QuestionI was in an complicated relationship where as me and my partner where not as sexually active as i would like to be and i ended up bumping into and old friend and we had sex. now im pregnant and dont know who the father is. i had sex with my boyfriend like 2 wks before i had sex with the other guy but im still confused about who the father is. i told them i was pregnant and now they both thinking that I'm with the other one when im all by myself. well to get to the point about the abortion i don't want to have one but i keep thinking that having the baby would be a mistake. the guy that i cheated with want the baby and my boyfriend dont want anymore kids. so im so torn. im thinkin it would be the easiest thing to do and i dont have to deal with the men that i had sex with anymore because i dont really want to anyway. please i just need someone to talk to about this that might be able to help me with my choice. so what would you do if it was you?
AnswerHi, Denise,
I wouldn't blame my baby for the difficulties I was having with my relationships. Not only that, but if I didn't want an abortion, I wouldn't have one. Abortion is dangerous anyway, and there's no point in me taking those kinds of risks just because I can't sort out my relationships. Risking my life would not be even a remote possibility for me. It's not worth it. Our bodies were designed to protect our children, and the only way an abortion can be done in the first place is to harm us in some way. I'll be happy to go into details if you want to know.
If I didn't want to deal with either man, I wouldn't worry about whose baby it was. But this is something you can find out later if you really want to know at that point. I would think carefully about each man, and think about whether I would want a future with either of them. Would either of them make a good husband and father? Would either of them cherish you and protect you and your baby? Are you upset with them because each is thinking that your baby is from the other one, and you are with that one? Are both of them distrusting your word? Would you be better off finding someone new, and being more selective next time?
When a man is willing to go to bed with a woman he hasn't even made a commitment to, you always have to ask just how much he would stand by you, and whether or not you are simply a source of pleasure. If you look for a man who won't take advantage of you, and who won't put you at risk, that would be a much better man to spend time with. You deserve better. It sounds like part of your problem is that neither of them trusts you. Trust is much more difficult when two people are having casual sex. But you can start over. If you determine that neither man is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you can break up with both of them and make yourself available. Whoever comes along next, his attitude about sex may tell you a lot about his character. If he wants you to get in bed with him, look for someone better. If it's your idea, turn over a new leaf. When a man has everything he wants, what motive is there for him to seek a better and stronger relationship?
If you decide that one of the men would be good for you in the long run, have a long talk with him. You didn't owe it to either to stay faithful to him. But personally, I'd be more inclined to go with the one who wants the baby. The other one sounds a little too spoiled to me. If you choose the one who wants the baby, ask him if he can love your child, even if he or she isn't his. It's not impossible he will be a real father to the child, and be willing to adopt the child as his own at some point. Find out how he feels.
Your baby is not guilty of any of these problems, and is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby. If you need help (financial, counseling, or whatever), please find a local crisis pregnancy organization. You can find one by going here:
http://pregnancycenters.org/
Please keep both you and your baby safe. Please let me know how this turns out.
