11 min read
Friends with benefits. No strings attached. A summer (or fall, or spring, or winter) fling. For ages, casual daters have coined and used labels like these to describe their, well, otherwise unlabeled relationships. But no term has stuck around quite like the infamous situationship.
While some people might fear or bemoan ending up in a situationship, the dynamic itself isn't an inherently bad or unhealthy one. “Situationships can be defined as romantic relationships that lack commitment and the associated norms and expectations,” says Jess Carbino, PhD, a dating and relationship sociologist who has worked with Tinder and Bumble. A situationship can look like many things in practice, but it's often a catch-all word to describe someone who's not quite a first date, friend, or one-time hookup, but not a partner, either. Situationships usually exist before or independently of the DTR (defining the relationship) conversation, and as such, can be a temporary relationship stage, adds Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles.
While this dating dynamic may be fleeting, it does happen frequently. In fact, half of Americans age 18 to 34 have been in a situationship, according to a 2024 YouGov poll. They've become increasingly popular amid the normalcy of online dating, says Christie Tcharkhoutian Kederian, PhD, LMFT, a relationship expert and former celebrity matchmaker at eHarmony. “Dating apps have created this paradox of choice. We have so many options, it’s hard to commit to that person in front of us.”
But while situationships can be cast in a negative light, they can also be fun, sexually satisfying, and even liberating. Ahead, relationship experts explain what it means to be in a situationship and what to do if you find yourself in a relationship that has yet to be defined.
If you and your sorta-S.O. aren’t hitting typical dating milestones (i.e., meeting each other’s friends, celebrating small anniversaries, or doing new activities together), it’s probably time to reality check your relationship—or, erm, lack thereof.
“One of the cardinal signals of a situationship is that the relationship is compartmentalized and the person is not integrated into other social relationships, i.e. friends and family,” says Carbino, adding that the length of the situationship is also key for evaluating whether it has a chance at blossoming into something more. “Longer situationships are often not very promising because it often signifies a lack of desire of at least one party to move the relationship into a different, more committed state,” she says.
Here’s a telling giveaway: If you find out that your significant other is romantically or sexually involved with other people—and you're surprised by this information—you might be in a situationship, says Lurie. “Even within a couple that actively practices ethical non-monogamy, ideally there would be clear and defined boundaries in place so that all parties stay informed and can consent to the boundaries of the relationship,” she adds.
People in serious, committed relationships make plans weeks, months, or sometimes years in advance. But those in situationships may operate on a more hourly and daily timeline. If you're in one, you might often feel like you're playing things by ear, says Abby Medcalf, PhD, a relationship expert, author, and speaker based in Berkeley, California.
In fact, conversations in situationships pretty much only involve the present (“What do you want to watch?” “Pizza or Thai?”). The logic here is pretty simple: If you’re not in it for the long haul, why talk about it? On the same note, you're probably not having conversations about the future and what you want in a relationship. A situationship is basically “just shared activities—hanging out here and there,” which can feel pretty directionless, Medcalf says.
One major appeal of a committed, clearly defined relationship is that you can often count on seeing and talking to your person regularly. Situationships lack that—one of their common themes is a sense of inconsistency, especially around communication, says Evelyn Pechous, AMFT, a staff therapist at The Expansive Group.
For instance, it's likely that “they’re not asking you to hang out three times a week,” Tcharkhoutian says. Or, even if you do see each other on a daily basis one week, you might notice that you don't cross paths at all the next. Similarly, if you were previously texting every single day, and now they only hit you up once a month, that’s a clear sign that they aren't interested in progressing the relationship.
“Work’s really busy.” “I need to hit the gym.” “I’m traveling.” Sound familiar?
When you’re in a relationship, you make time for your partner, no matter what other life events are going on, Tcharkhoutian says. But in a situationship, there’s no urge to problem-solve, since that would require more effort than the other person is probably willing to make, she adds.
Sure, you know where they live and work, and maybe a few general details, like where they grew up or if they’re a cat or dog person. But let’s be real: You’re more comfortable talking dirty than talking about your fears, insecurities, or lessons from past relationships.
“Without trust, there’s no vulnerability, and without vulnerability, there’s no emotional closeness,” Medcalf says. If your conversations are largely surface level, that’s a key sign that you’re likely in a situationship.
The easiest way to know you’re in a situationship: The person tells you that you’re in one. “Believe what they say,” Medcalf says. “[People] are not complicated creatures.” (And, hey, at least they practiced honest communication.)
Of course, actions speak louder than words, so when in doubt, take note of their behavior. “People will show you through their actions what they think of you,” Medcalf says. “If they’re not calling, they’re just not that into you.”
Sure, situationships are expectation-free. (Want to cancel plans? NBD. Don’t feel like bringing soup when they’re sick? No need!) But that doesn’t mean they’re stress-free. “You know you’re in a situationship when you feel anxious because there’s uncertainty, ambiguity, and ambivalence,” Medcalf says.
Keeping a relationship alive means continuously having novel experiences with your partner. In a situationship, however, you probably do the same thing over and over. (Ahem, Netflix and chill—and yes, even that can get old.) “If it’s vague, doesn’t have direction, and doesn’t have any structure, it’s going to be stale, and it’s not going to be fun anymore,” says Tcharkhoutian.
The Pros and Cons of Situationships
If you’re cool with what you have and you want to keep it that way, that’s totally valid! Again, some people enjoy a non-committal, casual relationship because they want to explore their options or aren’t in a place in their life where they can commit to a serious relationship. But, ask yourself: Is this what I really want?
“In some ways, we might be okay with a casual situation, but we might also be thinking, ‘If this is what they need, that’s fine; I can accommodate that,’” Tcharkhoutian says. Make sure you’re not pushing your own needs and wants aside just because you want to satisfy someone else’s or because you think their feelings might change if you follow their lead.
Plus, you want to respect the other person's needs, too. It’s important to have the “What are you looking for?” conversation early on to get a sense of where you’re both at, says Sarah Breen, LCSW, a licensed therapist based in Los Angeles, California. (Not to mention, it’ll save you some heartache if you know you’re both looking for different things.) It’s all about communicating your wants and needs, and speaking up if your feelings change.
“There’s an assumption that you don’t have to talk about the serious things when you’re not in a committed, exclusive relationship,” says Breen. “But for it to be healthy, you [need] to have conversations to make sure you’re on the same page.”
So, if you’re truly down with the situation, set some boundaries. Are you sleeping with or dating other people? Are you going to have weekday overnights? Are hangouts restricted to just the two of you or can you invite each other into your friend groups, too? “Be clear you’re both on the exact same page with the same expectations,” says Medcalf.
Can a situationship turn into a committed, long-lasting relationship? In short, yes—there’s usually a tipping point where one or both parties catch feelings and want more than an ambiguous status, say Breen and Medcalf. After all, there’s an actual physiological reaction that happens when you’re intimate with someone. Your body releases the bonding hormone oxytocin when you have sex, cuddle, or even just hug, and you can’t override it, Medcalf says.
Once emotions build, being in a situationship can hurt. “You start to feel rejected [if] the person doesn’t want you fully,” Medcalf says. So, you'll have to be honest with yourself and the other person—otherwise, you're doing yourself a disservice. Have a discussion with them in a private space, free of distractions, and "go in with a really clear boundary of what you will and won’t accept,” Medcalf says. You call the shots here!
Start the convo by saying you've enjoyed spending time with them, says Tcharkhoutian. Then, tell them what you like or appreciate about them, and finally, ask for their thoughts on where things might go. (If you find it challenging to communicate your needs, working with a therapist could be beneficial, says Pechous.)
If they come up with an excuse for the casual scenario that doesn't involve an end date (i.e., “Work is crazy” instead of, “After my real estate exam, I should be able to commit more”), don’t expect things to change. In that case, you'll want to continue reading...
After a while, your situationship will likely hit its expiration date—and if it's not because you moved the relationship forward, it's probably because you both realized you want different things, or you deem the whole thing unhealthy.
Speaking of, here are some red flags to look out for: They’re not curious about your day-to-day or learning more about who you are, you put in all the work to maintain the connection, they minimize your needs and you don’t feel comfortable asking for what you truly want, they don't follow through, and they're cagey about bringing you around their friends, Pechous says. In any of these cases, do yourself a favor and get out immediately.
To end a situationship that’s no longer serving you, it’s all a matter of having a conversation. Depending on your preference and what feels safe, you might schedule a phone call, meet one-on-one in person, or even send them a text explaining why your 'ship is no longer working for you. The important thing is that you don’t ghost them, affirms Pechous. (No Caspers allowed here!)
When having the conversation, try a “soft start," which is essentially offering some validation or an affirmation before sharing your needs, Pechous says. This might look like saying something along the lines of: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and the time we spent together, but I can tell we want different things, so I don’t think we should continue seeing each other.” It’s important to keep your message neutral and stick to the facts, says Breen.
After all is said and done, take some time for you. You might enjoy a long bath, move your body, and lean on your community, says Pechous. The time right after a breakup is the perfect moment to pour that energy back into yourself and focus on self-care.
By the way, dating is really hard right now, Pechous says. With all the challenges that exist around finding someone who you enjoy being around, makes you feel good, and wants the same things as you, it’s important to have self-compassion. And never, ever settle for less. When it comes to your love life, you’re in control. Remember that.
Meet the Experts: Jess Carbino, PhD, is a dating and relationship sociologist who has worked with Tinder and Bumble. Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles. Christie Tcharkhoutian Kederian, PhD, LMFT, is a relationship expert and former celebrity matchmaker at eHarmony. Abby Medcalf, PhD, is a relationship expert, author, and speaker based in Berkeley, California. Evelyn Pechous, AMFT, is a sex therapist and staff therapist at The Expansive Group. Sarah Breen, LCSW, is a licensed therapist based in Los Angeles, California.
Naydeline Mejia is an assistant editor at Women’s Health, where she covers sex, relationships, and lifestyle for WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She is a proud graduate of Baruch College and has more than two years of experience writing and editing lifestyle content. When she’s not writing, you can find her thrift-shopping, binge-watching whatever reality dating show is trending at the moment, and spending countless hours scrolling through Pinterest.
Addison Aloian is the associate health & fitness editor at Women’s Health, where she writes and edits across the health, weight loss, and fitness verticals. She’s also a certified personal trainer through the National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM). In her free time, you can find her lifting weights at the gym, running on the West Side Highway in New York City—she recently completed her first marathon, the 2025 New York City Marathon—and watching (and critiquing!) the latest movies that have garnered Oscars buzz. In addition to Women's Health, she’s made an appearance on the Oprah Podcast and her work has also appeared in Allure, StyleCaster, L'Officiel USA, V Magazine, VMAN, and more.