Navigating Relationship Challenges After Infidelity: A New Job & Lingering Fears

Question
Hi Jill, I recently wrote to you about a affair my wife had on me 2 years ago. The affair occured while I was working swing shift. I have just accepted a job for a rotating 12 hour shift that includes both night and days. In our excitement about the job I had in the back of my mind the fear she might feel neglected again or cheat on me again. She has said this was the reason for the affair before the long shift work. I feel I can't live my life because of her inabilty cope without me when I'am at work. Alot of things have changed in our relationship on the growth side but I can't find my self not to worried about the what if's. Well she was working a day shift prior when I was working swing so we never saw each other. This time I will be making enough money for her not to work and stay home with our son. Also can you or do you know who I can write to to get advice on adjusting to rotating 12 hour shifts. Thanks Mark

Answer
Hi Mark,
The affair was only two years ago, so it is completely understandable that you still have some fear in the back of your mind. Let me encourage you to simply keep the communicaiton up. Once you start the job, ask her how she is feeling. Regularly talk to her about whether she feels like you have sufficient time for the relationship. Even if she is not working and not feeling the pressure of finances, staying at home with a child can also be stifling. Frequently ask her what's going on for her and tell her what things are like for you. If they are not satisifactory, make some shared/joint decisions about how you wish to move forward.
And most of all, don't take on the burden of her having an affair. Even if the marriage was not satisfying, she was the one who chose to explore outside the marriage. Just as neglect of one's spouse is not good for a marrriage, neither is an extramarital affair. The playing field is even. Both of you need to attend to the relationship in the time that you have to do so. Even if you need to leave little notes for each other on a daily basis, because you don't have a lot of time to see one another, it will keep you in each other's minds and keep the love alive.
As far as adjusting to a rotating shift. I would suggest writing to someone else in the career area of allexperts.com or consult with some of your new coworkers. Congratulations on the new job. Best of luck.
Dr. Jill Morris