QuestionQUESTION: Too many follow up questions is not accepting by the server. So I made it with the new subject.
We are not paternal cousins as I illustrated to you in the previous mail. So is this legal there? I want our relationship to be accepted by some part of the world at least.
Yes there are some catholic churches in the capital - Guwahati. It's not too near not too far.
He was a life science graduate, masters in Bioinformatics and presently doing research on drug designing in Center for Biotechnology, Anna University, Chennai, India. These all I don't know at all. He just taught me to speak about him like this if someone asks. I am a bachelor in arts.
He came to his native place to meet me without informing his parents on 20th November, I went to meet him and came back lately. My own brother caught me & he suspected me with him in first sight and thus the use of cell-phone for me has been banned forever.
He immediately managed to provide me a communicator by the help of his friends here and thus I use to search things over internet by chatting with him. he corrects many grammatical mistakes of mine. I cannot go out or do internet at daytime when other members of my family are awake.Anyways I have to sleep a while at mornings.
He had decided to move to UK or US for his post doc research. But in this situation we both don't know what is there in our future.anyways many many thanks for your cares. Let me know is our relationship legal there in US? If I have to move somewhere he will take me to chennai first and then may be we will think for moving to another country.
Thank you. I will meet you tomorrow. 3hrs sleep is very important.
ANSWER: Hi, Ruma,
Thank you for the wonderful rating and the very kind words.
If I understand you correctly, both mothers were siblings, but obviously married someone from outside the family, so your father and uncle are not blood related. Is this correct? That would still make you first cousins in the ordinary sense. It is possible that first cousins can marry in some parts of the United States, but I don't know for sure. Someone would have to check the law in each state. This is fairly time-consuming, and I won't be able to do that right now.
It sounds like your cousin could get a decent job. If he's planning on going to do post doctoral research in the UK or US, then perhaps you and your sister's baby can go with him. Since he already has his doctorate, he might just want to look for a good job instead. It doesn't mean he can't get his post doctoral work at some point, but now if you are pregnant, he has a child to take care of. That is important. It does sound like your best solution is to leave India as soon as you reasonably can. Eventually, you will start to show. And then people will ask questions. Some may figure out what is going on. But you are not really under any obligation to answer nosy questions. So don't answer them. Tell them that you don't want to discuss the father.
What is the field in which you got a bachelor's?
People worry about the possibility there will be defects if the parents are too closely related. This is rarely a problem. All the royal families of Europe were heavily intermarried, and there was hemophilia in the family, but nobody thought there was something wrong with their practices. If it's just one instance, the possibility of a defect isn't really that great.
I don't know how familiar you are with the Bible, but at the beginning, it tells us that the first parents (Adam and Eve) were the only human beings to begin with, and they had a son named Cain. A very common question at a talk about this is, "Where did Cain get his wife?" The answer is, "He married his sister." So this kind of intermarrying wasn't always considered wrong.
I will do a little bit of research and see if I can find out if there are places in the US where first cousins can marry. Also, if you do come to the States, you can probably get financial help. The help I was hoping to find for you there is readily available here, and in the UK. For now, see if the Catholic church near you can help. They might be able to. If nothing else, they may be able to find a place where you can stay in another town so that you can get away from the questions. If they seem reluctant to help you, please have them contact me. They can contact me here.
I'll let you know what I can find out about the law.
Try to get more rest. Take care.
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QUESTION: Dear Pat,
Thank you very much for your support and care. Finally I have got my period and it lasts up to a week. So a bit tension free anyhow. But I was heavily bleeding this time.
You are absolutely right, our mothers are siblings but fathers are not at all related. Meanwhile I have gone through over internet about such marriages and found extremely disappointing comments. Anyways I just wanted to know if there is any place where our marriage can be accepted socially even if we tell the truth. Nevertheless I can live a peaceful life with him without disclosing our actual relationship to the society, apart from our motherlands.
I completed my bachelors without any honors subjects. I graduated with Education, Economics and Political Science as general. Being a girl, we are not allowed to study much even if we have the desire to do so. Here, completion of bachelors, for a girl means - elders of the family start searching groom for her and same thing is happening to me too. As my brother suspected me with my cousin, he is restlessly searching a guy for me and I am not so ugly that someone can reject so easily. How can I ignore them? Do I talk to them personally? Should I tell them about my love story?
when I informed him (cousin) that I have found someone (i.e. you) over internet with whom I can discuss my personal matters, he asked me to consult with you, once finally, before I runaway with him. He is still to finish his doctorate. I know, he knows, lives will be much better once he finishes his PhD and enters into some jobs. But way as he is living now is really intolerable to me. I cannot make him out to live a better life. He uses to spend days and nights continuously in the computer labs. Some times eats sometimes doesn't eat anything at all, not because of lack of time but money indeed. So even though he shows extreme enthusiasm to marry me we both feel a terror how will we survive!!
Another thing is, I cannot take my niece with me, because she has her father here. I am keeping her with me as she is motherless and I didn't want to see her like that at her early infant stage. Now she is almost 1.5 years and every one can handle her. Obviously it will be again a panic job for me to leave her.
In real words, we (me and my cousin) both are in a dilemma of taking the decision of marrying each other, without informing our parents for the time being, because we both are having some weight in our family and hence in the society. we are worrying about our homes that after doing such unsocial tasks, if something unexpected happens to our parents! At my home I am the youngest and so as he at his home. But he is the only one of our entire family who is doing something more than expected and so we proud of him. In reality he will not be returning back to his native place for his establishment because people here are rarely aware of the subject in which he is specialized. His logic is - he spent more than 10 years to build an identity in the scientific community there where he works but majority of the people from his native place hardly know who he is. So even if his parents feel proud of him, what is the necessity to maintain the social culture from where he belongs!
But he is the hope for his old father as he keeps on saying sometimes and that time I feel I am the witch who is ruining him day by day. I never tell him about this feeling but it really hurts me..
Waiting for your affectionate, caring and valuable suggestions.
ANSWER: Ruma,
Thank you for the additional details. They are helpful. And you're very welcome.
Yes, you would be considered first cousins here. Some states in the United States accept marriage among first cousins, and some don't.
What I hear you telling me is that both your parents are depending on each of you to care for them when they need it. But both of you are the youngest. This surprises me a little, because my understanding of your culture, such as it is, is that usually the eldest son takes care of the parents. Since it seems you are the only child left in your family, the responsibility would fall to you. Is that correct?
For now, I wouldn't tell anyone of your love story at this point. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell my brother that in today's world, a woman chooses her own husband. Although it is true that arranged marriages are statistically more likely to succeed in the long run, I don't see the point, personally. After all, it's not desirable to live in a loveless marriage. Don't say anything to your brother about the situation. He already knows. Just tell him that he shouldn't choose your husband. You may have to be firm with him. That will be hard, but that's what I would do.
For now, it might be best to stay where you are, and take care of your niece and your baby. I understand how you feel about the way he is living. But please know that we went through something similar. My husband got his PhD after we were married four years. He spent most of his time studying. He did eat reasonably well, but that was the only difference. After he got his PhD, he worked on forming a new company, and he was often gone long hours for that reason. Is there any way you can earn a little money to help out your cousin? Of course, the major concern here is that you will start to show, and then people will start to ask questions. If need be, can you move to a small town nearby where they don't know you, but still close to your niece's father? Once you no longer take care of her, who will be taking care of her? If you go to the Catholic church as I suggested, they may be able to help you relocate to a town nearby.
Don't feel that you are the witch. You are a young woman with a niece to take care of and a baby to protect, and you are fulfilling your responsibilities.
I'll have to think some more about your situation. Unfortunately, I can't talk more at the moment, but I will get back to you. Take care!
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QUESTION: Thanks Pat,
We finished up the discussion about our unfortunate, unexpected and loveless marriage very long before when we talked about it for the first time. He doesn't even want to hear any single word from me regarding the groom searching matter by my brother. So I don't need to tell him that he shouldn't choose my husband. I feel he loves me more than his life too.
You never be wrong. And it is not always necessary that you should reply me as soon as possible. Because the matter on what I am discussing with you is not as simple as the decisions can be taken without thinking a while deeply. So I want you for sure to think about the situation in all possible ways. If anything still in the mask please let me know I don't hesitate to tell you anything at least about this matter.
As you think, in our culture also eldest should take care of the parents. He is not the eldest, he has a drunk elder brother who is already married and has a 2.5years old son. His drinking habit makes the situation worst in the family. So being the eldest, he supposed to take of the family but eventually fails to fulfill that and loosing his gravity of being the eldest. In short, this is the story of their parents because of which they have to rely on my beloved.
There is no hope for me to go out of this cage (my home). After this meeting, my elder brother becomes too much strict to me. I don't have permission to go to my neighbor friends too. So there is no point of moving to small town nearby. But I will think about it. Because once I go out, again there will not be any option for me to return back home. Even if any case I would have to return consequences will be unimaginable. I may be beaten terribly or I may have to seat in my marriage with someone very unexpected whom will be chosen immediately by my family. But ultimately I have to go out finally for my beloved only. For that I have to talk to him first.
My niece father himself could take care of her with the help of his own family but the reason why I am keeping her with me I already told you. I keep her with me may be because I may see my elder sister, who died in a wrongly operated Cesarean. My mom and my brother's newly married wife also are here to take care of her at any moment. So once I will decide to leave the home it would only be a bit panic situation for me, summing up the whole matter of present and future with beloved someone....
AnswerHello, Ruma,
You might want to make the messages private.
Don't worry about me answering right away. I don't mind, and I'd rather do that anyway.
I got to thinking after I left. Why isn't your brother who is trying to push you into marriage, helping your father? He should, I think. He is in a much better position to do so.
Is the eldest who is a drinker in your family, or your cousin's?
Your brother is being unreasonable. But I agree you have the choice of moving out once and for all, or staying and putting up with the situation. Do you have laws against beating family members in your country? But you should be able to refuse to get married regardless. Of course if you do that, then there is a real question if anyone will want to marry you with you carrying someone else's child. So I don't see the point in your brother trying to force you to marry someone. But I also think he might try to force you to harm your baby. It doesn't sound like a possible situation to me. Of course, your brother isn't thinking too clearly, because if he does anything to you at all, then you also wouldn't be there to take care of your father. I realize that in your culture, his behavior is considered normal, but in my opinion, it's time to challenge the inhumane practices. Obviously, ideally, you would never have gotten into this situation to begin with, but that is, as we say, "water under the bridge." It has happened, and now you have to deal with it. Stay strong! You are a good woman.
I imagine that you don't want to leave your niece, and I certainly understand that. Given that she has family who can take care of her, at least she will be provided for. (I get really upset at all the unnecessary Caesarian sections they do on women.) For your niece's sake, I recommend you have her spend time with her other relatives so she gets used to being with them. You probably have a couple of weeks at least to do this, maybe more.
Still, I recommend you go to the Catholic church and see if they will talk to you about how they can help you. If they are not willing, I will try to find someone else to help you. But tell them that I asked you to come. If necessary, call them when your brother isn't around. Is there another phone in your home? Let me know if getting out to see them will be a problem.
You're welcome. Take care, and I love all of you.
