Most of you who read my columns know that I love women.
Absolutely love them. To me, women are God’s finest creation,
and then some. The most pleasurable and meaningful things I’ve
ever done in my life involve women, and I’m more than proud to
admit it. But, even with all the things they have going for
them, even with all of their plusses, women do manage to do one
thing that drives me absolutely crazy. And then some.
To illustrate what I‘m talking about, imagine a man and a woman
at a nice restaurant. They’re checking out the menu, and are
about to order dinner. The waiter comes up to take their order,
and proceeds to take the lady’s first. After taking it, he asks
the man what he would like to order. And from here the
conversation goes something like this…
Man: “Waiter, I’ll take the grilled scallops with just a touch
of lemon juice on them.”
Waiter: “Yes sir, an excellent choice.”
Woman (to the man): “Gosh honey, I almost ordered that myself.
It sure does look good, and I just couldn’t decide between the
scallops and the Italian chicken. No mind then, I may just eat
one or two of yours. You won‘t mind, will you?”
ZING! It never fails – I hate it when women do that! You’d never
see a guy order something, look over at another guy who’s
ordered something different, and say, “Gosh Ben, you ordered
something pretty tasty there. Mind if I try some of it when they
bring it out?” If you did happen to hear a guy say something
like that, he’d probably also be discussing interior decorating,
window treatments, or worse yet, why Clint Eastwood movies are
too violent. Not exactly a man’s man, for sure.
On the other hand, women are deathly serious when they tell you
they want to eat something off your plate. They fully intend,
when the food’s brought out, to eat whatever they desire. And
this drives me crazy for the following two reasons:
1. There’s just something inherently unsanitary about something
jabbing a fork they’re been eating off of into your food. I
mean, just think about it, it can‘t be a good thing. I can
almost visualize hordes of germs pole vaulting off that tainted
fork right down into my food. Then, I can see them running
around all over my steak, planting little germ country victory
flags on it that say, “Conquered, in the name of Germobia.”
Finally, I can almost hear the germs laughing as they jump up on
my fork, saying, “Well boys, let’s deal a little dysentery to
our good friend Ed here!”
2. If a woman wants your food badly enough to eat some off your
plate, why doesn’t she just order the item in the first place?
That’s never made sense to me – I’ve even asked a couple of
ladies in the past why they didn’t just do that, and I was told,
“I only want a little, and you should be glad that I want to be
close enough to you that I even want to share the food you eat.”
Well, that sounds romantic and all, but here’s how it really
works out. If a lady takes something from your plate, eats it,
and likes it, she’s gonna knock a major hole in your helping. A
major hole. The worst thing is, the more she eats, the more
she’ll protest that she just wants a bite or two. Famous last
words. You’ll end up with a plate with not much food on it, and
she‘ll be so full that she falls asleep on you during the trip
back home. On the other hand, if she takes something from your
plate and doesn’t like it, she still leaves behind a small hole
in your plate. Then, you have to deal with the fact that your
food is cold from all the conversation that has occurred up to
this point. Either way, you’re out of food, money, and are still
hungry afterwards.
So ladies, I love ya’ll, but please stay the hell away from my
plate. We guys need a few things that we can enjoy alone – stuff
like going to the bathroom, ultimate fighting on TV, and the
food on our plates. If you ladies will promise not to interfere
with these three things, then we’ll gladly promise to stay the
meek, hen-pecked, whupped types that ya’ll have come to know and
love…