QuestionQUESTION: I am 20 years old and I recently had an abortion on Oct 29 2010. My fiance and I were having unprotected sex and agreed that if I were to get pregnant that we were going to keep it. I was very scared when I first found out I was pregnant, I told my fiance immediately and we kept it to ourselves for 3 weeks, he asked me if I really wanted to keep it, he said if I really wasn't ready that he would take me to the clinic and we would try to have a baby when I felt ready. I agreed to keep the babies (It wasn't until I went to the abortion clinic that I found out I was having twins)until he and I got into an argument that night. This is why I decided to have the abortion, I was very angry and resentful towards him at the time. I had actually started getting excited about the pregnancy even though I am still fairly young to be getting pregnant. I am in college which also made me very nervous about continuing the pregnancy, however, I still wanted the babies. My fiance has a fairly stable job and makes a good enough living that he would've been able to support us all. It wasn't even until I told my mom that I even thought about an abortion, my family is pro-choice, and so it wasn't odd to me that she asked that question. After she talked to me she really had me second guessing my decision to proceed and told me all the things I would miss out on if I became a mom, but she never told me the benefits of having a baby or the emotions I would feel if I had the procedure done (she also aborted twins when she was younger). I went to the clinic that morning and the doctor did the exam and told me I was having twins, at that point I wanted to run out of the office and not go through with the procedure. I felt like I was doing something wrong and felt very deceitful, but I had it surgically done anyway even though I second guessed that decision the whole time I was in the office, I was between 13-14 weeks pregnant. I didn't and haven't told my fiance about the procedure, instead I told him I miscarried and now am feeling extremely guilty for what I've done. Not only for going through with the abortion, but also lying to him. My parents convinced me to get it done and not tell my husband-to-be, they are not exactly fond of my fiance which did not make my decision any easier. I am hurt that I not only terminated one life, but two. Now I am seriously considering getting pregnant again and going through with the pregnancy this time. My fiance also wants to try again for another baby as he is also hurt by this. I don't want to get pregnant immediately, but I do want to try again soon. Am I just feeling guilty because I had the procedure done? When is it universally safe to try to get pregnant again? Is there anything that truly comforts you after going through an experience like this? Is it wrong that I had an abortion and now want to get pregnant? How do people find peace within themselves and forgive themselves enough to move on?
ANSWER: Dear Zoe,
My heart goes out to you. It is so easy to do something on the spur of the moment that you will regret for the rest of your life. It's just too easy to get an abortion. They should have counseled you and determined you weren't a good candidate for abortion. In my opinion, that's malpractice. There is no medical reason to counterbalance the dangers, either.
You haven't told me what country you are from. There are organizations in many parts of the world that offer counseling to women who regret their abortions. Emotional and spiritual healing ARE possible. If I know where you are, I can provide you with a link that will help you find an organization near you. I will also be here for you. Let a counselor guide you about what, if anything, to tell your fiance. Expect that there will be difficult emotions because of this. There is also the possibility that you wish your fiance had fought for his babies. Abortion can often destroy a relationship. It can also make it much more likely you will hurt yourself. Don't harm yourself in any way. Please. You are precious. God made you, and He loves you. He even came and died so you can be with Him. Your babies are already with Him. If you have had a relationship with God in the past, He wants you back. If you haven't, please get to know Him. You can have God's forgiveness. You already regret your abortion, and so this forgiveness is freely available. Forgiving yourself is harder, but it can be done. I know many women who have recovered emotionally and spiritually from abortion. Pray and read the Psalms. There are some that will speak to your heart. If you would like me to write more to you about all of this, let me know. I will also pray for you.
Some women have a desire to have a replacement baby. You had already bonded with your babies, and this bond has been broken. There is emptiness in your heart. Be sure that if you do get pregnant again soon, you are prepared to care for the child. Also, you will need to tell your doctor during prenatal care that you have had an abortion, because the risks to you and your future children have increased. Find a doctor who knows abortion is bad medicine. Don't go back to the person who did the abortion; he can't be trusted. There is nothing that can be done to guarantee that a woman will be universally safe to have an abortion. You do the best you can.
Please let me know what country you are in. Please take care of yourself. Let me know how you do.
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QUESTION: Yes I do agree that abortions are too easy to get and they don't ask the right questions in the clinic to confirm whether you are making a sound decision. I am from the US (specifically east coast area). No, I don't feel that he needed to fight for them because if he knew what I intended to do that morning I know he would've fought for them. He was ready to be a father and would've done anything he possibly could have to protect me and our babies and give us anything we need/desire. For a little bit I thought about hurting myself, but I thought if I did that it really doesn't solve the issue and in the end I will only disappoint myself even more for making another poor decision. I do know God is my Lord and Savior and that no matter what I do he will always love and care for me. I know God will forgive me faster than I will be able to forgive myself. I know what I did was wrong and it's a decision I never want any woman to have to make. It's a decision that I will have to learn to live with for the rest of my life. I think had someone told me the emotional distress an abortion causes I would never have gotten it done especially considering I went to the appointment out of spite. Yes, like I said I do not want to get pregnant again right away, I need to give myself, my fiance, and our families time to grieve and move on from this traumatic experience. But maybe in a year or two if God is willing to grant me the gift of a child again I would like to have one again. I do not want to have a baby just to replace the ones I gave up, I can never get them back no matter how much I would like to have them with me now. I only wish I realized this sooner. I do have the comfort in knowing that my babies are safe with God and that he is protecting them now. I never want to go through this experience again and, therefore, do not desire to have a child until I am fully committed to having one and am mature enough not to make hasty life changing decisions.
AnswerHello, Zoe,
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You have expressed a lot of valid ideas.
Think about the people God pardoned and then allowed special blessings of serving Him. Two come to mind. King David arranged for Bathsheba's husband to be killed on the front lines in battle so that he could have her. God not only forgave him, but placed him in the lineage of Jesus. Saul was going around murdering Christians. God spoke to him on the road to Damascus, and made him into an Apostle. His ministry is especially important to me because he preached to my ancestors.
I suffered some of the emotional consequences from abortion as well: horrible nightmares. I try to warn as many women as I can. I was horrified that I almost got deceived into abortion. We know that nearly 2/3 of the women who get abortions are reporting they were coerced. Probably only one out of ten even got any halfway reasonable counseling.
It makes my heart glad that your fiance is a good man who would have supported you. I hope that you will be able to make a good decision about what to tell him, and that things will work out for you.
If you have the opportunity, warn other women about the emotional and spiritual consequences of abortion. If they go to an abortion facility, they won't be told. It is important for us to let everyone know so that no more women cry.
Feel free to keep in touch, and let me know how things are going. I pray that God will restore peace to your heart.
