Questionmy husband and i met in high school back in 1999. we had been together for 6-7 years until last year. in september of 2006 we seperated and filed for divorce. i felt like we had taken each other for granted, and also didnt appreciate one another anymore. after leaving my husband i found a wonderful man only after two months of being seperated. for once in my life i had found the love that i had always wanted. i also for once felt the love, breathed the love, and returned it with everything i had. he treated my two children(from my marriage) with the upmost respect and gave them more love attention then my husband ever had. i waited 24 years to be truely happy within myself and my life. my new boyfriend and i had a really great relationship that ended very unexpectedly. he commited suicide in july of this year. i was completely distraught, and in every way destroyed. i can not begin to tell you what i go through on a daily basis inside my heart. after my boyfriends death, my husband and i became close again. he tried to be there for me in every possible way he could. i made the decision to let him come back home and we are working on salvaging our marriage. after my boyfriends passing, of course i still have alot of issues that i have not gotten to deal directly with. i still love him very much and dont believe in my heart i will ever be as happy or as in love as i was with him. so far my husband and i's relationship has gone very well. we appreciate each other more. we do not take one another for granted, and he is alot more helpful to me and the children. alot of people believe that i am going to end up doing more damage to my heart by allowing my husband to come home before i am completely over my boyfriend, but i do not believe i will ever be over him. he was a very big impact on my life, and losing me has taught me alot about life. my divorce will not be final until april of 2008, and i am willing to see if its worth saving. i do care about my husband dearly, and having him home i believe has done me alot of good. without him, im not sure if i would have survived all of this with such a sane outlook. i thought your insight on this issue would be quiet helpful to me. your honesty would be greatly appreciated.
AnswerHello Kay: I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
You know, as I read your letter, I began to think that you have experienced so much as a young woman. You have seen and felt things that few people have - especially at your age. What a lucky man your husband is.
Given what you have shared with me, my advice is to do everything you can to save your marriage. Even with the pain, the separation, the neglect - this marriage, if restored, could become more fulfilling and filled with love than you or your husband could ever imagine. Not to mention the positive impact it would have on your kids.
Here's a few suggestions for you;
1. Buy and read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Farley. Both of you need to read it.
2. Focus on those things that attracted you to your husband when both of you were in high school. Look for those good things again in him. He should do the same.
3. Get to a professional marriage counselor. Choose him or her together.
Lastly Kay - don't worry about the feelings you have about your boyfriend and your relationship with him - how you miss him. He filled a gap in your life like no one else. He cannot be replaced. It is normal for you to miss and grieve him.
While there is nothing you can do to bring him back, thank God that this young man came into your life when he did. That he brought you such joy and happiness. Let me ask you this question - If you could ask your boyfriend right now what he would want you to do - what would he say?
Given what you have shared with me, I am betting he would say, "Kay, you brought such light into my life, you will never know what you meant to me. I was in a bad place and I chose a way out that hurt you - I am sorry. Now, go on with your life, do what is good and right for your kids and most of all, be happy."
Do you think I hit that about right?
If so, you know what to do. Rebuild your marriage. Love your husband. Love your kids. And build a life that you will be proud of. I sense that you have it in you.
I do wish you peace and happiness. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you and thank you again for sharing your life.
David
