(Black Couch Tales)
Mike was completely stressed when he walked into my office last
week. Taking a long drink of water, he slumped onto my black
leather couch and sighed.
“Coach,” he said. “I need to get out of my relationship.”
Mike is 38 years old and a successful screenwriter. Mike was
also perpetually single with a long history of failed
relationships. His situation is typical: he wasn’t necessary
afraid of something long-term, he just could never find “the
One”. Mike could never stay in a romantic situation for long
before moving to something new. Today’s session was no
different. Once again he found himself feeling stuck with
someone he didn’t want to be with. He told me his story.
“I met Lexy about a year ago. I was at a bar and there she was.
She looked awesome and had a great smile. I was attracted and I
just had to get to know her.”
For Mike it always started with physical attraction. He
continued, “We really hit it off. The next thing you know, we
are heavily involved. Things were great at least…the first six
months were a blast…really fun. I think I gained ten pounds
though. My buddy calls it the Love Diet. You stop going to the
gym, order in, and stay in bed day and night.”
Mike’s enthusiasm began to fade as he said, “After the first six
months things slowly started to change. We started to get to
know each other outside of the bedroom. The more we talked, the
more I realized that I had nothing in common with her. And to be
honest…this is sort of rough to admit…I wasn’t interested in a
thing she had to say.”
“Our relationship became tense at worst and polite at best.
Little things started to bug me. The way she chewed her food
drove me insane. The way she laughed…it was this high-pitched
squeal that I think only dogs could hear…it made me nuts.”
He sighed. “I’m getting on her nerves too. Last week Lexy nearly
shoved me out of bed because she said I was snoring too loud.”
Mike straightened up and locked eyes with me. “We need to break
up and it’s been a long time coming anyhow. I’m okay with that.
But what I really need to figure out is: what the heck is going
on in my relationships? It’s always the same. Is it me? Am I
meeting the right women? I’m 38 and I still haven’t figured it
out.”
Dating often starts as a chance meeting where physical
attraction leads us to relationships we “end up in” rather than
a choice we stop and think about. We get caught up in the
excitement of meeting someone new. We give in to the rush! But
eventually the “chemical reaction” of attraction begins to
sputter. The excitement fades and we often find ourselves with a
person we don’t know that well. In Mike’s case, he realized he
was with someone he couldn’t stand to be around.
This leads us to online dating. There are aspects of character
and personality that will create a bond beyond the initial stage
of attraction, and online dating allows us to go beyond the
chance meeting, beyond the physical attraction. We can search
out potential matches that we might never meet in our everyday
lives. With the click of a mouse we have access to a wealth of
information: interests, hobbies, passions, lifestyle, beliefs,
and more.
Online dating allows us to approach dating from an entirely
different angle. Instead of getting to know someone from the
outside-in, we can establish a relationship from the inside-out.
Does this “more informed” method your romantic life lead to a
more compatible and satisfying relationship? Unfortunately the
answer is “No!” Just like physical attraction alone isn’t enough
to carry a long-term relationship, having things in common alone
won’t satisfy you. You still need physical attraction. You may
find tons of people online who will seem perfect. Then you meet
face-to-face and you know in a split-second that this person is
not for you. You never really know what will happen until you
meet.
But imagine if you are attracted! The reason you decided to meet
in the first place was because you have things in common and
your personalities meshed. You’ve already laid the foundation to
take your dating beyond the physical. . What online dating
really offers is opportunity to find and communicate with lots
of people with whom we share common interests and qualities.
It’s not the holy grail of dating, but it’s an excellent way to
increase your chances of finding something long-term. You may
still have to go on many dates to find your match, but that is
why the Internet is so exciting! There are always new people to
find, and always the opportunity for that next date.
Mike is currently online dating and loving it! I encourage you
to give it a try for yourself.