Polyamory, aka consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is controversial. In “polyam” arrangements, one, some, or all partners are free to explore other sexual and emotionally intimate relationships. But critics charge polyamory as simply a smokescreen for infidelity. It might work short-term, they contend, but over time, no way.
This assertion made no sense to Martha Kauppi of Madison, Wisconsin. Growing up, she saw polyam relationships thrive long-term. Her stepfather’s job required world travel. He and Kauppi’s mother agreed that while away, he was free to enjoy other lovers. When Kauppi was 10, her mother explained, “As long as it doesn’t happen around here, it’s not an issue.” They were married until her stepfather’s death, 31 years. Later, Kauppi’s brother and sister-in-law maintained a polyamorous relationship for 18 years until her sister-in-law died.
Kauppi is now a couples and sex therapist who specializes in polyamorous relationships. She has also produced quite possibly the best survey of their duration.
Kauppi and a colleague used Internet polyamory sites to recruit 340 coupled adults involved in consensually open relationships. Participants were a “convenience sample,” anyone who responded to their advertising. They ranged in age from 18 to 71, average 34. Most (88 percent) identified as male or female, but nine percent were transgender/non-binary, an over-representation. Whites accounted for 93 percent of the respondents, another over-representation. And three-quarters had educations beyond high school, more than the nation as a whole. So Kauppi’s sample isn’t perfectly representative. But it’s reasonably close and large enough to produce credible findings.
Participants completed the Holt Relationship Intimacy Questionnaire, which measures three dimensions of couple closeness: intellectual, emotional, and physical. Participants also discussed the dynamics of their CNM relationships and why they’d opted for polyamory.
These findings can’t be extrapolated to all polyamorous relationships. Kauppi’s respondents frequented polyam sites and were quite possibly more successful at it than most. But even if Kauppi’s sample is skewed, still, contrary to the mythology, the study demonstrates that many polyam relationships last quite a while.
The myth is that people get into CNM for more sex. When asked why they were polyamorous, only one-quarter (28 percent) mentioned wanting more sex. And when asked the main reason why they were polyam, fewer than one percent cited more sex.
Critics charge that CNM abuses women, that more libidinous partners, usually men, bully less horny partners, usually women, into it. But only 4 percent of study respondents said this model described them.
If polyamory has so little to do with the bedroom tango, why are people into it?
In the ancient world, polygamy reigned—one man, several women. Two of the three Biblical patriarchs fathered children by multiple wives—Abraham with Sarah and Hagar, Jacob with Leah, Rebecca, Bilhah, and Zilpah. Ancient monarchs also practiced polygamy. According to legend, King Solomon had 1,000 wives. Many Middle East potentates kept harems.
But for the past 1500 years, Western culture has largely demanded monogamy. The vast majority of American couples profess it—while, in secret, many people of all genders have affairs, and many men patronize sex workers.
During the 19th century, the Mormons embraced polygamy. Eventually, to gain statehood for Utah (1896), they abandoned it. (Today, some Mormons remain quietly polygamous.)
From 1848 to 1879 in western New York, the utopian Oneida community frowned on monogamy and preferred “complex marriage.” All adults were free to have multiple primary relationships. At its height, the community numbered 300.
In the late-1960s, birth control pills separated sex from reproduction as never before. The “sexual revolution” of that era made premarital sex almost universal and normalized casual sex, that is, lovemaking by uncommitted partners just for fun.
Late-20th century CNM also triggered considerable push-back from religious groups and some therapists, who claimed polyamorous folks had personality disorders. Those therapists began changing their minds in the 1980s when studies showed that monogamous and polyam marriages had very similar divorce rates. Today, monogamy is still the rule, but most therapists and much of the public have become more accepting of polyamorous alternatives.
Kauppi’s study produced four findings that contradict the conventional wisdom:
Not that polyamory is easy or trouble-free. Jealousy is a real problem, and some polyamorous arrangements break up.
“But,” Kauppi explains, “I see lots of open relationships that work fine long-term. I also see lots of couples with 20 or more years together becoming interested in opening up. It’s not just young people who are into this.”
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