QuestionQUESTION: I'm a single mom of 2 children.Their dad is in their lives. I have been in a relationship for the past 9 months. We spent almost every day together and fell in love. 2 1/2 months later, I found out I was pregnant. He wanted me to keep it but I ended up having an abortion. After that, he started to become violent with me, resenting the fact I didn't keep the pregnancy. He is also very insecure and jealous. We never argue or fight in front of my children. We started going to couple's counseling (we've been twice so far) and he says he wants to change. I want another child before I'm 35 so I only have a couple years left. I work and I'm still pursuing my education. He wants to get married and have a baby. We said we'd marry by the end of the year if we worked out our problems. We've been using birth control. I took a pregnancy test this morning and there is a faint positive line. What should I do? I had an abortion 5.5 months ago. Should I do it again or trust that he will change with the help of counseling? Please help
ANSWER: Hello, Denise,
Abusiveness after abortion is very common. At the same time, you have a right to be free of abuse, and no man has a right to abuse you.
Since you said you want a child, having another abortion should be unthinkable. You have the child you want, provided the pregnancy test is accurate.
Whether or not he changes as a result of counseling is irrelevant. This is your baby, and your baby is depending on you for your protection. When someone we love abuses us, it is very common for us to want to kick the cat. Been there, done that. Didn't actually kick the cat, but I sure wanted to. Your baby isn't to blame for you partner's actions. It would be unjust to force your baby to pay the price.
Before even considering abortion, you should ask yourself another question. What if you suffer significant complications? This is common, and you were lucky the first time. Do you have the money to pay for medical care? What if the abortion kills you? It could. Who would take care of your other two children? They also have a right to know and love their sibling. Kids have a way of sensing it when their mother has an abortion, and it creates insecurity. They may feel survivor guilt. They may be worried that if they don't measure up, you will do away with them, too. Even if they don't explicitly know about the abortion, they will sense that something drastic happened with you. They are already at risk because of your other abortion, and I really encourage you to get some counseling specifically for a woman who has experienced abortion. There are organizations all over the United States that offer this counseling. It will also probably help with your other issues as well. To find an organization near you, please visit:
http://www.optionline.org/
Admittedly working and pursuing your education makes for a very busy life. You might have to slow down a little, or you might not. But continuing to do these things is possible even while being pregnant. You just have to take very good care of yourself.
If you experience morning sickness, sip ginger ale (with real sugar) or ginger tea. Make sure to take your prenatal vitamins. That will help.
One final thing: if you do have an abortion, it will undoubtedly mean the end of your relationship. If you have any hope of marrying this man (provided you sense that he has changed), then you need to refrain from killing his baby. You also need to stop having sex with him, really. You deserve for him to respect your body. Talk to your counselor about this. He put you at risk of getting pregnant when you weren't ready. You bore the risk and consequences of your abortion. It is not reasonable for him to continue to take advantage of you. And in reality, if he is willing to put you at risk, and doesn't respect your body, he may or may not be willing to change otherwise. It would be a good test if you ask him to refrain, and to respect and protect you.
Please give this some thought and let me know what you think. Please, protect your baby and stay safe! I hope things work out for you. Do the right thing, and the chance they will, will increase.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Ok thank you so much for your reply. The pregnancy test was a false alarm. But now I would like your advise on my relationship in general. Like I mentioned before, my bf has been physically abusive with me on several occasions. He is quick to get angry. He is jealous and controlling also. Other than that, he is great. I'm very attracted to him, he's caring, romantic , protective and fun to be around. He is nice to my kids and does things for them. Friends say that he is the poster child for domestic violence and say that I need to leave him. They also think that he might hurt my children. Like I mentioned earlier, he has NEVER disciplined, hit or even yelled at my kids and when we argue or fight, my kids are not with us. We have been going to counseling because we love eachother and I have hopes that he will change. Am I being realistic? Do you think counseling will help him? Us?
AnswerHello, Denise,
I will give you my opinion and my experience for what it's worth.
Expect that if you get married to this man, he will pull the gloves off. He will keep himself under partial control right now, until he has you. But this is true pretty much of every man. And it's true of other relationships as well. Say a couple adopts an older child who has known behavioral problems. There will be something called the "honeymoon period" when the child is on his best behavior. When he starts to trust the new parents, he will then do whatever he can to punch their buttons, and he has spent his time while he was good, learning exactly where the buttons are. I know of one case where a child actually committed arson in his adoptive parents' home. The parents gave up and sent him back where he came from.
I also know a case where a man, who was caring, romantic, and charming (and I met him, and he is all of those things), and he married a woman, and subsequently physically abused her. In fact, he beat her so badly he caused her to have a miscarriage, and he cracked her skull. The result was that the last time I saw her, she could barely walk and was expected to need a wheelchair. Then he began to abuse the older daughter. He actually violated her body. You can't count on someone like that never to go after the children.
This man not only has been using your body for his own pleasure, he has already caused you to have an abortion (even though he tried to stop you). Consider this: he could have told you, if you have an abortion, I want nothing further to do with you. He could have told you, that is my child, too, and you owe our child your protection. Did he do that? Evidently not. Given what a vicious assault on a woman's body an abortion is, and the fact that this was his child, too, and he had a responsibility to protect his child, you already know he won't protect your children in the long run, if you think about it. The fact they're not his children as well will only aggravate that situation. And your first loyalty is to your children. He may never have abused your children, but did you ever hear him tell them they need to obey you? And if your children are never disciplined, they will punch his buttons sooner or later, because children need boundaries. What do you think his response will be? Has he ever shown a rational side to dealing with such things? It doesn't sound like it. (Few women are able to supply all the discipline; most NEED the help of their husbands. And even when the woman CAN supply all the discipline, children need discipline from both parents.) They will do almost anything to get their parents to lay down and enforce boundaries. They know you know the rules of survival, but they don't, and they will feel insecure unless you teach them (and in this case, unless he teaches them as well). And think also of the kind of role model he will be. Think of how it will affect the children if he abuses you in front of them, or even if it's not in front of them but they are aware of it. If you are in the same household, that WILL happen, and no matter how much you try to protect them, they will be aware, and it will warp their personalities. I can guarantee that because I have seen this up close and personal. It can be heartbreaking. If this man abuses the children, they will probably blame you. If he abuses you, they'll probably blame you. It would be justified, because you would be the reason this man is in their lives.
Your friends are right. He's the typical poster child.
He wants to change now because he wants you. Counseling is unlikely to help him unless it has a spiritual dimension. He needs to repent of his past abuse. I mean REALLY repent. Most religions won't even ask him to repent. Most religions are man-made, and so are most counseling paradigms. They don't work.
You love him because when a woman has sex with a man, it releases hormones that cause her to bond with him. You also made a decision to love him. You maintained that decision in spite of the abuse.
I was involved in more than one situation where there was emotional abuse. It takes YEARS to get past that. Even with the grace of God, it can take years.
The best thing you could do for HIS well being is to break up with him. Seriously. He needs to lose something important so he will get a wake-up call.
I also had another experience. I was dating a man, and he decided he was entitled to a kiss because we had dated. I said that my kisses were reserved for the man I would eventually marry. So he slapped me on the rump. I broke up with him immediately, and I didn't look back. Years later, I happened to run into him, and he was wearing a wedding ring. I sincerely hope that what I did turned him around so that he treats his wife right.
Now, you can try an alternative as follows:
You can go to counseling with him for the time being, but I do NOT see a long-term happy relationship for you. Truly, I don't. He has already given you all the warning you need. I wouldn't say anything to him, but if he physically abuses you one more time, you need to call it quits right then and there. But if I were in your shoes, knowing what I do, I'd call it quits now. I'd tell him, I appreciate your sincerity, but we have too much history, and I need to protect my children. He will not even personally know whether he would be able to change, but he will THINK he can change because he wants you, so he will even delude himself. The wisest thing to do is cut him loose so you will be available for a man who will cherish you. And the first thing you should expect is that he will respect your body, and will not ask you to pleasure him until you are actually married. In my opinion, a man who is willing to have sex before marriage has already stepped over the line.
You can have a discussion with him. Ask him if he is willing to respect your body and stop having sex with you. I suspect he will protest, and that will tell you all you need to know; he wants what he wants, and he will whine and cajole if you suggest otherwise. You can remind him that you already underwent a vicious assault on your body because of him. Yes, I know. He didn't want you to have the abortion, but the fact you did has done serious harm to your relationship anyway, as you have observed. He probably doesn't respect you like he once did, and as I have said, abortion destroys most relationships. If he hadn't been using you in the first place, the issue would never have come up. But all of this should make his motivations clear.
But if you do try this alternative, you will have to be super aware of the subtle nuances, and I'm not sure you will be. You are lonely, and that won't help. You want another child and you feel under pressure because of your age. That won't help either.
Breaking up with him will hurt. It will probably take about a year to get past that, but it will be much better after that. But NOT breaking up with him will probably give you far more heartache than breaking up with him now.
I realize this is probably not what you want to hear, but it's how I see it, for what it's worth. I hope it helps.
PS, I'm amending my answer. I just thought of something. If you get some counseling from an organization that works with abortion experienced women, this may be your only other answer. I mentioned the following web site:
http://www.optionline.org/
Go talk to them. See what they think. If you want to continue with counseling, you both need to go there. The other counselors out there rarely know how to handle the aftermath of abortion, and clearly, he is also suffering from your abortion. They WILL bring in the needed spiritual dimension. That's part of what makes them successful.
