How many times have you said, “I didn’t have a choice?” This is
a phrase that is uttered by many to justify their behavior or
complain about their life circumstances. Surely, we can continue
to believe there are no choices, but it is my belief that kind
of thinking is what greatly contributes to our frustration and
limits the strength and amount of personal power we experience.
Whenever you are in a situation where you believe there is “no
choice”, remember that there are always at least three choices.
Every situation has at least these three possible solutions: you
can leave it, change it, or accept it. Each option will look
different in every situation.
Let’s examine the options of a woman in an abusive relationship.
I am concerned that women in abusive relationships have no safe
place to seek help or to talk about their issues. There is an
embarrassment about sharing what is happening in their lives. An
abuser will convince his victim that she is in some way to blame
for his abuse. This, often, will cause a person in an abusive
relationship to suffer in silence. I want to provide a safe
place forum for women needing to share and to learn that they
are not alone.
I, in no way, mean to imply that there are no men living in
abusive relationships. This can create a seriously demoralizing
situation for a man. How does a man explain to his friends that
his wife or girlfriend beats him up or is constantly verbally
and emotionally abusive? I believe there are many more men in
such relationships than we think. Because they carry a special
stigma if they admit what is happening in their lives, most stay
silent. There can also be domestic violence in same sex
relationships. However, for the purpose of this article, I am
writing as if the perpetrator is a male and the victim is a
female.
The first choice in a situation such as this is to attempt to
change the situation. Many women will try to have everything
perfect for their spouse or partner. They walk around on egg
shells, believing that if only they are better, more loving,
more submissive, quieter, more invisible, then their man will
not hurt them. Many women in abusive relationships are willing
to put in a lifetime attempting to change their partner’s
behavior. Of course this is a futile attempt because people do
not change for someone else. They change when their current
behavior stops working for them and sometimes not even then. I
might ask a woman, “How long are you willing to wait for him to
change? You’ve already spent 10 years, are you willing to spend
10 more?” This is a question only the woman can answer because
she may be willing to wait her entire life. It is not for me or
anyone else to decide what is best for another person. After
all, we are not in her skin. We can only presume what we may do
in the same situation but the right answer for us may not be the
right answer for the person going through it.
The second possible outcome is to leave it. In an abusive
relationship, this would mean ending the relationship. Many
women in abusive relationships are afraid to leave because they
believe their partner will hunt them down and possibly kill them
or at least claim their “property” and force the woman to
return. Statistics tell us that more women are killed in abusive
relationships who remain in the relationship than who leave but
tell that to the family of the one woman who left and was killed
by her husband. Statistics don’t do much then. Again, it is easy
for us to decide it would be best for a woman to leave her
current situation but do we really know what’s best for another
person? Do you want to be the one carrying that responsibility?
Leaving is definitely a viable option but it should only be made
by the woman who is in the relationship. There are organizations
set up to help victims of domestic violence escape the violence
of their situation but the laws become very tricky when there
are children and custody situations involved. Some women stay
because they won’t leave their children. Many stay because they
are committed to their wedding vows that said, “In sickness and
in health. Till death do us part.” No one can decide for another
person that she must forsake her vows if keeping them is her
highest value. I might ask a woman if she has considered all of
her options and thought of the consequences of each choice.
Then, I would ask if she believes that leaving is the best
option and is she willing to pay the possible consequences of
that choice. Is paying the possible consequence of leaving
preferable to staying in the current situation? Is the risk
worth it? For some, it definitely is.
The final choice is to accept it. Accepting it is different from
the other two options. In the first two choices, the woman is
changing external circumstances. When she is attempting to
change it, she is trying to change her partner’s behavior. When
she is leaving it, she is changing her circumstances. But
acceptance involves staying in the situation and understanding
and accepting that the other person will not change and finding
a way to be all right with that. The woman in an abusive
situation would decide that she is not going to leave and
realizes that her husband may never change but decides to stay
anyway. This may, for some, actually be their best option.
For those of us who love the woman in this situation, we have
the same three choices to go through. We can leave it—this
would most likely mean ending our relationship with the woman
because we can’t stand to see her in an abusive situation. We
can attempt to change it by trying to convince her to leave the
man. This is what many friends and family do and sometimes the
woman decides to leave you. She may decide she can’t live with
your disapproval, either stated outright or silently. Out of
loyalty to her partner, she may decide it’s not right to listen
to your statements against him anymore. What she needs is your
support, not judgments and coercion to get her to leave someone
she may love. Or the third choice, we can accept it. This means
we come to realize that this woman has her own life decisions to
make and that she will do the best she can with the choices that
are available to her. You will be her friend and support her and
her decisions, realizing that you can’t change her or him, for
that matter.
If you or someone you care about is involved in domestic
violence, please come to www.therelationshipcenter.biz. There
are safe ways there to discuss the situation and some are
f-r-e-e. Email Kim Olver at [email protected], enter
her chat room during scheduled chat times, which are posted on
her events calendar or call her at 708-957-6047.