Gaslighting is persistent manipulation or brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt their sanity and original sense of perception. It can make an individual confused and lose their identity and self-worth. Such emotional abuse works well on someone who does not trust their judgment. Negative narratives, flattery, reinforcement, or coercion are often used to gain control and wear down the victim.
From family and romantic connections to workplace interactions, gaslighting can manifest in any relationship. In this article, we have discussed gaslighting parents, signs of toxic behaviors, and how to overcome gaslighting from parents. Keep reading for more information.
In This Article
Billy Roberts, a licensed therapist in Columbus, expresses, “A gaslighting parent conditions their child to be obedient by making them question their own reality. They often do this because they are unable to feel vulnerable or take accountability for their actions, a common trait of those with narcissistic personality.”
Billy further adds, “The gaslighting parent could deny events even happened, particularly ones that were hurtful to their children. Also, there is usually a tendency to re-frame a child’s actions as something wrong or bad, particularly in the sense that it blames the child for something that the gaslighting parent is actually to blame.”
Dr. Julia Renedo, licensed clinical psychologist, says, “A parent who gaslights typically exhibits other characteristics of either narcissism or borderline personality disorder. Children with parents who gaslight them will commonly internalize the confusion and emotional pain which they will eventually experience as deep personal shame, insecurity and suffer from very low self-esteem.”
Moreover, gaslighting makes children feel they lack something and question their sanity. It might leave major scars like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. When someone grows up with everything they say questioned, dismissed as inappropriate, or criticized as wrong, they begin to doubt their worth. Kids who are gaslighted grow into insecure adults, ill-equipped to navigate adult relationships.
“That never happened…”
“What if I am remembering it wrong?”
“Maybe I am crazy!”
Have these thoughts crossed your mind after a heated discussion with your parents? If yes, unfortunately, you likely have abusive parents and are experiencing gaslighting. Check out our next section for clear signs of gaslighting parents and their unhealthy traits.
1. Lie, Deny, Or Question Your Memories
If your parents deny, lie, or question your memories or subjective experience, you are being gaslighted. You constantly feel that you have to defend reality, and your trust in your self-intuition erodes. Also, you may feel confused about whether you are on good terms to reassure yourself.
Your parents may blatantly tell you that they did not do or say anything. For instance, they may question the child’s reality or create doubt that they can see things clearly or understand the world around them. You will often find your parents uttering, “I never said that, you must’ve imagined it.”, “That never happened.”, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, and I’m not angry.”
If your parents said or did things that they later denied or lied about, it is a sign of gaslighting. This leads to questioning your perception and memory of what actually happened. Also, it keeps you feeling off-balance and confused. Therefore, planting doubt is detrimental to a child’s self-confidence and can create insecure kids.
Subscribe2. Minimize Or Invalidate Your Feelings
Gaslighting parents tend to make their child feel worse about the difficult situation – be it a mistake, failure, or daily stress. Instead of being emotionally supportive, they dismiss, reject, and invalidate their child’s feelings. This behavior clearly indicates gaslighting.
If parents trivialize their child’s feelings, it implies their lived experience is insignificant or unacceptable. This can confuse the child, generate self-doubt, and feel they are going crazy. Denial of feelings means your parents want to reinforce that you are wrong, overreacting, or lying. It is a manipulative tactic to turn things in their favor and blame the victim.
3. Downplay Your Success And Achievements
Parents that gaslight tend to actively undermine their child’s success and accomplishments. If your parent is never satisfied with your academic grades, career choices, and professional achievements, they are deliberately pushing you away and trying to gaslight you. As a result, you might feel down, unfulfilled, and frustrated. Without cheers and appreciation from parents for their efforts, a child may feel emotionally drained by getting nothing in return.
On the flip side, your parents might react dramatically to control you and make you change your mind. They will diminish achievements that signify your independence, threaten never to speak to you, or throw your belongings out.
4. Shift Blames And Make False Accusations
If you confront your gaslighting parents about their toxic behavior, they will make false accusations and hold you responsible for things you do not know about. They seldom take accountability for their actions and decisions, and try to shift the blame upon children.
Toxic parents reject their role in the troubles and want to turn things around on the child, making them believe they are on the wrong ones screwing up the situation. Eventually, the child internalizes these accusations and fosters negative beliefs about themselves.
5. Always Play the Victim Card
Gaslighting in parents prevents them from seeing their part in life problems. Instead, they believe their children happen to be the cause of their troubles and tend to wreak havoc in their lives. Playing the victim card is a common trait among parents who are covert narcissists, psychopaths, and gaslighters.
Abusive and toxic parents chronically feel like a victim without an apt agency to come out of this bitterness. They are unwilling to break old patterns and use gaslighting to cover their insecurities. For instance, gaslighting parents may blame their kids for increasing stress levels, project their personal issues, and scold them for how they feel.
Gaslighting is an emotionally abusive tactic that makes the victim question their sanity and perception of reality. Here are some life-saving strategies you can adopt to survive your parent’s gaslighting. Scroll down!
Valentina Dragomir, a psychotherapist, and life coach, lists a couple of healthy things to deal with a gaslighting parent. Let’s look at what they are:
Toxic or abusive parents may intentionally manipulate you and grab you under their control. They often resort to gaslighting to maintain power over their children. However, do not let your parents’ gaslighting keep you from realizing your full potential. It is important to preserve your emotional energy and distance yourself accordingly. So, identify your needs and step away from gaslighting in parent-child relationships.
Although gaslighting by a parent can isolate you, you do not have to handle it alone. Instead, seek help from therapists, counselors, and close friends and family members to get through the crisis. Make sure to set healthy boundaries and practice self-care not to overwhelm yourself or feel anxious.