QuestionQUESTION: I am not one of those women. I want my baby back. I want to go to my baby. I know my baby is with Christ, but still no comfort. I had a surgical abortion in January 2009. I have been through a post abortion class, Free Me To Live. I named him but still call him my baby. I feel lied to, deceived, betrayed, and rape. This was my first baby. I am 32, never married, and hold a professional degree. None of it matters anymore. Family members I know who have had them did not have the same reaction. They are shocked at how devastated I am.
ANSWER: Hello, Shay,
I am so sorry! To be honest, I don't think many women feel OK afterwards. I think they run away from dealing with it. Perhaps a few are OK with it, but not that many. They are the ones I feel sorry for.
You were lied to, deceived, betrayed and raped. Believe me, I fully understand. I once almost got an abortion, and the nightmares I had afterward were unbelievable, and I didn't even go through it. Just the thought I could have was enough.
Your family members have yet to deal with the whole thing, but give them time. Right now, denial is a defense mechanism. They might not be able to survive it if they become aware before they are ready.
I will always be here any time you want to sound off. Sometimes just knowing there is someone who understands that you can talk to will help.
You spoke of your baby being with Christ. Your baby doesn't want you to crumble into nothing. Someday you will go to be with your baby, and now, God has work for you to do here. Reach out to other people. That will help. Please do keep in touch. You are in my heart, and in my prayers.
Let me tell you a little about the awesome God we have. Perhaps that will help. As you know, Jesus died for us, so your abortion is already paid for. As soon as you ask for forgiveness, He freely gives it. Forgiving yourself is a lot harder, but it is our flesh controlling us. Who is the accuser of the brethren? In other words, who is planting self accusatory thoughts in your head? I will give you two examples. Remember that David coveted Bathsheba, so he sent her husband into battle so he would be killed, and then he took Bathsheba for himself. He suffered earthly consequences, but God said that David was a man after His own heart (He knows we are dust), and forgave him and placed him in the lineage of Jesus. Then there was Saul. Saul went around killing Christians. But God also forgave him, appeared to him personally, and he became the Apostle Paul. And this awesome God we have is willing and ready to heal your heart. When you feel like there is nothing that matters, just ask God to help you have a right heart, to forgive yourself. You won't be able to do it by yourself, but God WILL help you. All you have to do is ask.
Please take care of yourself. There is something you can do with your life that will be worthwhile. Hang on, take one day or even one hour at a time. Eat well, stay away from artificial sweeteners and monosodium glutimate. This will help. If you are still having trouble, you may have a deficiency, and we can talk about that.
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QUESTION: Thank you. This is the worse emotional pain I have ever felt. And when my period starts, it gets worse. I have been heavily burdened this week with thoughts of suicide and homicide. I know, these thoughts are not of God. I am trying to take back my joy of salvation, but my hope is...My EDD was August 13, 2009. All I want is that baby. I pray and try to keep the faith but the grief overwhelms me. I see newborn babies everywhere, soap operas, commercials, the mall. And all I think is that I should be 39 weeks today. I thought I was healing pretty good until the last three days. My maternal and paternal grandmothers lived to be 92 and 98 respectively. I used to pray for that type of longevity. I don't anymore. I had a vision of my grandmother rocking my baby on her knee and lost it. I want him more than anything. More than another baby. I chose selfishly. I am a counselor; I counsel my clients in all aspects of family law and specifically in doing what is in the child's best interest. I thought I needed by boyfriend and that my baby need him. He didn't want him and said he wouldn't be around. I couldn't imagine telling my baby why his father wasn't around being a daddy's girl myself. Nobody said not to do it, not my sister or my cousin whom I confided in. They offered to take me to the clinic. I advised my cousin not to do it and she did it anyway and boldly said I was weak after my own and that she had no regrets and would do it again. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. I had prayed and asked God to soften his heart towards me and the baby. I guess I wasn't patient enough. I was tired, hormonal, and hurting and i just gave in. And nothing has been or will be the same. My relationship with my cousin is non-existent and with my sister is strained. She regrets not encouraging me to keep my baby. I do not want this to be my testimony but I don't want any women to feel this pain. I know I am forgiven. But my heart is broken and it's been almost seven months. While most Americans were celebrating this country's first African-American president, I was weeping and wailing barely able to get out bed. I called my mom and all I could say between sobs was, I killed my baby. She was so understanding, I was amazed by her love, a mother's love. I knew she wanted her grandbaby and I had deprived her of that. My mom shared with me the same passage about David.
I know God has to heal me. This hurt unbearable. I have anxiety. I fear miscarriage, infertility and pre-term labor and cancer. I think I may have an ulcer but I have such a distrust for doctors now.
My question...how do I get pass this grief? It engulfs me. I try to think of things pure and of love and I see Christ with my baby.
AnswerHello, Shay,
I will have to go to bed soon; I had an emergency that took me well into the night. But I read your message, and I wanted you to know you are still in my prayers. The due date is an especially risky time for a lot of women. Try to spend the day with someone you love. Remember that you belong to God, and He will decide when He wants you to come Home.
I think I know pretty much how you feel. I doubt if I'd be able to forgive myself, either. I can only imagine what it must be like, but I have a vivid imagination.
Your hormones change when your period comes, so it's not surprising. Here is a couple of things you can try: phosphatidyl choline, evening primrose oil. Let me know if you decide to try these, and whether or not they help.
You will get past it with God's help. As I said, take one day at a time, one hour at a time. Read the Psalms, and pray a lot. I think it will help. Just keep telling God that you can't forgive yourself, and He will have to help you. Repudiate the devil; he wants you to hurt yourself. Let yourself cry and grieve. Think also if there is a way you can warn other women and spare them the hurt you are experiencing. You may find this web site helpful:
http://www.silentnomoreawareness.org/
I love you. Please take care of yourself.
