QuestionQUESTION: Hi there, my reasons for termination of my pregnancy is a very personal one. Please don't judge me for this. The father of the baby knows I am pregnant but I don't want him to know that I am terminating it. I am afraid he will want to rush me to a doctor or a hospital when he sees me bleeding and I cannot afford the doctors to tell him it was not a natural miscarriage. Will they want to do test or scans? I am talking State Hospital but maybe a private doctor. Please help me.
ANSWER: Hello, Helpless,
How far along are you? Are you measuring from your last menstrual period, or when you think you probably conceived? Knowing that will make it possible for me to give you a better idea of how successful you might be.
Your reasons for terminating your pregnancy do not concern me except insofar as I can be helpful, to help you find an answer that is not medically harmful. I am not into judging people. Women who have abortions judge themselves much more harshly than anyone else anyway. I don't know how you feel about the father, but if you have a relationship with him, having an abortion will probably destroy it, even if you don't tell him that you had one.
I can't speak for what the doctors will try to do if he takes you to the hospital. Since you COULD bleed to death, he would be right to take you. Not only that, but the pills may not do what you want them to anyway, or if you use them the wrong way, you could get toxic shock syndrome. This is a massive infection that will kill a woman within hours. This is not something to mess with. If you do take the pills, at that point, they would still be able to find remnants in your blood.
And the possible immediate problems are not the only possible consequences. If the pills work as you want them to, you will have to go through labor. Your body is not prepared for it, and there will be pain. (It is possible to have childbirth without pain or without significant pain. I know this because I did it four times. But with an abortion, there will be pain.) You may become incapacitated to the point where you require help. If that does happen, it is likely the father will figure out what you have done, sooner or later. He may be the one who ends up taking care of you. It will take several days to complete the process. Depending, you may see your baby. The emotional consequences can be horrendous. Abortion greatly increases the chance a woman will harm herself afterwards, or come to harm in some other way. It also makes a woman much more prone to get breast cancer. If this is your first pregnancy, and you have a history of breast cancer in your close relatives, it is a virtual certainty. It strikes a woman before she is 40, and kills 1/4 of the victims. It can also lead to auto-immune disease such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. An auto-immune disease is when the body attacks itself.
You need to be aware of the consequences, because it is important for you to give informed consent. These pills are basically poisonous. Cytotec is intended to be used as a stomach ulcer medication. The manufacturer says a pregnant woman must never take it. You have to go against good medical practice to use it that way. And Cytotec by itself may not do anything but cause serious birth defects.
And there is always the possibility that what you get from someone may not be the actual drug. It depends on your source. It would be unethical for a pharmacist to sell it to you. There are a lot of people out there who sell bogus pills.
Regardless of what your reasons are, there are better answers, and you deserve better. Having a child does not mean you have to raise him or her. You can choose adoption instead. But abortion is bad medicine and it is unethical. It ALWAYS harms a woman's body. I don't want that for you, and I will pray for you.
I will be here any time you need to talk. Please take care of yourself. Please.
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QUESTION: Hi there,
Thank you so much for the information and prompt reply and especially your warnings and concern. I am about 8 weeks now and I was given the prescriptions for the Cytotec tablets by a registered GP and they accepted this at the pharmacy.I have suffered with infections since childhood and have a hormone imbalance, some overy problems and sists. I have been getting cramps and feel weak often, even fainted at work last week. Two weeks ago I had a discharge with a pink color and was told to put my legs up and have plenty of bed rest. Early stages and stress plus I walk a steep uphill on a daily basis to catch a bus and mostly to get to places as I don't have a car.
The relationship is not a good one but also not all that bad but it will never go beyond what we have meaning more serious or marriage. He is a womanizer and at times his selfish barbaric and narcissistic ways wears me out completely. He only drinks over weekends but he says it's his time off but I have told him so many times that his "time off" is at cost of others as he does nothing for himself - from pouring his own drink to opening a packet of Simba chips. No time for anyone else to relax...this is a relationship I am working towards getting out of a.s.a.p. as it is an abusive one - mentally, emotionally and physically...
ANSWER: Hello, Helpless,
You are too far along for Cytotec to work well. You can really mess up your body by trying with Cytotec. You need to throw those in the trash! Seriously. Since you are already bleeding a little, you may naturally miscarry anyway. There is no sense in taking a poisonous pill that isn't supposed to work at all as far along as you are, especially if you will miscarry naturally anyway.
What kind of infections do you get? I may be able to help you find a way to clear them up. But the truth is, Cytotec can actually make you MORE prone to infections. In fact, it could even cause you to develop Toxic Shock Syndrome, which is an infection that kills women within hours. It is caused by Clostridium sordellii, and a lot of women just naturally have Clostridium sordellii in their bodies. If they don't take a poisonous pill like Cytotec, it is unlikely to bother them.
Would you be able to order things over the internet from South Africa?
It does sound like you need to get rid of the relationship. Let me know why you haven't been able to get out of the relationship yet. Perhaps I can help you with that as well. It's certainly not helping your frame of mind. Is there a reason you can't just walk out of it? Who is paying for the place where you live? If you are (and it sounds like it), then you just need to tell him to leave. If he refuses to go, talk to the police.
For help with your medical problems, and pregnancy-related problems, please visit this web site:
http://www.sacares.net/whoweare.htm
They will help you.
Please do this! You deserve better than abortion, and you are precious in the sight of God. He wants to take care of you, and you need to stop trying to hurt yourself. Abortion is dangerous and can kill you.
Let's talk about your other problems as well. Do you have low blood pressure? Are you eating a good diet? Perhaps a mineral supplement would be helpful as well. Do you have the money to buy a few supplements. If you suffer a complication from trying to have an abortion, do you have the money to pay for medical care? It can cost a LOT of money. Supplements and eating right are much cheaper. Please take care of yourself and keep in touch.
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QUESTION: I really need to do this termination...please...any other pill then Cytotec?
My story or situation is nothing new...I am still married but have been separated from my husband for 2 years now. I have two kids, ages 8 and 4 and they live with their dad. We wanted to move away to try and save our marriage but instead we drifted apart as he cannot find a suitable job. They pay peanuts here in Durban but expect one to work a 7 day work week and odd hours. He has his own business but the market is not all that stable for the trade he is in and starting up with it in Durban area where nobody knows you is much harder and will take a long time for him to build a name and reputation. My kids...miss them terribly...know I did more harm to them than good by moving. Was a mutual decision though for me to move in advance and try and find us good jobs and a place to stay and search for suitable schools...I ended up having this affair and no matter how hard I try to just walk away even for my kid's sake I cannot seem to bring myself to do it. I am the type of person who will rather buy a pie today and one tomorrow at R10.00 each than buy a KFC Streetwise 2 as a meal today. Money is a problem but I never tell my family that as this goes both ways and I'd rather save them the stress and worry of knowing I will eat bread for a week and have no meat for a month. I pay my own rent and live on my own. I make my own way and I don't ask for help very easily. I have no friends nor family here in Durban. I am a very routined type of person - go to work, go home, go to work, go home.
As far as this man and the relationship goes - I am an Aquarius star sign. apparently a dreamer and always live in a fantasy that everything will work out fine and perfect. I am sensitive and feel sorry for people very quickly...I somehow believe that this man will change as I have learned a great deal about myself being with him, I do take advantage of some situations to make a point to him and he strangely enough listens and take what I say to heart but sadly some of this only lasts about a week or two or three. I know I deserve better and yes, I wanted to keep this baby but this is also just wishful thinking that a child will change him...he has a son and is divorced but they way he treats his son and ex-wife tells me I won't regret walking out nor regret the termination. I will always carry the emotional scar of this but I should have known better. My kids need me and I will rather spend the time trying to salvage the relationship between them and me before I have this baby and let them feel I left them to have another baby and that is unfair. They shouldn't have to go through this and feel I don't love them so I left them and want another baby. They don't want to move down here and live with me as they are very attached to their dad. They will feel I am having this baby so that I can have a child with me, maybe feel I am punishing them for not wanting to be with me...I sound paranoid...sorry...but please, I need this termination. There is no future for me with this man and to bring this baby into this world will have him on by back for the rest of my life...I am white and he is Indian...this alone is already beyond all and every moral boundary set coming form a racist and conservative background...
AnswerHello, Helpless,
I am going to give you some straight talk. Please know that I seek to do this in kindness. What you have done so far is water under the bridge. But you have it within your power to change things for the better in the future, if you make the right decisions. Thank you for entrusting me with this additional information. It makes it easier for me to discuss your situation with you.
Usually, when a couple separates, it does hasten the end of a marriage.
Whatever astrological sign you are is really not relevant. You have free will. You can choose to overrule whatever you think you are destined to do. You need to start to think about what the wisest course of action for you is. Realistically, you won't have the dreams you originally had. But you can develop new dreams. I once read a story which I think is relevant here. A woman is expecting a child, but during the course of her pregnancy, she discovers her child has Down Syndrome. Obviously, this means that her original dreams will probably have to change (though she doesn't need to let go of them; I know this because I have a nephew with Down Syndrome.) It is like planning a trip to Italy. You get ready, and you anticipate the things that await you in Italy. But then you learn that you are really going to Holland, and there is nothing you can do to change this. But you let yourself think about this, and you begin to discover that there are many wonderful things about Holland. It is simply different. So you need to let your dreamy imagination (if that is what you have) become free to think of other possibilities, other possible dreams.
I assume the man you are with knows that you are married to someone else. This means some things about him that you need to think about. It means that he doesn't respect your covenant, and is willing to disrupt it. He was willing to take advantage of you sexually because you were lonely and hurting. Whether or not you keep this baby has nothing to do with whether it will change him. Children aren't tools; they are human beings. The fact that he changes only temporarily should be a clue because once a couple is married, the people involved are no longer on their best behavior. So everything he does now will be magnified. It isn't realistic to think that he will stop being abusive, or that the changes for the better will endure. I am quite sure you will not regret breaking up with him. It will be painful, probably for about a year, because you are bound to him by the hormones that are generated when you have sex. You also have feelings for him that are independent of this. Knowing that there is no future with this man, start to work on convincing yourself that the time to end the relationship is now.
Don't spend time fretting over what your kids will think. Kids are adaptable. They already are attached to their dad, but you don't know what they WILL think in the future. If you were to explain to them that you have a baby and you love your baby just like you love them, that you had the option of harming your baby, but you protected him or her instead, if you talk to them in the right way, you can suggest some thoughts that may help. What they decide about it will, of course, be up to them. But in the long run, as long as you can keep lines of communication open, you can influence their thinking by showing them love.
You have still another choice. You can have this baby quietly and give him or her up for adoption. If you are thinking that you would be unable to give up a child you have come to love, then you already realize that your not wanting to have this baby is a temporary state of mind, but you are looking for a permanent solution. Abortion is forever. You may not regret having an abortion at first. Most women don't. And you may regret it immediately as soon as it is too late. But you have indicated it will haunt you, and I think it will. It haunts most women. You have to have a pretty hard heart to go through life without it coming back to haunt you. You don't sound like a woman with a hard heart. You sound like a woman backed into a corner, who is trying to convince herself and do it before she loses her nerve.
I understand that racial tensions are very high in South Africa. This is a problem. However, having raised two biracial children myself, I know the situation is not hopeless. I thought our relatives would reject us when we adopted the first. After all, they live in a part of the country that has much more racial tension than where I lived then and live now. But when he was three weeks old, we went to a wedding, and the relatives were there. Instead of rejecting him and us, they competed with each other to see who would get to hold him. Later on, when one of the cousins got pregnant by a black man, they welcomed her child. I think that welcoming ours was the first step in that direction. Having a racially integrated family is the best method for ending racism in a society. All of that said, I am not trying to minimize the situation there. Clearly, it is a practically untenable one. However, you do have options. You can go to another country where the racial tensions aren't as high. You can stay put and stay strong. You can see if there is a community in SA that will welcome you; I know that there are different racial communities, and there might be one where the two of you will be more accepted. Or you can choose adoption. There are plenty of people who are eager to adopt a biracial child, and through the organization I gave you, you can get help finding one. From the women I have talked to, who have experienced both abortion and adoption, adoption is a much easier choice emotionally, even though it is very difficult.
You have asked me to tell you about a different pill. I am not aware of any pills that would guarantee that you would experience abortion. All pills that might have an effect are poisonous, and in the vast majority of cases, they simply make a woman very sick, without doing anything else. You are basically asking me to prescribe something. I am not a doctor. I am a medical researcher. If I prescribe something, I would be practicing medicine without a license, and I could get into a lot of trouble. You are also asking me to help you hurt yourself. I won't do that. I am not here to help women hurt themselves.
Before you discuss this further with me, you really need to visit the web site I gave you. You don't even know what the possibilities are. You are asking me for help. Use that same desire that caused you to come to me, to ask THEM. You have a right to know what your options are. They can help with the food problem. There should be no shame in seeking help; it is often the case that God wants us to come to a place in our lives where we can put aside our pride and be a human being among loving human beings. We are told that it is more blessed to give than to receive. Give someone the blessing of helping you.
While I will always be here any time you need to talk, I will not help you hurt yourself and your baby. Please keep in mind that your baby is already completely formed. He or she can feel pain. Your baby lacks body chemicals that will damp out the pain, so it would be excruciating to go through an abortion. You would find this out eventually, anyway, so it is better to know it now while you still have choices. Even if you find some way to get rid of this baby, I will still be here. But your baby is a human being made in the image of God, even though he or she is biracial, and God never, ever just lets a baby "happen". God has a plan for this baby's life. You never know if this is the baby who will help bring an end to the racial tension there. You never know what else this baby is destined to accomplish. This baby NEEDS your protection, and you are the only person who can protect him or her. This situation is not your baby's fault; he shouldn't have to pay for your mistake with his life. It sounds like you are trying to convince me that somehow this baby is less precious because of his or her skin color. Please keep in mind that convincing someone else of this, or that your situation cannot be redeemed, doesn't change how you personally feel about it, or how you WILL feel about it. It is a tactic that just doesn't work. You don't really WANT an abortion. You are afraid. Fear and panic are not a state of mind that leads to good decisions. This decision will change your life forever, no matter what you do. It already has. You don't have to rush into anything. You are past the deadline for pills. People will try to convince you that there is some sort of deadline looming in your future. There isn't. Yes, abortion becomes more dangerous later on, but abortion is always dangerous, and can kill you or seriously disable you even now. The odds are already not in your favor. You need to take it easy and give this some real serious thought and prayer. Listen to your heart. Please. I will be praying for you. Please do keep in touch.
