance that all of our time spent at home and work measures up to a mental report card we have created in our minds. Of course the problem with these internal comparisons is that they're based on small pieces of reality, not the whole scenario.
These comparisons are not healthy. Trying to erase working mother guilt while still comparing your life to the lives of others is like putting one foot on the gas and another on the brake. You're not going to get very far.
Instead, try these strategies to stop the compare game:
Tune out criticism: Recently I was on the phone with an old friend from high school that I hadn't spoken with in years. It was good to reconnect and catch up on our lives. After reminiscing about old boyfriends, the conversation shifted to our children.
She shocked me with an unsolicited comment (those are always the ones that surprise the most) about working motherhood. With a very casual tone she said, "I never believed in putting my children into daycare. I could never do that to them."
As you might expect, this caught me off-guard, not only because it goes against my own beliefs, but because she's my friend!
It was hurtful and shocking, but not something new. Sometimes even the people you rely on to be supportive may not agree or understand your choices. This was certainly one such moment where my friendship was being tested.
I had a decision to make. My first reaction was to defend myself, my choice to work, and my belief that using childcare was a good thing. From my defensive position, I thought my parenting decisions were better than the ones she'd made. I reasoned that even though I am away for more of the daytime hours, having a career allows me to give my children exceptional opportunities. I rationalized that my children have college funds, play on sports teams, and have seen parts of the world that my friend has not really been financially able to afford her children. I was frustrated and wanted her to change her opinion to mine: that I am a better mother because I work. But, trying to change someone's viewpoint never really works.
My second, and more reasonable, reaction was to try to view her perspective in a positive way. After all, it was honest. In actuality, she is right. I am not able to be there for every recital or every morning at the bus stop.
But just because I can't be physically present for every moment does not change the fact that I am still the main source of love and guidance for my children. I am a wonderful mother. In fact, there is no one better.
You may not agree with someone's thoughts or beliefs but if you can remove yourself from the emotion and try (really try) to understand where the thought is coming from, there may be a nugget of truth somewhere that you can learn from.
You should avoid nasty neighbors, co-workers, or judgmental stay-at-home moms who have a negative effect on your confidence. It sounds obvious, but actually putting this into practice can be difficult. At our core, mothers and women are all the same. We want people to like us, to agree with our beliefs, and to provide encouraging support. When this doesn't go your way and you face hurtful comments (and you will), simply choose not to listen.
Ignore the hurtful remarks from others, and rely on confidence in your choices. Appreciate well-intentioned relatives and friends for all the good things they bring to your family and leave the rest alone.
Samantha Knowles is the author of Working Mom Reviews. To know more about the south beach diet delivery check out South Beach Diet Delivery Review. To learn tips to make money by online survey - quickly check out Surveys Paid Review.
