The discovery of an affair will attack you with shock, anger and
numbness. No matter what way you choose to react, your
surroundings will look the same afterwards because you have not
yet started coping with what has transpired. You find that you
are suddenly lost due to being caught off guard. You never
thought this would happen to you. So when it does, what should
you do when this painful truth is revealed and how can you
forgive it?
The first thing to do when you find out that your partner has
been cheating is to allow your emotions to flow out of your
body. Holding your feelings in will only make you feel worse and
cause a tremendous amount of stress both physically and
mentally. Once you have expressed your instant reaction, you can
start thinking more slowly and rationally. You will start
examining your relationship, wondering where it went wrong and
if it was ever as wonderful as you claimed it to be. You will
create a chain of questions that have not yet been answered and
will start feeling farther and farther away from getting any of
them answered. Everything will be sorted out time, but first
thing is first… and that is getting your emotions sorted out.
Once your emotions have been expressed and sorted out, it is
important to remember to not give the affair more power over
your life than it deserves, even though at the time being, it
feels like the end of the world. The fact of the matter is, it
is not the end of the world, but has changed your world and the
way you look at it, which is understandable. Know that your
partner’s affair has nothing to do with his or her love for you,
nor does it make you a failure in relationships. What the affair
does tell you though, is that there are essential issues that
need to be addressed. It is normal to be angry and unable to
calmly discuss this with your partner, so let him or her know
that (without getting violent or throwing them out of course).
Let him or her know that you are deeply hurt and angry that they
chose an affair as a way to deal with the issues in your
relationship and you are not ready to talk about it just yet.
When you are ready, where do you start? It will be difficult to
focus on the discussion if you are torturing yourself with
visual thoughts of the cheating act. Make an effort to be strong
and avoid the unnecessary painful thoughts that will in no way
make you feel better or get your relationship back on track. You
know what goes on when two people are intimate, so save yourself
the details you already know and spare yourself the hurt. The
focus is to find and establish the reasons for the affair and
ways you can move on with your lives together, with a new and
improved affair proof relationship. Good communication will be
the key to your road to recovery, so be sure to ask the right
questions, listen with undivided attention and understanding, as
well as answering the questions you are asked and finding
suitable solutions on how to prevent the same event in the
future.
Anger, as well as other emotions, will arise while you and your
partner attempt to make things right and better. You may blow up
during discussions because your mind will re-fresh your memory
of how your partner had the guts to betray you and how stupid,
hurt and disrespected it made you feel. Your partner (the
afairee) may also become upset because of your non-stop attacks
on him or her, especially if they confessed and genuinely
apologized. Before attempting any conversations regarding the
affair, be sure that you and your partner agree to disagree and
express anger. You both need to have patience for each other’s
feelings, for it will take time to get past the emotional
outbursts. If things start getting out of control and you find
yourselves no longer talking, but only yelling and blaming
instead, end the conversation and give each other some space.
You may need to do this several times until you can talk without
such interruptions. Take it one step at a time. After all, if
you and your partner have made a decision to make things work,
then there is no need to rush and panic.
After you and your partner get everything out in the open and
understand the roots of the affair, you can then concentrate on
re-building the trust and forgiving once and for all. Forgiving
your partner does not mean you will forget what happened, but it
will mean that you have accepted what transpired and are ready
to move forward without bringing the past into your future as a
couple. It will be difficult for you to blindly trust your
partner again, but you must make an effort, as well as your
partner. Your trust will strengthen as time goes by and through
the convincing actions of your partner. You cannot put your
partner on a leash and monitor him or her 24 hours a day, and
you shouldn’t want to. Do not expect things to magically
improve, because you will be disappointed. Re-building the
trust, passion and strength in your relationship will take a
reasonable amount of time and could even require counseling if
you feel you cannot make it on your own.
Re-building your self-esteem will help you forgive the affair as
well. Being betrayed can do great damage to the way you feel
about and look at yourself. You may feel less attractive
physically and not worthy enough both mentally and spiritually.
Get in touch with yourself and terminate your insecurities by
finding ways to replenish the perspective you have on your
being. Continue to tell yourself that an affair does not change
the wonderful person you are and you are just as beautiful,
desirable, intelligent and respectable as ever.
To avoid getting pulled back into the past, set your mind and
heart on creating new memories together. Exploring new happiness
will help your relationship mend and move on greatly. Go on
dates, get romantic and become better friends than before! Make
a permanent note in your mind that nobody is perfect but
everyone deserve forgiveness for their mistakes. Try putting
yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about the pain and
regret they are going through and how much they love you. He or
she knew it was wrong to do before they did it, but probably
felt it was their only way to cope with their troubles at the
time. If you have been genuinely apologized to and promised that
it will never happen again, then open your heart and give him or
her a chance. You obviously love your partner and he or she
loves you, which is why you have decided to forgive and move on.
So work as a team and be each other’s strength in putting the
past behind you, looking at it as a learning experience in which
will assist you in making your love affair-proof from this point
on.
Alina Ruigrok is an independent relationship expert for
http://www.love-sessions.com helping those in need of dating,
love, relationship, marital, sexual and other personal advice
through e-sessions.