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It's March 2020, and we are currently experiencing a global crisis. A state of emergency has locked down inhabitants in many parts of the world, and in some cities, residents are being forced to shelter in place. It’s a time of social disruption, uncertainty, and isolation. In times like these, the fabric of intimate relationships is being challenged by simple questions. One of the most relevant: Are touch and proximity essential for love?
Much of the recent media attention related to social distancing has focused on its effect on traditional relationships. “I’m not sure if I should cancel my wedding.” “Should I allow my child to have playdates?” “What rules of intimacy should I apply to new dating partners?” However, one relationship type has escaped the media spotlight: the affair.
Extradyadic sex—or stepping out on a committed partner—is incredibly common. Statistics from the Kinsey Institute suggested that about one-fourth of men (23.2%) and women (19.2%) have cheated on a current partner (Mark, Janssen, Milhausen, 2011). And alternative forms of infidelity, including emotional affairs (wherein people foster emotional or romantic relationships with someone other than their partner), are even more popular. In fact, statistics from Truth About Deception gathered from more than 75,000 people (and counting) show that 91% of women and 78% of men report having had an emotional affair.
But what accounts for these high rates?
In the early '70s, Johnson argued that a key to infidelity was opportunity. In his interviews with 100 couples, Johnson found that in 91% of married couples, either the husband or wife (or both) indicated that when their partner was out of town, they felt positively inclined to interact with someone of the opposite sex.
Obviously, interaction does not equal sex, but Johnson highlighted a concept that has been studied extensively for the last 50 years. Education, sex, money, power—these variables have the potential to increase opportunity. And across studies and decades, opportunity has been associated with sex outside of marriage.
Even microclimates of opportunity, such as the workplace, are ripe for infidelity. In fact, in one study, almost half of those who had cheated had done so with someone with whom they worked (Wiggins and Lederer, 1984).
Opportunity might be at least partly responsible for the high rates of emotional infidelity, too. In our research over the past decade, we have argued that communication with alternative partners is facilitated by increasingly stealth technological devices (Dibble & Drouin, 2014). Encrypted messages, the ability to hide lovers within social media contact lists, and the general covert nature of phone communication make it easy to engage in communication with secret lovers (Dibble, Drouin, Aune, & Boller, 2015; Drouin, Miller, & Dibble, 2014).
That is, it was easy before a global pandemic sent most of the schoolchildren and all but essential workers to be quarantined to their homes, exposing them to potentially heightened scrutiny from committed partners. Meeting when a partner was out of town, meeting in the workplace, meeting online—all easy before couples and families were quarantined together in their homes for much of the foreseeable future.
So what is to happen to all of the covert lovers during this time of crisis? Are affairs doomed to fail?
It’s likely that many paramours will try to stay connected. Despite the obstacles, some people have high levels of sexual excitation and relationship dissatisfaction, two factors that have been linked to sexual infidelity (Mark et al., 2011). These individuals might thrive on quick sexting sessions or titillating conversations—even while quarantined— to maintain their happiness. Others might not need the stimulation, but they will engage simply to sustain the relationship.
Research has shown that even those in committed relationships try really hard to maintain relationships with their extradyadic love interests. They express positivity and care, are open and intimate, and they (especially men) might even assure them that a romantic or sexual future is in sight (Dibble, Punyanunt-Carter, & Drouin, 2018). And although people in committed relationships are less likely to do this than singles, it still happens.
So do these relationships—extradyadic love affairs—need proximity and touch to survive?
Probably not. Thanks to modern technology, many will likely prevail. Some people will work hard to maintain electronic communication with their lovers under duress. Others might hit pause on ongoing trysts, to be resumed post-pandemic.
However, for others, the pressure of maintaining the secret will be too great, and once sex is off the table, the allure of the relationship may simply fade. Relationships built on sex and secrecy are, after all, very tenuous arrangements.
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