How many times have you heard someone say it was when they
weren’t looking for love that they found it? Often they’ll say,
“I had just accepted the possibility that I may not find someone
and realized that I’d be ok.” Or, “It’s ok if I’m single for the
rest of my life.”
It’s a paradox. We’re taught to focus on what we want and to
take action until we reach our target. Yet if we focus or hold
on too tight to the target, it eludes our grasp and gets further
and further away.
What’s a single gal or guy to do?
I needed an answer so I called relationship coach Karen Jones. I
figured if anyone knew the answer she would.
Karen has been working with and listening to hundreds of single
and married women for eight years through her ‘Heart Matters’
(www.heartmatter.net) coaching company. When I asked her for an
explanation of this paradox she explained it like this:
“Think of it in terms of energy. There is a flow to it; the more
attached you are to an outcome, the more you squeeze the flow,
and you either slow it down, divert it, or simply shut if off. I
like to use the imagery of being in the shower, and grabbing a
bar of soap. If you squeeze too hard the soap jumps out of your
hand. It’s like that with relationships. If you squeeze too hard
around relationship energy it becomes too hard to hold. Loosen
your grip, and the soap (relationship) is there.”
She then went on to explain the solution.
“You have to decide you’re just going to be happy in life, no
matter what. Make your life work now. Do what you love to do,
and spend time in ways that fulfill you. One indirect benefit of
that decision (and way of being), is this: that energy is very
attractive. You’re doing things that interest you, which will
create opportunities for you to meet people that you enjoy; men
as well as women who’d be good to spend time with.
Just to clarify. This doesn’t mean you give up on your vision of
having a happy, successful marriage. You need to keep that dream
alive in your heart. It does mean you let go of the specific
details you have pictured in your mind about your dream. For
example: your husband will be 6’2″ tall and have blue eyes and
blond hair, you’ll have 2 kids – a twin boy and girl, and your
house will be in this city on this street etc. Trust that your
vision will unfold and that it may look very different from your
picture. In fact, it’s often better than what you could have
possibly imagined.”
It’s like this invisible fine-line exists. While you need to
clearly see and know what you want and take action to make your
intention a reality, at the same time you have to be ok if you
don’t get it. Expect to get it yet don’t be attached to getting
the outcome. If you find yourself holding on too tight, just let
go and enjoy life. Love may find you.