QuestionWe are not young nor are we old. We have been living together for almost a year. In the beginning he would come home for lunch for a quickie. He was very interested in sex and initiated sex 75% of the time. Now, he never initiates sex. He says his stomach hurts right before we go to bed. He says he is exhausted right before we go to bed. Whatever the problem he says right before we go to bed. When I initiate sex he always responds. He is so good, caring, loving, etc. We are always hugging and kissing. I don't know what to do. I feel the need to flirt with others to feel "attractive" or "desirable" and I don't want to do this. I fall asleep crying, I wake up hurt and I don't know what to do. If he was like this in the beginning...I would be okay with it. He wasn't like this. I am not an attractive person, I am overweight and none of this bothered me until now...now I think about this all the time. I am an outgoing person. I have never felt "ugly" before now.
AnswerHi Rhonda,
I am sorry you are having a bad time in your relationship. You don't give me very many details. Are you married? Have you talked to him about the sex issue?
If you have not, then I would definitely go to him and say something like, "Honey, I love sexually connecting with you and miss you initiating sex. When you initiate, I feel desired, and now I don't feel so desired by you. I've become insecure about this and find myself wondering if my own husband doesn't desire me, am I desirable at all to anyone? I need you to openly discuss this with me, and I know I can't stay happy in the marriage if things continue in this way. I will do anything to help you or us get through this ... please talk to me honestly about this so I can understand and we can begin work on this. If you don't know what it is, then I'd like to go to professionals who can helps us get to the bottom of it. I love you and miss you in this way."
Whatever you do, don't let that part of you that wants to seek attention elsewhere step into the "driver's seat" of your car. That sort of self destructive behavior never achieves anything positive. Being open and honest about your feelings and thoughts is the only healthy way to go. Just remember that whatever you say to your husband must be done in a compassionate tone.
Good luck and I hope this helps!
Doctor Becky
