QuestionI am 21 yrs old and I am in a sticky situation.
2 days ago I found out I'm pregnant, my LMP was July 24th,
so according to my calculation I am about 5 weeks along.
However, I went to my OBGYN today and upon examining my
pelvis he thinks I am about 6 or 7 weeks along. In a weak
moment I had unprotected sex once with my ex boyfriend on
July 3rd and he did not ejaculate in me. I got my period on July 24th, the day i expected it to come.
Subsequent to that I got back together with my current
boyfriend, a different guy, and I started having unprotected
sex with him as of August 1st. He ejaculated in me once.
I had no reason to doubt my current bofriend is the father,
but is it possible that it could be my ex boyfriend based n
what the doctor said? I would have missed my period on July
24th if it was him right? Could my doctor have
miscalculated?
The real issue is that I am contemplating abortion. I know I
acted very irresponsibly, and pregnancy is a consequence of
unprotected sex. But I just dont think I am ready to have
this baby.
I told my boyfriend and he really wants me to follow through
with the pregnancy. He is a christian and does not believe
in abortion. He thinks we can do it and says he will do
whatever is required for me to keep it. He feels I'm just
taking the easy way out and wont be able to live with
himself knowing I did this.
He is not being practical and I have told him that. We are
both medical students we have 3 years left of school. We
have no time or enough funds to manage a baby, unless our
parents decided to step in, which I dont want either. I
refuse to have to leave school or have him leave school
because of the baby. The last thing I want is to resent a
child who did nothing to deserve a less than amazing life.
I am thinking of telling my mother, I am so scared. I know
neither her nor my father would support my decision to keep
the baby. I come from a good family and the last thing they
would want is a knocked up unmarried 21 year old daughter.
Does it really matter what other people think? Is it a sign
that I'm not ready if I care what people think? I did not
have a good experience with the doctor today, he was so cold
like he was thinking "2 more irresponsible 21 yr olds." And
I'm sure thats the first of many of those reactions if I go
through with this.
I am not ready to give up my youth. That sounds so selfish,
I am really torn in my decision. People in my medical class
have had babies, and they seem to be managing. I wanted to
be married and working before I started my family, what
happens to me when I have the baby and he ends up married to
someone else? Noone wants to marry a woman with a baby.
I know it is ultimately my decision, but I would hate for me
and my boyfriend to be haunted by this decision for the rest
of our lives. But I almost feel like I am being bullied into
keeping this pregnancy, if I had not told him I would just
have the abortion. But now he is putting all these thoughts
in my head about keeping it and I know I dont have much time
to ponder this decision.
I spoke with 2 friends who I knew had abortions about 2 yrs
ago, one sympathized with me and the other advised me
against it and said I should do everything possible to try
to keep it, because she still regrets her decision to abort
everyday.
I live in Jamaica and abortions are illegal, but my doctor
performs them, he uses the suction method, which I believe
is safer than the others.
I just don't know what to do? Can you give some insight into
what I need to consider in making my decision? Do I just
need to man up or rather grow up and take control of the
situation at hand and raise my baby? Or should I try to be
responsible now, knowing that I dont feel ready to have a
baby and abort? Will I ever feel ready though?
AnswerHello, Mel,
You raised a lot of points, and I will try to address each of them.
It is possible to have a period when you are pregnant. It's not common, but it does happen. It could mean that the pregnancy is not a healthy situation, and you may miscarry eventually. If you don't have a strong pregnancy, then it would certainly be pointless to have an abortion and take the medical risk. The doctor can probably tell you more about that.
All of that said, suction abortions are NOT safe at all! In fact, they can cause harm to your future children. In order to do one, they have to force open the cervix, and this causes damage. The result is that often a woman cannot carry a baby to term. She may have repeated miscarriages, or a very early birth. Very early birth is a major cause of some serious birth defects, including cerebral palsy, mental retardation, autism, epilepsy, blindness, and deafness. It can also make a woman much more likely to have a tubal pregnancy, which is a life threatening condition that requires emergency surgery. Do you have the money to pay for medical care if you have a serious complication? A surgical abortion can also cause complications at birth and make a Caesarian section necessary. And an abortion of any kind can greatly increase your chance of developing a particularly deadly form of breast cancer while you are still young.
You may not know who the father is, but you certainly DO know who the mother is. Your baby is depending on you for your protection.
Most women don't feel ready to have a baby at first, even if they want one. It's partly a hormonal thing. A woman's hormones just make her feel not ready, or like she doesn't want to be pregnant. This will pass. By the second trimester, most women are aware of bonding with their baby, and feel they can take care of him or her. If you are still unable to take care of your baby, you can choose adoption. It is much safer for you.
It's not about what's practical. It's about matters of the heart, and it's about the fact that you have a baby who needs your protection. If you do have an abortion, you are taking the life of the father's baby, too. I don't know whether this is your boyfriend's baby or not, but I don't really think it matters. He wants to protect this baby and take care of him or her, and that is such a blessing. Not only can having an abortion destroy the relationship you have, but it can destroy the relationship both you and he have with God. Maybe it's your decision entirely, but that's not the way it should be. Yes, going to school will be more difficult. But it is possible, and with your boyfriend to share the responsibilities, I know you can do it. How do I know that? I know it because I got my degree after I had four children, three of them preschoolers. I gave birth to my second child during the semester, and stayed out for a week, my choice, and aced my courses. Do you really want to look back on your college years and say, yes, I got my degree, but I had to kill my baby to do it?
As for the timing of pregnancy and all that, well, a couple of things. First, pulling out doesn't work (as you found out). All it takes is one drop of semen left behind to cause pregnancy, and most of the time, a man does leave behind at least a drop. And as a medical student, I am sure you are aware that pregnancy can be calculated in two different ways. One is by counting from the last menstrual period, and one is gestational age. They usually use LMP because of the uncertainty of when a woman conceives. These two dates are usually about 2 weeks apart, so that can make a difference. But if what you had is really your period, then you would have conceived two weeks earlier.
As for telling your mother, you should expect her to be upset. However, it has been our experience that most parents become very supportive and love their grandchildren very dearly. I never wanted to have a grandchild who was born out of wedlock, either, but I have two, and I love them from the bottom of my heart. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them, and as far as I am concerned, they are just as precious as the other nine grandchildren. Give your mother a chance. And don't be concerned about letting your parents help you. We help our children when we can, and we are glad to do it. It doesn't matter whether they made a mistake or not. Regardless, they don't have any right to expect you to risk your life so they don't have to feel ashamed. And much of it depends on whether or not they have the best values anyway. If they did, they wouldn't care what other people think. I don't. As for someone being willing to marry someone with a child, actually, we know plenty of women who ended up getting married after having one or more children. Being willing to protect and raise your child is a very good recommendation to a man who wants a good wife. If the father doesn't end up marrying you, then someone else probably will, and sometimes they may even adopt the child. Regardless, they can raise the child as their own. How do I know this? Because we have six children in our family where the father is not the biological father of the child, and all of the fathers are doing a very good job of being really good fathers. A father isn't the sperm donor, but the person who raises and cherishes the child.
There are organizations in many parts of the world that will help a woman. The closest to you is Nicaragua. I know that isn't very close, but they may be able to help you find some help in Jamaica. Here is the information:
Caritas de Nicaragua
Apartado Postal #2148
Managua
Nicaragua
There are also organizations in Florida that might be able to help. To find these, go to this web site:
http://www.pregnancycenters.org/
You can also talk to them online. They can provide some suggestions on how to deal with things.
In sum, I strongly urge you NOT to have an abortion. The very fact you are asking me about it means you are not certain you want one, and uncertainty is very bad if a woman goes ahead. An abortion is forever. You can't take it back. The emotional and spiritual impact alone can be horrendous. You really deserve better than abortion. I will be here for you, and I can help you figure out how to make things work. Please take care of your baby, and stay safe, and let me know what happens. I am praying for you.
