QuestionQUESTION: Hi there. I am a young woman in her late twenties, who recently had an abortion. My boyfriend did not agree with my decision, and tried to pressure me to keep it. He is very angry with me for having gone through with it, and has called me "selfish" and "irresponsible". He says that all I care about is myself and my "precious career".
Well, the truth is that I have worked very hard to get where I am. I worked two jobs to put myself through school, studied hard so that I could get good grades etc. I LOVE my job, and I couldn't imagine giving it up. I realize that this is an unpopular opinion, but I always feel sad when I hear of a bright, talented woman giving up her career to be a stay at home mom. No one expects that of men. The women I do know that have kids and work, feel guilty about it.
The truth is I have never wanted children. I don't even like them. And I don't feel the least big guilty about having had an abortion. I would do it again if I had to. It is my boyfriends comments are very hurtful and are driving a wedge between us. The other day he had the audacity to say that I had no problem "enjoying" myself(sexually) but didn't want to deal with the responsibility. Like I am some slut for liking sex or wanting to be intimate with the man I love! And he didn't call me a murderer directly, but said abortion was the murder of a child, and asked if I thought about the pain that "child" endured. And the truth is I didn't. He also said that it is unnatural for a woman not to like children. I am used to comments like that last one. Whenever I tell people I don't like children or that I don't like being around them, they look at me strange. I don't get it. It's like because I happen to have a vagina, I am supossed to want ten kids, and want to give up a challenging, interesting and well paying job to change diapers and pick up dirty socks. No one asks that of men. I apologize. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. The people in my life are all pretty conservative, and none of them know about the abortion. If they did, they would judge me. Do you have any thoughts? I am actually thinking of leaving Mike over this, because he has hurt me so deeply with his insensitive remarks. also, he wants a wife who wants to have ten babies(literally!) and stay home. And that is not the life I want for myself. I like feeling like I am making a difference everyday, and contributing something to society. And I like having my own income and not being dependent on someone else. And not to be conceited, but I am just too smart and ambitious to want to stay home. Thanks so much.
Mia
ANSWER: Hi Mia :)
It's true, women have to deal with the issue of working and having a family in much more complicated ways than men do, period. I think the woman's happiness and self-fulfillment should come first, and if that means the job, then that's that. Women shouldn't feel pressured to give up their work. What if their husbands were to divorce them, and they didn't have any income? I, personally, have always been raised to believe that I should have a job, and my own financial independence so i can support myself no matter what happens.
Your boyfriend's comments are completely unacceptable. If you don't want children, NO ONE should tell you that's wrong. And your abortion was accepting responsibility "I don't want or like children, so i won't raise one and put it into that difficult situation." You should always be able to enjoy sexual intimacy without the fear of a child resulting from it. Your boyfriend doesn't have to deal with that.
And as to the "pain" it endured-well, it didn't. Pain receptors aren't developed for quite some time, and without those, how can one feel pain? They can't. And the comments you hear concerning women wanting children are quite unfortunate, I hate hearing them. It's sexist. These comments are frustrating, I know, but the best is to be like how you are-comfortable with yourself, your decisions. Everyone else doesn't get a say. And I understand, situations like this are incredibly frustrating and unacceptable.
You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to about the abortion. it's a personal, very private thing, so don't feel any pressure to. I know my mother, who had two abortions, didn't tell her mom, and they're very close. If you want to tell though, just say you decided to end the pregnancy, rather than completely interrupt your life with a child you don't want, and you spared yourself and the fetus. And quite frankly, it's not up for them to decide if something that went on in your uterus is ok or not ok. Being confident in your decision is great.
If that's the woman he wants you to be, he needs to accept that that's not your plan. His comments about your abortion are completely inconsiderate, and if you want to leave him, that's up to you. You shouldn't have to put up with negativity over such a decision, and would maybe like a relationship better if the man was more of an equal partner-supports you in your decisions, doesn't judge. You should NEVER feel any pressure to give up your job and change into another lifestyle. You have your own plan, and it sounds fantastic.
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QUESTION: Hi. Thank you very much Danielle for validating my feelings, and for being so supportive of my decision. That was a big help to me. I hope you don't mind a follow-up. I will be sure to thank you afterwards, by nominating you as volunteer of the month! I can tell that you are very intelligent by the way that you communicate your thoughts, and very knowledgeable and passionate about this issue.
My boyfriend thinks that women who stay at home and have lots of babies are completely selfless, and the epitome of what a "good" woman should be. He says that they ARE making a contribution, by raising the next generation to be responsible and moral. I agree with how you were raised. I think it is a good thing to be financially independent. TO me there is an imbalance of power in a relationship when one has an income and another doesn't. It isn't equal. He says though that a relationship can NEVER truly be equal, even if both parties work. Because one will always earn more than the other. Still though, at least they are both pulling their own weight. That is how I feel anyway.
You mentioned that a fetus doesn't feel pain. How come the anti abortion people are always talking about the pain an "unborn baby" feels during an abortion? and I heard something about them wanting laws passed which would force a doctor to give pain medicine to the "baby". They also talk about the "baby" being anxious to be born, and understanding that it is about to die. I am not a cold person. I hope that my fetus did not feel pain. But I can't help but think, what about the woman's pain? No one ever seems to think of that. And also, people think that since pregnancy is a natural thing, there are no risks. But I am diabetic(have been since I was a child) and my doctor told me that I would be at an increased risk for complications. But even then, people like my boyfriend think a woman should risk her own life.
His eldest sister was diagnosed with cancer when she was about five months along, and her doctor strongly advised her to have an abortion. They felt that putting off chemotherapy would be a BIG mistake, and could cost her her life. But she went through with it, with her mother and family(including my boyfriend) cheering her on. I couldn't understand how the life of a fetus was more important to him than his own sister! The cancer spread, and I don't think she is going to make it. Yet he has the nerve to compare me to her, and act like she is a saint. And from talking to aquaintances and friends, I was shocked to discover that the vast majority of people think like this. One of my co-workers said a mother should do anything for her child. I agree, but a fetus is not really a child! There is a difference.
Well, I promise not to bother you again after this. It is just so helpful to have someone to talk to. You don't know how helpful it is. Thank you.
Mia
AnswerHi :)
I definitely don't mind any follow ups, i love being bale to talk with people and help them out if I can. Always feel free to message me back, I'm always open! And thank you, I appreciate it :) Yeah, it's an issue I feel very passionate about indeed.
It can also be selfless to work so you have an income to support those children. Paying for children, especially college education, with one income, must be extremely difficult. It's hard enough for many families with two parents contributing. That's true, by the husband bringing in the finances, he can hold that power over her. It should all go back to the woman's wants and needs coming first, then children if she wants them. And for many people, working is a necessity, because it is just so hard to live off of one income.
The anti abortion folk use a TON of false information. It's amazing just how much, really. Those laws will probably go nowhere, since the only one who needs the pain medication is the woman. They like to think of a fetus, at the time of abortion, as a full term baby. It's not, and I can definitely assure you of it feeling no pain. At 12 weeks, by which time most abortions have taken place, brain cells haven't developed, and the brain stem is just beginning to. As there is no cerebral cortex, (which covers the brain) no pain impulses can be received by the brain. And, an interesting finding, babies who are born as early as 26-27 weeks, have much less response to pain than full term newborns do. Planned Parenthood has a lot of information about these kinds of things, and it's incredibly interesting. The "anxiousness" to be born that they refer to can mean the fetus seeming to react to the suctioning during a surgical abortion. This is a biological reaction-a reflex. it's not done purposely, since the fetuses' brain does not yet have the ability to perceive and know things. The spinal cord and it's covering would also have to be functioning. Even one celled organisms show this reflex.
So true. The woman is the one who will feel the pain, be it physical, emotional, mental, if at all. She is the one that needs the care and that the attention should be placed on, not the fetus. I read an article by a midwife, recently, and she feels that during labor and birth, attention and care is too often placed on the baby than the mother, and that she feels the focus should ultimately be on the woman. And the whole "pregnancy is natural there's no risks!" type people are just fooling themselves. There are ALWAYS risks associated with pregnancy. And a first trimester surgical abortion is about 12 times safer than carrying to term. It's so disgusting that people feel like you should still risk your own life for that of another. Your bodily integrity trumps the fetuses' right to life-you come first! No one forces people to give blood, donate organs, so why should you give up your body? It's unacceptable that anybody, especially your boyfriend, should think that.
That's an incredibly unfortunate situation. It was right of the doctor to offer the therapeutic abortion (done for the woman's health). Putting her first was great. And I feel her family should have put her first as well. That they should've helped her with cancer treatment, then if she got better, helped her with another pregnancy, that time safer. But that's just how I feel. And I would want MY family to put me first over a fetus. While he can portray her as a saint, she also put her own life at risk. You can be seen the same way-living your life how you want to, and not bringing an unwanted child into this world. One pro-choice slogan is "every child a wanted child." Some just don't get the difference between a woman giving birth and raising a child she doesn't want, and one who does want the baby. Yeah, many, many people out there are incredibly uneducated, and it's SO frustrating! Most people don't know the correct facts about abortion and fetal development. And yes, a fetus does not equal child. A child is here, already born, and needs love and care. A fetus is occupying your uterus, using up your nutrients, and taking a 9 month+ stay in your body. BIG difference.
Always feel free to talk with me! I enjoy being bale to share my feelings on the issue and be able to clear up anything. And give factual information, since it's so rare these days. I'm so happy I was able to help at all. I'm always here to talk :)
