Hey there, Dorothy — are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch? Is
your friend acting like a bitch? Answer these five questions
from Samantha’s Twisted Book of Shadows and find out which witch
is which? 1. These days I ride: a) side-saddle b) a broom c) a
vibrator d) a vacuum cleaner e) the bus home alone 2. My
familiar is: a) a dog named Toto b) a flying monkey I conjured
up the other day in my cauldron c) Sailor Moon d) several black
cats e) a gay friend 3. My idea of a good time is: a) baking
cupcakes for the poor b) stealing food and reselling it outside
the food bank c) dressing up like Vampira and going to fetish
night d) doing impressions of Margaret Hamilton to amuse my
friends e) being alone so nobody hurts my feelings.
4. My favorite television witch is: a) Martha Stewart b) Endora
from Bewitched c) Sabrina the Teenage Witch d) Heather Locklear
e) Kathie Lee Gifford. 5. My favorite witch movie is: a)
Practical Magic b) The Craft c) Rosemary’s Baby d) Mommie
Dearest e) The Wizard of Oz.
Now analyze your answers below to find out what kind of witch
you are!! A) GLINDA THE GOOD WITCH If your answers were all “a”,
you are a modern Glinda the Good Witch. You visualize all your
troubles surrounded in a bubble and floating away from you, and
it works. Congratulations. 1. You’re probably a real tree-hugger
and into horses and nature and all that. 2. You’re just like
Dorothy, who, if you’ll recall, was Glinda the Good Witch’s
protégée in The Wizard of Oz. 3. You know that all the goodness
that you do comes back to you three by three by three. 4. You
love the way Martha Stewart says, “It’s a good thing” at the end
of every segment. 5. You love the idea of a bunch of modern
witches mixing up potions from their kitchen cupboards, wearing
headscarves and dancing to music by Stevie Nicks. B) A WICKED
WITCH If your answers were all “b”, you are just plain eeevil.
1. If you get on a broom and your feet actually lift off the
ground, that is truly creepy. 2. A monkey with wings is a dead
giveaway. 3. To steal from the poor is pretty unspeakably evil.
4. Endora’s a wicked old crone just like you — only a little
prettier. 5. You kind of like that Fairuza kid… you wish you
had a daughter just like her. C) YOU’RE A WITCH WANNABE If your
answers are all “c”, you’re just a wannabe. You’ve bought one of
those do-it-yourself witchcraft books at the local new-age
store, and even though you’ve been following the recipes, havoc
is still being wreaked in your life. Do you think that if a
spell actually worked, a real witch would really give her
secrets of success away in a book that could be had for 10
bucks? Think about it. 1. If all those love spells you do
actually worked, you wouldn’t need to be using a vibrator. 2.
Dressing like Sailor Moon won’t give you supernatural powers. 3.
Dressing in a way that appeals to men empowers men, not you…
think again. 4. Statistics in The Toronto Sun recently cited
that witchcraft is the No. 1 interest of teenage girls, so if
you’re a wannabe, chances are that this is your favorite show.
5. So far you’ve been practicing witchcraft all by yourself.
Wouldn’t it be nice to belong to a real coven like Rosemary’s
friends? D) SURPRISE… YOU’RE NOT A WITCH BUT A GAY MAN! If
your answers are all “d”, you’re gay! I know it’s confusing, but
it’s true. Gay males love a good wicked female archetype more
than life itself. 1. You like to clean; that means you’re gay!
2. Cats are considered to be “gay children”. 3. You also like to
do the occasional impression of Joan Crawford. 4. She’s a
Goddess in the Office! You wanna be Evil Scheming Manipulative
Heather Locklear! 5. You love the scene where Joan beats little
Christina with the hanger. E) YOU’RE A WITCH’S VICTIM If your
answers are all “e”, the only kind of spell you know is a
fainting spell. You’re more the kind of person prone to be the
victim of witches because you refuse to acknowledge that magic
exists. You wouldn’t know what an athame was if you were lying
on a slab and it was plunged into your heart (not that there’s
anything wrong with that). 1. Witches have cast spells so they
get all the men and all the rides home. 2. All the straight
males have been bewitched by real witches, so you’re stuck with
this gay friend. 3. You are the victim of the many psychic
attacks practiced by amateur witchlets out there. 4. You don’t
really like Kathie Lee Gifford but for some reason every time
she’s on the TV you just can’t stop watching her… it’s like
you’re under her spell or something. 6. The Wizard of Oz is the
only movie you’ve seen with a real witch in it. * Editorial
Note: This is our beloved Samantha exercising her funny bone;
athames are never meant to touch blood and are not used in any
form of sacrifice. No Victims were harmed or sacrificed in the
writing of this article. J (David)