Guilt is the Number One factor to blame for this situation says American clinical psychologist Diane Ehrensaft. The author of the book Spoiling Childhood: How Well-Meaning Parents Are Giving Children Too Much-But Not What They Need says parents today are often caught up in a guilt-driven pendulum, swinging between parenting too little and parenting too much. According to Ehrensaft we are giving too much freedom, material goods, and empty praise to our children in place of setting limits and giving guidance, time and love.
“We parent like Tarzan on a rope, wildly swinging from never being there enough to being there far too much,” Ehrensaft says, of modern parents who are caught in the juggling act of trying to have ‘it all’. Today’s parents are, she says, caught in the predicament of wanting to pursue their own needs and ambitions while at the same time wanting to give their children more opportunities and materialistic items than they themselves had. “It is a predicament for these professional, middle-class parents who have gone after what they have wanted – career, money, happiness – sometimes at the expense of their children’s well being, and yet who also act as if the sky is the limit for their children,” she says
the families that frequent the psychologist’s practice sound familiar.
Parents that work hard, yet help out with homework and organise after school activities for their kids’ five days a week. In these families children rarely help around the house and their demands are met with the least amount of resistance. Sounds like a scene from many homes- but where does the boundary between wanting to encourage our children’s growth and rearing potentially unsociable bullies begin to blur?
The word ‘discipline’ may cause some parents to break out in a rash, but according to psychologists it’s a necessary part of the parenting process. Parents in 2005 may want their children to be free spirited and more spontaneous than previous generations, but this doesn’t mean they don’t need their parents to act like, well, parents. Without firm parameters, authorities say children are forced to scream and whine, desperately looking for the reference point from which to grow and develop.
“Worrying about our children not liking us if we discipline them can prevent some parents from establishing firm structures for behaviour that our children need. We must stop abdicating the throne and accept our position as an adult,” Ehrensaft says. “Children do not do well with deposed kings and queens for parents. To be good parents, we definitely must give generously of ourselves, but never give ourselves over to our children,” she states.
Irish psychologist and founder of Rollercoaster.ie, Dr Anne O’Connor agrees. “Discipline is a very important part of parenting and is one which is usually learnt on the job. If your child learns that when you say no you mean it, you are teaching them a valuable lesson for life,” she says.
The Galway-based psychologist says many parents give into their kids’ demands because it’s so much easier to give in and buy whatever it is they want than to spend time explaining why they won’t buy it or deal with sulks when they don’t get it. However, such actions will have negative repercussions.
“You’re creating a child who will have totally unrealistic expectations of you and the world – they will expect to get everything they want. You can be sure that their requests will get bigger and more expensive as they become aware of all the goodies out there. While you may indulge your child’s wishes, the world just isn’t like that and your child may be in for a rude awakening when they encounter the many situations where they actually can’t have what they want,” Dr O’Connor says. The psychologist says that what children really want is to spend time with their parents, rather than being ‘bought off’ with gifts.
“‘Things’ just cannot replace your time. If children do not get the attention and input from you, among other things, they do not develop a sense of their worth. They may feel they are not worth spending time with. So even though you might be showering your little one with gifts their self esteem might be shrinking as their stack of toys grow,” she declares.
While parents should start saying ‘no’ to demands and tantrums, Dr O’Connor says they should reply a clear ‘yes’ to children’s’ request for their time.
“Make the time. Parenting isn’t about just getting through these years – you should be enjoying your child and what better way than to spend time with them. Discover what they like, allow them time to show off their new skills and knowledge, give them praise and encouragement,” she adds.
According to Ehrensafts the key to change lies in taking a look at the family dynamics and examining the way we treat our children. Children she says, are not miniature adults, and mustn’t be expected to grow up before their time. She insists that children need time to play and have free time to be with family and friends, in other words, enjoying childhood, while at the same time, relaxing in the knowledge that the grown-ups are running the show.
“Once you make the change you’ll not only have fewer battles with your children but you’ll also have more opportunities to truly enjoy being with them, and that’s what is most important,” Ehrensafts declares.
Louise Geaney is a freelance journalist based in Ireland, where she also runs the parenting podcast on her website http://www.go-mums.com