QuestionHi. I recently had an abortion, and my boyfriend is making me feel guilty about it. When we met he was very liberal and open-minded, but then he got heavily into religion and began a born again christian. He told me that I was "selfish" and "killed our baby for my own convenience".
We were talking about marriage, but now I'm not so sure. He says if I marry him I will have to do as he says(the bible says man is the head of the household) and he will not tolerate me using birth control. We also can't have sex anymore until we are married. The other night I went to give him a passtionate kiss, and he told me I was behaving like a "temptress" and a "whore". And again he brought up the abortion, and told me I should be ashamed of myself. He said if I don't repent for what I did I will go to hell.
Do you think I am selfish? I had an abortion because I didn't feel ready to have a baby. I'm not even sure I want to have a baby. I don't really like kids, which he says is unnatural because women are suppossed to want and like kids. He has been sucessful in making me feel like a terrible person, and I feel really guilty. He says what I did is no different from what a murderer does, and that if it were up to him abortion doctors would be jailed. He also says I should not have "spread my legs" if I didn't want to get pregnnat, which makes me feel bad because it wasn't like it was some fling. I really love him. Thanks.
Tammy
AnswerDear Tammy,
Your boyfriend is using terrible words, mean and unlike the man you fell in love with. You are a person. He believes that all people deserve life and love, and should begin by treating you decently and without hurtful insults. Jesus stopped the murder of a woman, telling the men to look at their own consciences and to have mercy. He needs to find help for his feelings and not hurt you in the meantime.
I know you are not selfish. You are a person, and you are capable of love. You loved your boyfriend and trusted him--truly selfish people are not capable of love.
I think that you were unsure and felt unready, and that an abortionist took advantage of that. You needed help and real options, and no one took the time to show you the baby's ultrasound or have a serious talk about adoption. I think you were left mostly alone in this, and that your options were blocked. You may be mad someday at a number of people: at anyone who knew, at the abortionist, at yourself, at your boyfriend. It is really, really hard.
If you're feeling a loss, it's because something was taken from you, and now your boyfriend is pushing you away for that.
You are both hurt.
Your boyfriend paid more attention to religion after you two were physical together--it seems like his conscience was already bothering him, that he wanted a Christian path for the two of you. Moving ahead, he cannot forget that the changes are new to you. He has to be gentle and kind, patient and understanding. How are you supposed to see anything good about Christianity if he is mean about it? This time may be extra hard for you and your boyfriend after the abortion. It's not either of your own faults, but it will be tough to avoid some raw emotions. Just know that you're not a bad person, ok?
Your boyfriend has so many symptoms of difficulties that it seems he needs help soon. He can begin by finding his role in this page (http://www.fatherhoodforever.org/awareness.html) and reading others' stories here (http://www.fatherhoodforever.org/stories.html and the ben folds music video http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/video/index.aspx), and he must get help for his anger and guilt.
You must get help, Tammy, when you are ready. You're not a crummy person. You're loving and you were unsure and you were hurt. When you have lots of feelings like these (http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/emotions/symptoms.htm), reach out for help. (http://www.optionline.org/hadabortion.html) I wish so much that I could give you a hug right now. ~((((hug))))~ What you're going through is not easy at all. But be hopeful. You are asking about your heart and your relationship and your feelings, and that is always a good sign.
