QuestionMy bf and I had only been dating a few months when I became pregnant. He knew I wasn't on birth control before we starting having sex (no insurance, could no longer afford it) and we were relying on the pull out method...only problem was that he often "forgot" to pull out. He would often joke about wanting to 'knock me up' so I could be his forever.In hindsight, I'm not so sure he was joking. After confirming my pregnancy fears via an at home test, I showed it to him. He seemed excited and said he wanted to have it and get married, but would support me 100% in whatever decision I made. After careful thought and prayer I decided that we weren't ready for that commitment yet and I wasn't having the baby. I told him and he said ok and was silent for the most part. Everything seemed ok. A few wks later I scheduled the procedure and told him I was doing it the next day. Thats when things got weird. My normally affectionate bf wouldn't touch me after that and barely spoke to me at all that night. I went to hug him and he pushed me away saying, 'dont hug me you r killing my baby'. He apologized the next AM, but the damage was already done. I slept about 3 hrs the night before, he didn't sleep at all. I begged him to talk to me about it, but he wouldn't. The AM of I overhead him talking to a male friend about coming to visit him in South America and he told him 'I'm single now, dude'. Devastated and confused I confronted him and he basically said nothing. I also found out that day that he told his ex I was pregnant and having an abortion. I was livid. My body and personal decisions were none of her business. He half-heartedly apologized again. He refused to go to the appt with me so I went alone. I texted him from the dr.'s office apologizing if my decision hurt him. He wasn't rude, but basically broke up with me via text saying 'I can do better than him, I would make someone lucky one day, and goodbye'. I had the procedure 30m later. That was earlier today. He hasn't called or texted since and I feel like I'm in this by myself now. I have no idea what to do. Even though I've only known him 3 months, I do love him. I know he's hurting, but so am I. At this point, rekindling the relationship is likely out of the question because I feel betrayed and distrustful of him. However, I know he is in pain and I want to be there for him, but I don't know how since he wont let me. How can I help us get through this when he has totally shut me out?
AnswerHello, Vanessa,
Thank you for the additional information as well.
My heart goes out to you. You discovered too late that abortion hurts women.
Unfortunately, pulling doesn't work at all. It doesn't matter whether the guy forgot or not. Even getting near with a drop of semen can occasionally cause pregnancy.
Clearly, he didn't want you to have an abortion. He sounds like he's bitter, and doesn't know what to do. A lot of men will react the way he did, because they don't have the legal right to protect their children. So they try to distance themselves emotionally by telling the woman that they will support whatever decision she makes. The woman often takes this as a form of abandonment, which it really is. The man isn't nearly as committed as they both thought he was. It's only when things get tough, or go wrong, that people realize where they really stand. Abortion is a major cause of relationships breaking up. It happens about 90% of the time after abortion. In retrospect, he started this chain of events in motion by taking advantage of you sexually. I think he realized it when it was too late to influence your decision. There were probably things he could have done, but it's rare for a man to realize what they are.
A woman's hormones cause her to bond with a man when she has sex. Women are much more likely to commit to a man than the other way around. There is often a lot of miscommunication about the level of commitment. Given that he has broken off with you, you will have to leave it up to him to deal with his own pain, because there's really nothing you can do about it.
All of that said, it is quite understandable that you are heartbroken over this whole chain of events. The important thing now is to work through all you are experiencing, and it probably won't be easy. You didn't say what country you are in. If you are in the United States, there are organizations everywhere that help women work through the abortion experience. To find one near you, please go to this web site:
http://www.optionline.org/
They have a few listings for Canada and UK as well.
Please do this. The frame of mind you are in is not good, and you really need to deal with it.
If you are in another country, let me know where, and I will see what I can find for you.
As for whether the two of you can get back together, I would say chances are you won't be able to. Learn from this experience, and don't let a man take advantage of you in the future. Certainly you can pray for him, and hope that he will respond eventually. But I don't want to hold out a false hope. If you did get back together, you would have a lot to work through to make it work. It won't be easy, either.
I will be praying for you. I will be here; you may well need to talk to me a number of times because this happened so recently. Please feel free. God loves you, and is ready to forgive you if you just ask. Emotional and spiritual healing is possible, and I hope that you will experience this sooner rather than later. If I were there with you, I would give you a hug. Take care.
