QuestionI am pregnant at 20. I'm at a lost of what to do. I feel like I'm under a deadline of trying to decide on what to do with this pregnancy. The father isn't in the picture just because I meet him on vacation, I don't know if I should even tell him. I'm only going to decide on what to tell him when I make my own decisions. For selfish reasons, I would like to have an abortion just because I don't want to be tied down with a kid. I'm so close to finishing school and having my dream job. I have worked so hard to get where I am, and now having a baby - I'm not sure I can get my master's, go to work, take care of a child, and be happy. As it is my plate is full. Everytime, I go over the reasons why I shouldn't keep this baby, I just think that these reasons are just excuses. Excuses that aren't justifiable when we are talking about a human life. Then again I think that adoption seems like the right thing to do, the more ethical thing to do. Then I think what will my grandmother say, what will my gossip orientated town think, what will people say at school, at work, everywhere. Then I think that if my family were to find out, then they would say that I should keep the baby. It's not that I wouldn't have the means to support a child, it would be tight of course, but I would have people to support me. I think that if I were to have an abortion I would regret it for the rest of my life, but the same could be said for any other option I will chose. So I know you can't decide for me, but I'm left with the question "what can I live with?" - so how can I ever answer that question...
AnswerHi, Cassie,
It sounds like your mind is in a real turmoil! I will take each point you made in turn, and discuss them.
Obviously, if you were to have an abortion, yes, you are under a deadline. It depends on how far along you are and what kind of abortion you would want, as to what kind of deadline. You may have weeks to think about it. One of the things you should do is ask a doctor to test your hormones to see if your pregnancy is viable. About 1/4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage anyway, so in such a case, you wouldn't have to do anything.
If the father isn't in the picture, maybe it would simplify things if you didn't tell him. If you want to place your child for adoption, in some countries, the father has to be notified and sign off if his identity is known. It's that way in many of the States; I don't know about Canada. If you don't choose adoption, it's not an issue unless you want child support. He might want a claim to visitation rights if he knew about the baby. But I wouldn't tend to support that, because this was a casual thing, and he certainly didn't seem to mind putting you at risk. I don't know if he'd make a good father, but I'm guessing it's iffy.
You next mention being close to finishing school and having your dream job. Well, I have a couple of thoughts about that. Would you finish school before your baby is due? If not, I will tell you that I did have a baby in the middle of one semester in college, and I chose to stay out of class for a week, and I aced my courses. It IS possible. As far as your dream job is concerned, do you have a specific job in mind, or just know what kind of career you want? Is it something you could do from home? Probably not, but it's something to think about. If your family is willing to be helpful, you can probably work something out so that you could go to an office someplace. It sounds like they might be. I have one son who has a son, and he and the mother aren't married. They take turns caring for their son and working. And she has family who can take care of him when neither of them are available. Much to my regret, they only needed me to be a baby sitter once. :( Anyway, I think that you should think in terms of making it work, because it can. It will take creativity and ingenuity, but you are stronger than you think. And you really deserve better than abortion.
You are aware this is a human life. Try to think past the immediate future (more so than you are doing now). How will you react to the knowledge you took a human life, YOUR CHILD'S life? I can tell you from having talked to a lot of women that there are plenty out there who would give anything to take it back, but they can't. It causes a great deal of emotional turmoil in a lot of women. In some cases, women become suicidal, try to replace the child by becoming pregnant again, say they just want to be with their baby, and generally lose interest in what seemed so important before.
You next talk about what people would think. This shouldn't really be a major consideration. You are the one who has to live with this decision. It's your body. You will also have to live with the medical consequences, which could be significant. Abortion is NOT safe. Since you are aware you would regret it, you shouldn't have one. A woman should only have an abortion if she is absolutely certain that's what she wants. And even that isn't a guarantee, because medical complications and long term consequences can happen to anybody, and I have actually sat up all night with suicidal women who were dead, cold certain they wanted an abortion and had one. Believe me, that's no fun! You do realize that whatever you do will change your life forever. It has already been changed. So I would have to encourage you to look at the long term consequences. Other things can be worked around. You can complete your education, just like I did. You may meet a fine young man who will cherish you both. A lot of women do. Of course, you're not counting on that, because you don't know if it will happen or not. But again, suppose you had an abortion. One of the things that absolutely astonished me when I started answering questions here were the women who wanted desperately for their husbands not to know they had had an abortion in the past. That's not something I have heard of anybody thinking about in advance.
I want to tell you about one woman I worked with. She had a daughter, and gave her up for adoption. It was an open adoption (she was in contact with the adoptive mother). When she contacted me, she was pregnant again, and she wanted to go to college, and was afraid the college wouldn't accept her, so she was considering abortion. To make a long story short, she didn't end up going to that college. She had her son, and she's parenting him. The adoptive mother was very supportive, and now the two children play together. She ended up developing a career as a portrait photographer, and is known widely for her advocacy for birthmothers. And she's happy. Sometimes we get handed curve balls. Sometimes what we end up doing isn't what we thought we would be doing. But life has a way of working itself out if we do the right things. One way or the other, if you do the right thing, you will see things work out. It may be tough, but life isn't easy anyway, and we thrive best when we meet challenges. No matter how hard you try to plan your future, things don't seem to work out that way. I'm speaking from experience. :)
Given the fact abortion is dangerous, and you have doubts, I'd say don't. Take one day at a time. Go and get some decent counseling, and learn what resources are available to you before deciding. You can find a local organization to help you by going here:
http://www.heartbeatinternational.org/worldwide_directory.asp
Choose "Canada" from the country list. There are 287 organizations on 15 pages. If you click on "details", you will get contact information. Talk to them, look at an ultrasound, and then decide. Perhaps if you reach that point, there will be nothing to decide!
Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby, and please protect yourself. Let me know how things turn out.
