Maternity leave was glorious. This was the first time I had ever taken any real time off from work. I spent hours playing with Megan and holding her as she napped. I organized my pantry and closets, and even made meals every night for our tiny family--and I am not a natural cook! It was great for all three of us, and I loved the time. But I loved it as one loves a vacation; it wasn't me.
Even after six weeks, just halfway through maternity leave, I started thinking about work. I started craving business conversations and yearned to get back in the game. That's when I had my first taste of . working mother guiltThe passive-aggressive statements from friends and strangers alike began to surface.
"I hope you're not exhausted all the time." But I had been exhausted before I was ever pregnant. I reasoned that I could get along fine without a great deal of sleep. "I hope you can manage the feedings, the sleepless nights, and all the diaper changes--it will be rough." But they had no idea that I was quite experienced at multi-tasking, I wasn't worried. "But do you think you will be able to give your job the real focus it requires? It was interesting to note that Scott never received any of these questions. I guess everyone assumed I would naturally take on the majority of new parent responsibilities. "And there's no way you could possibly stay home?" people would ask.
It felt that everywhere I turned, people were expressing skepticism or sympathy around the idea of me returning to work. Wanting to return to my job was not even something to be contemplated. The world seemed to be telling me that wishing to work and wanting to continue to develop a career as a working mother was wrong.
Everywhere I went, I was approached by women, by men, by strangers. They asked me, "Who is going to watch your kids when you're working?" "We found a great daycare," I would answer confidently, hoping the conversation was over. They continued, "But how can you leave that little one in the care of someone else?" The questions hurt. They hurt a lot--I loved my child. But I liked working, too. Was this really so strange?
So I did what any self-respecting new mother would do. I lied. Or, as I like to think of it, I began telling small fibs. I explained--again and again--that I had to go back, that our finances required it. I knew this wasn't the truth. We weren't wealthy and would have had to make adjustments, but I could have stayed home if I wanted to. I knew that I was choosing to work.
In those early weeks of Megan's life, I reflected quite a bit on my own mother. I kept thinking of how she would have loved the opportunity to simply stay home and look after Megan. Instead, I was choosing to reject her dream lifestyle and put a stiff suit on every day. I wondered if she would have been envious of my choices, or disappointed in my decisions. It took much internal debate, but my decision to go back to work after having Megan came down to two crucial facts, in this order: 1) I had worked very hard to get my career to where it was. 2) Working made me happy. After ten weeks, I ended my maternity leave and went back--two weeks early.
At the time, I was the only female employee at the company who had ever gone back to work before maternity leave was up. Despite the fact that it was my decision, it was still conflicting. Each night I would sneak into Megan's room. I would peek into her crib and gaze at her tiny face and realize that she had experienced a full day that I wasn't a part of. And my mind would reel. Maybe I am a bad mother because I work. Maybe my mother was right to want to stay home. Maybe I'm being selfish. The cycle of working mother guilt had only just begun.
Samantha Knowles is the author of Working Mom Reviews. Learn techniques of Potty Training In Three Days Potty Training In Three Days To know more about Project GoPro Review, click Project GoPro Review
