QuestionHi,
My husband and I have been married for 30 years. I know what you're thinking. Why is she still married if he does this?
Guess I better explain the situation. My husband is an only child and was spoiled by his mother and his grandmother. He didn't have a father growing up (his dad caught his mother cheating and after five months of marriage decided to hit the road). His mother has never had a good word to say about anybody and, unfortunately, he picked up on this and thought it was normal behavior, but the difference is he doesn't talk about you unless you make him angry. Then he gets even by saying hurtful things to anyone who will listen, namely most of the neighbors, half the church, and of course our two grown children who have long since learned not to listen to him. I have a very good relationship with my sons. They also love their father in spite of this trait and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have tried to emphasize to them that he has a lot of good attributes that compensate for this behavior characteristic.
I studied psychology in college when I was getting my B.S. degree and know that he fits into the personality disorder of narcissism. At the same time, I know that I have my own flaws, dealing with anxiety and I'm sure others that I may not be aware of. I have learned to "live with his behavior" as I am sure he has had to adjust to some of my quirks as well.
But this gossip thing is hurtful and making it difficult for us to have a marriage. For years I wasn't aware that he was doing it. When I found out, I decided that we would not have mutual friends. Our friends would have to be separate. I didn't want to risk losing any more friends! My sons were afraid to bring their girlfriends home for fear of what he might say to them. He trashed them as well as me, but never in their presence. When I tell him he has to stop doing this he denies it completely. I can't count on both hands the number of people who have repeated back to me things that I know he said because he would be the only one with that information and I recognized the way he talks.
Any suggestions on how to handle this? I'm desperate. Thanking you in advance.
Carol
AnswerDear Carol,
It sounds as though you have reached your limit and it's time for some action. There are a few approaches. 1. you could suggest that you see a marriage counselor together (taking all of the blame off of him, even if he is the one with the problem that needs work will assist in getting him to see someone) Often a third party opinion can be just the key to someone opening their eyes to a serious problem. 2. go on a marriage retreat weekend and via many of the excerises, he and you will face this issue fairly quickly and with the immediate help of trained professionals. 3. speak to him, as you have, informing that this is serious. You have found way to deal with his gossip/ bad attitude, but you have found increasing difficult and it is affecting your marriage and your love and respect for him. This is something you can tackle together!
Check out smartmarriages.com for retreats and aamft.org for counselors.
I hope this helps.
