QuestionDear Doc,
I am married and have two beautiful kids; 4.5 yr old son and 1.3 yr old daughter... I have been monitoring my Ovulation Days as a form of Contraception. We only had sex after the 19th day of my period every month. It had been going very well all these 7 years of our relationship together. But this month i did not have my period which i normally get on the 28-30 day. I carried out several home preg test which turned negative... now i am very much confused. I don't want a thrid baby because we think our family is complete with two children... if i am pregnant then I am thinking of abortion pills misoprostol that are taken bucally... but then i think of nor murdering my own child... i am confused whether I am pregnant or not because if i see the date we had sex, it was a safe date as it was the 20th day of my cycle... the tests are negative too... but what could be wrong with me...is there any other condition where women dont get periods and show negative test results as well? and would i be murdering the child if its only an embryo at this stage? would i still be sinful?
AnswerHello, Sana,
Please know that I am not a doctor. I am a medical researcher.
To begin with, the 19th day is still possibly fertile, if your period is due to start on the 30th day. This is because the period starts 14 days after the day of ovulation, but a woman is fertile for a couple of days before and after. Do you know how to tell when you have fertile mucus? It is transparent and slippery, and stretches like a raw egg white. If you are testing for fertility, that is a second method, but I'd use both together. A woman is fertile as long as there is fertile mucus.
As for whether or not abortion is murdering the child if he or she is only an embryo at this point, whether you are Christian or Muslim, the answer is "yes". We know that once the sperm and ovum meet, conception has occurred (although there is a period of time of a few hours when the genetic material of both completely merge). From that point on, this is a living organism that simply grows. Stopping that at any point means to stop a life that was intended to be. I believe it was Bonhoeffer who said that God certainly intended to create a human being, so it's murder. Islam forbids abortion. From a legal standpoint, it's killing, if abortion is legal. It is not legally considered murder. But what is legal and what is ethical are two different things. Not knowing what your religious tradition is, I can't really say more, but if you want to go into more detail, let me know what your faith tradition is.
Another thing to keep in mind is that if you are pregnant, even though the baby is very small, he or she already has a beating heart. What this also means is that there are brain waves, even though we cannot detect them. But a heart won't beat without the brain coordinating all the cells. By the time you are sure you are pregnant, the baby will have fingers and eyes.
As for how it will affect you, feeling the way you do, being concerned about whether abortion is murder or not, you would probably have some pretty serious emotional repercussions if you were to have an abortion. This would be aggravated by the fact that a pill abortion takes several days, and you have to go through what is essentially labor. And you might see the little one. Unfortunately, the emotional repercussions can be so severe that some women turn to suicide, or abuse drugs or alcohol. The likelihood of suicide is about 6 times what it would be if you carried to term. The likelihood of death by violent means of all kinds is 3 1/2 times as great for the first year. A woman can also experience eating and sleep disturbances, such as nightmares. I have experienced the nightmares. They are intense, and I wouldn't wish that off on my worst enemy.
Let's do a thought experiment. Since you say you consider your family complete with two children, do you think you shouldn't consider doing away with one of the other two rather than this one? This one, if you are pregnant, is your children's sibling. This is also your husband's child. Each of those people, yourself included, have a right to get to know and love this child.
The pills are very dangerous and can kill you. They can cause you to bleed to death, rupture your uterus, or develop an infection that can kill you within hours. They can also make you more likely to get an auto-immune disease such as lupus or rheumatoid arthritis. We are only beginning to learn what the long term dangers of these pills are. One of the pills normally used is manufactured by a company that says a pregnant woman should never take it, because of how toxic it is for a pregnant woman.
Even if you think your family is complete, think of preserving your own life and health. Your children need you. If you harm yourself, who will take care of them? Do you have the money to pay for medical care in case of complications? Having three children is not a bad thing. If you now have three children, obviously your family wasn't complete with just two. We actually raised seven. I am so thankful we have a large family. Whenever someone needs help, there is always someone else who can help out. They love each other dearly, so much so that they even often live together to share expenses, including the married ones. There have been many different occasions and combinations of this. We also have twelve grandchildren. I cannot imagine life without any of these people.
As for whether you are pregnant or not, you didn't tell me when your period should have started. Pregnancy tests won't always show positive until at least a week after the period should have started. If you count from the 20th day, this means that testing will probably not tell you much until at least the 35th day. But indeed, there are other things that can cause the period not to come. Stress is one. So is malnutrition, or exercising heavily. If you are a vegetarian, and don't eat any animal foods at all, you are suffering from malnutrition. There are several different vitally important nutrients you don't get. And of course there are other ways to experience malnutrition. And do you have any other symptoms of pregnancy? What symptoms did you have before? Did you have morning sickness? Not all women do.
So I strongly urge you not to consider abortion. You deserve better. Since early hormones often cause a woman not to want to be pregnant, please keep in mind that right now, you may not like the idea, but there will come a time when you will feel very differently. And since I went through a pregnancy I desperately didn't want, I know how you might feel. (And it turns out that child was the blessing I didn't know I needed, because he was the only one available to take care of my mother-in-law during her last year so she could have the desire of her heart, to live in her own apartment for the rest of her life. We owed her so much, and it was the least we could do.) Please don't do this. Please stay safe. Feel free to talk to me any time, and please keep in touch and let me know how you do.
