QuestionI had abortion not long ago. I felt like the decision was put mainly on myself. My boyfriend told me that no matter what decision i made he would be there for me. After I made the decision to have the abortion which i felt we both agreed was best he changed. He was deeply hurt and blamed me for killing his baby. Now he feels im not the person he meet because of the decision, but i feel like all the guilt shouldn't be put on myself because it was our decision. Is how he feels okay and is it normal that i regret the decision to?
AnswerHi, cindy,
It is important to be aware that a boyfriend's attitude can have a profound effect on a woman's decision, and if a woman feels any pressure at all, she may end up having an abortion she really doesn't want. Both of you have now gotten past the crisis that made abortion seem like a good idea and have had a chance to reflect on the situation. It is very, very common for both people to feel regret, and really, if you have a heart, yes, feeling regret would be normal. It is less likely the father will express himself, but sometimes a woman will be subjected to blame. It's convenient to blame someone else, but it's a way to run away from his own responsibility. It is also common for an abortion to destroy the relationship of the two people. Tell your boyfriend that you must both take the blame only for your own part in it. The good part about it is that it shows your boyfriend has a heart, too.
The truth is, the abortion has changed both of you.
I urge you both to get some counseling. This is very difficult to handle without help, and there can be serious repercussions. And since he is blaming you, there are dangers involved there as well. Get some counseling before it becomes more serious than it already is. There are organizations all over the United States that offer post-abortion counseling. While counseling for the man is less common, it is also available, and there is a great need, so it will become more available.
You can find an organization near you by going here:
http://www.pregnancycenters.org/
They also offer phone and online counseling, which are good resources when you are feeling a particular level of panic or urgency.
Another resource you may find helpful, especially since I think they have online discussion groups for men, is this web site:
http://www.afterabortion.com/
For your own part, don't blame yourself for any part of the decision that isn't your fault. Be willing to see that he played a crucial role in it.
I don't know what your religious persuasion is, but I have found that being reconciled to God is one of the most important steps to healing. After that, being willing to forgive yourself is very important. Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion. Your emotions won't want you to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is the decision to accept the consequences without placing blame and striking back. The decision to forgive yourself is just that. A decision. You might find a book helpful. It's one I haven't read, but I have had it recommended to me by several people. It's called Her Choice to Heal. Amazon.com currently has used copies available for $1.10, and in any case, it's fairly inexpensive, even if all those copies are sold.
I will be here for you any time. Feel free to come and talk to me and vent, or ask questions, or anything you need to do to get past this. While you can't control your boyfriend's behavior, you can control how you react to it, and this may influence him for the better. If you want to get into the spiritual aspects of healing, I will be happy to present my opinion and thoughts. Take care.
