QuestionHello everyone. My name is Emily. I'm 16 years old, currently living in British Columbia, Canada. A few weeks ago (though it seems like ages), I was faced with the reality of an unplanned pregnancy. I felt so unwell for these few weeks, physically and mentally. My boyfriend, who I did love very much, was, for the first time in our relationship, very unsupportive and far from understanding. We both had this idea that if I ever became pregnant, everything would be O.K. I would move in with him, have the baby, and he would work full-time to support the child. I don't doubt that he would have. But I do know that money isn't the only thing a baby needs to have a healthy and happy life. The baby would need a stable environment, loving parents... Just to name a few - and I'm not sure I would have been able to provide all these things. I'm very young and I have an anxiety disorder. I also have extreme problems coping with stress and disarray which send me running to one of my parents. What would I have done when I had a baby, living at my boyfriend's? Another thing was I began to have doubts about our relationship because I was introduced to a side of him I'd never seen before. There was a lot of pressure for sex from him when I didn't want it, and a lot of making me feel guilty for things he didn't like me to do. He told me bluntly that he'd leave me if I terminated the pregnancy. At the same time he put so much pressure on me to make a decision. Almost every time we talked I'd end up in tears. We officially ended the relationship last Saturday and on Sunday we got into a fight over the phone and he told me he didn't care what I did about the pregnancy, he didn't want to know. What I hadn't told him was that I'd made an appointment at an abortion clinic for Monday.
On Monday, I went for the abortion. The women there were very kind and everything went pretty smoothly. There were a lot of tears afterward and there still are.
On Tuesday, my boyfriend phoned me apologizing for the way he acted. Once again, he proposed the idea of us fixing things and raising the child. It broke my heart when I had to tell him I'd had the abortion, and I think it broke his too. I can't help but feel like I ruined his life. I've tried to talk to him since, but he is reluctant. He told me he's gone back to drinking and living an unhealthy lifestyle. He also told me that if I loved him I wouldn't have "killed our baby". Every time I think about this I want to cry. I miss him so much sometimes, and other times I don't miss him. I'll go through bouts of feeling like a monster for what I did and wanting my baby more than anything.
I just can't get it into my head that I will find a man who will support me and love me no matter what happens. Someone who won't pressure me into sex, or make me feel guilty when I shouldn't. I know this is silly because I'm only 16, but I feel very alone.
Thanks ahead of time for your advice...
AnswerHi Emily :)
Him, or anyone, pressuring you for sex is NEVER ok. That's a definite sign the relationship needs to be over. If he cared, he would also care about your pleasure, happiness, and comfort. He brought this on himself. You didn't ruin his life, he ruined it. And the only life you need to be worrying about is yours. He's trying to put the blame on you to absolve himself of his own actions. If he loves you, he wouldn't have been anything other than supportive and helpful. For all we know, once the baby was here he'd decide "screw it" and leave, or not take up his part. When there's a baby, both of your lives change, except sometimes one partner doesn't want to change.
Here's some resources you may like: http://www.4exhale.org/resources.php
and this is an AMAZING community: look around if you want, I can't reccomend it enough: http://community.livejournal.com/abortioninfo/
You have nothing to feel bad about. Why should you feel bad about not only making a good decision for yourself, but your future child(ren) should you choose to have them? Now you can grow, and if it happens, find a partner who respects you. As long as you know you deserve no less, I'm sure you'll find one-maybe even more.
