QuestionI've been with my boyfriend for about two years now, and our sex life would be just perfect except for my irrational (that's his term not mine) fear of pregnancy.
About a year ago, we both got tested for STDs and agreed to stop using condoms since I'm on the pill (I've been on it for more than ten years) and we're completely exclusive, but then I couldn't do it after all, and he's been really disappointed about it.
Even though we still use both condoms and the pill, I can't completely relax during sex. I've read lots of statistics so I know that no method of contraception is completely safe, and I've always known that I never want to have children (and I'm absolutely against abortion), so I keep counting days till I'm 30, since in my country (Finland), that's the age limit for getting sterilized. Then I'll finally be able to stop worrying. But my boyfriend thinks I'm completely paranoid and I would benefit more from therapy than from surgery.
So, is he right? Am I paranoid or just justifiably cautious?
AnswerHi Anne,
I think its possible to be BOTH paranoid and justifably cautious. I often times think I am both of those things. All kidding aside, I don't think you need therapy. You are clearly very certain about what you want. You do not want children, and you do not agree with abortion, wich means it is probably not something you would do if you became pregnant. And you are right to be concerned, because the simple act of having sex, even protected sex, could make you face one or both of the things you are certain you absoloutley don't want, and your concern, over time could have made you a little paranoid, but it's normal. Therapy may help you cope until your 30, if you want it, but in your case surgery seems a great option.
I can give you some facts, some opinions, and some suggestions that may help you to relax.
Facts: Birth control is 99% effective. Generally, less than 1 out of every 100 women on the pill (less than 1%) actually become pregnant on the pill. The pill does three seperat thing to prevent pregnany, it causes you not to ovulate and it makes the cervical discharge thick so sperm have a hard time getting through it. If either fails, it also makes the blood lining your uterus builds up thinner than it would be if you are on the pill, so in the rare case you ovulate, and your egg is ferilized, it can't implant. So, your basically protected 3 ways.
He is still using condoms, wich decrease your chances even more. Your basically doubling up your protection, so your much safer than most women who only rely on the pill.
Also, you've been on it 10 years. Birth control manufacturers will tell us that being on birth control for a long period of time will not decrease fertility, but many many women find it very difficult to get pregnant after using the pill for extended periods of time. So, in your favor, you've been on it so long, you're body knows exactly what to do, and even if you decided to get pregnant (and I know your not going that route), it may be difficult or impossible as you've been on it so long.
Suggestions: Really consider pregnancy. I don't mean think about getting pregnant, but really think about what you would do if it did happen. Once you come to terms with what you would do, face the possible consequences and develop a plan, it may put your mind at ease a little. You may not be as afraid of the unknown, once you consider the possibilities. Kind of like little kids, who are scared of monsters, once they confront the fear, decide to find out if there's really a monster in the closet, and they arm themselves with something, they can face it, and be less scared. Bad analogy, but the best I could think of. Would you keep the baby? Would you give it up for adoption? What would your boyfriend think about it? Develop a plan of action, what makes you comfortable. Don't do this because you think you'll get pregnant, but do it so you can face the fear, and make it less scary.
Most of what you are afraid of is a valid concern, a pregnancy you don't want and did everything you could to prevent. Any one, myself included, has this fear. And the only way any of us live with it, is to be brave, and careful. Any woman who isn't afraid, isn't thinking clearly, so don't feel silly because you are afraid, but make a choice to not let it control you.
Opinions: My opinion is that you are probably extremley safe, having used the pill so long. I think it very unlikley you would become pregnant if you stopped using the condoms. But, you should only do that when YOU feel ready. After all, it is your body, and you are protecting it as well as your emotional well-being. And if your sure about not having kids (sounds like you are), I think you should have the surgery if you think it's the best choice for you.
And maybe, once in a while you could try sex without condoms. If you do that, and you don't become pregnant, it may reassure you the pills are working, and help to put your mind at ease.
If you think therapy will benefit you in getting control of your fear, then you can try it. But you sound like a very intelligent woman to me, and with a little time and thought, I think you can get in under control. You're perfectly normal, so don't let anyone tell you diffrently.
Good Luck to you. I hope that helps you in some way, and if you have any other questions, feel free to ask.
Thanks,
Drea Jean
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