Imagine the following scenario: A mother sits in a pool, urging her 3-year-old, Mark, to jump into her arms. He is unsure about this. He holds back, she cajoles and lectures. He shrinks away, she responds with a combination of encouragement and admonishment. This battle of wills goes on for more than 30 minutes, with mom pressing him to do as she asks, until at last he jumps. The water feels great, and he learns that there was nothing to fear after all.
Many mothers & fathers would place this experience under the heading of a success: Little Mark was reluctant to try something new, his parents prodded and pressured, until finally his resistance was broken and he learned he could do it. But due to the WAY he learned of this ability, there were also other ideas attached. ?I must not be very brave; I need to be pushed to do something challenging; etc.? His accomplishment is marred by the fact that he didn't accomplish it on his own.
His mother was also likely to form similar ideas. "Mark needs to be constantly pushed and persuaded; otherwise he'll never try anything." These ideas become a self-fulfilling prophecy, establishing a pattern of parent-child interaction that repeats itself as Mark grows up.
This is but one example of how subtle nuances in parenting style can have a much bigger impact on children that mom or dad would ever imagine. By themselves, each incident like this will not amount to anything substantial. But repeated a thousand times in various circumstances as a child grows up, such interactions come to form the core of what a child thinks about themselves.
It's also an example of a much larger parenting issue: the question of whether children are being conditioned for internal or external motivations. Most parents rely on external motivations: they command, dictate, tell and resort to brute power and force when necessary. Internal motivations - such as asking questions that will help the child form their own conclusions or encouraging independence in kids - are used far less often.
Think back to the swimming pool incident for a moment. Mark stands on the edge of the pool, hesitant about jumping in. But rather than hounding and pressuring him, mom says something along the lines of: ?I know you possess the desire and courage inside of you to jump. You just need a little reinforcement. Know that I love you and would never ask you to do something dangerous. I'm sure you'll be proud of yourself once you do this. So I'll wait right here to catch you as soon as you think you are ready.? Then she waits patiently without saying a work. It takes about 2 more minutes, and involves several false starts, but eventually he leaps into her arms.
The same result has been reached: Mark jumped into the pool and discovered there was nothing to fear. But the environment in which he learned this led to entirely different messages about himself. His mother displayed a faith in Mark's courage and then stepped aside to let him to take the initiative. Since he wasn't hounded to act, the accomplishment was all his own.
Children are learning about themselves in every interaction we have with them. Whether we see our kids as competent and capable, or as helpless and dependent, will come through in our actions. This is not said to make parents overly paranoid or to infer that every interaction should adhere to a proper script (as if there could be a proper script for childrearing). We just want to encourage you to take a moment to think about the patterns you're laying down with your kids. Specifically . . .
A) When you guide a child's behavior, are you asking questions which allow them to formulate a response on their own, or do you tell them how they should act and what to think?
B) Do you give children adequate opportunity to do things for themselves before you step in to help them?
C) Do you express faith and confidence in their abilities?
D) Are your expectations encouraging competence, or dependence?
Without getting overly obsessive about it, consider whether your interactions support such principles. It is in these everyday moments, not all the unearned compliments or false praise you give, that children truly develop competence and self-esteem.
Be sure to visit our website for a variety of free books and resources to help your family, including information on perception and how it affects our thinking. You can also follow us on Twitter @GCFparents.
