We all want to be happy. However, if a woman pushes herself to
emotional and mental exhaustion in order to reach “perfect”
happiness, she could suffer from a condition she probably has
never heard of: Missing Mother Syndrome.
When Megan Meadows (not her real name) came to me, she just
wanted to lose weight. “Look at me!” she shouted, pinching her
thighs. “I am fat! I am ugly! I hate my body!” Well, there was
some middle-age spread, but she certainly was a very nice
looking woman. Where did all this self-hate come from?
I am a Meridian Therapy practitioner who uses EFT, a form of
emotional acupressure, to release negative emotions. Tapping
with the fingertips on certain energy points on the body while
being “tuned in” to the problem, does stop food cravings. EFT is
quite successful when it comes to weight loss. However, I
realized that Megan’s real challenges went far deeper than what
she perceived right now as her “big” problem. She mentioned that
her mom had recently died, and that brought up the sad story of
her childhood. “I didn’t have a mother”, Megan said. “She was
always gone, and when she was there, she tried to create the
little girl of her dreams – she did not want me. I was a very
lonely child.”
The way I saw it, Megan has been suffering all her life from
“Missing Mother Syndrome”.
When Hope Edelman published her book “Motherless Daughters – The
Legacy of Loss” in 1994, everyone who belonged to the secret
sisterhood of women traumatized by early mother loss, had a
revelation: That’s exactly how I feel – and I am not alone!
Growing up without the secure presence of a loving, supportive
mother implies much more than lacking a same-sex role model. It
is devastating. Since the mother is the first, the basic
caretaker, losing her -in a physical or emotional way- starts a
nightmare of deprivation for a child. In a way, it never ends.
Many negative conditions and feelings experienced later in life
may have their roots in this extremely traumatic experience.
You could suffer from “Missing Mother Syndrome” if you
experience the following conditions on a regular basis:
You feel lost, out of place, and unsafe in this world There is
an underlying sadness in your life, even if nothing is wrong You
tend to feel lonely and depressed, especially at other people’s
“Happy Family” gatherings You hate your body or are unsure about
“being a woman” You have abandonment or anger issues that hurt
your relationships You experience social stress – You either try
to stay invisible, or you have a compulsion to be in the
limelight Any major crisis in your life, like a divorce, job
loss, or bereavement, throws you right back into the painful
past There is a lot of fear, anxiety, or even guilt and shame in
your life You feel homesick without knowing where “home” is You
are trying too hard to be happy and “perfect” You take rejection
very personally You believe that everybody else gets their act
together – except for you
With tapping, deep seated negative emotions and painful memories
are brought to the surface and released – fast and with little
additional distress. Gary Craig, the founder of EFT: “EFT has a
high success rate with trauma and abuse issues, especially when
applied to specific events.”
Happiness is not a single, solid “thing” one can chase down
doggedly, obtain and possess. It is rather a fluid quality that
evolves naturally, when the obstructions that keep it from being
are dissolved. Childhood trauma is certainly one of the main
obstructions. Sometimes, a condition that is obvious, is not the
real problem. To recognize that “Missing Mother Syndrome” is the
underlying cause of never feeling “right”, can be the first step
on a woman’s Healing Journey.