Moreover, the narcissist is a man for all seasons, forever
adaptable, constantly imitating and emulating, a human sponge, a
perfect mirror, a chameleon, a non-entity that is, at the same
time, all entities combined. The narcissist is best described by
Heidegger’s phrase: “Being and Nothingness”. Into this
reflective vacuum, this sucking black hole, the narcissist
attracts the Sources of his Narcissistic Supply.
To an observer, the narcissist appears to be fractured or
discontinuous.
Pathological narcissism has been compared to the Dissociative
Identity Disorder (formerly the Multiple Personality Disorder).
By definition, the narcissist has at least two selves, the True
and False ones. His personality is very primitive and
disorganised. Living with a narcissist is a nauseating
experience not only because of what he is – but because of what
he is NOT. He is not a fully formed human – but a dizzyingly
kaleidoscopic gallery of ephemeral images, which melt into each
other seamlessly. It is incredibly disorienting.
It is also exceedingly problematic. Promises made by the
narcissist are easily disowned by him. His plans are transient.
His emotional ties – a simulacrum. Most narcissists have one
island of stability in their life (spouse, family, their career,
a hobby, their religion, country, or idol) – pounded by the
turbulent currents of a dishevelled existence.
The narcissist does not keep agreements, does not adhere to laws
or social norms, and regards consistency and predictability as
demeaning traits.
Thus, to invest in a narcissist is a purposeless, futile and
meaningless activity. To the narcissist, every day is a new
beginning, a hunt, a new cycle of idealisation or devaluation, a
newly invented self. There is no accumulation of credits or
goodwill because the narcissist has no past and no future. He
occupies an eternal and timeless present. He is a fossil caught
in the frozen ashes of a volcanic childhood.
TIP
Refuse to accept such behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable
and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your
boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.
Disproportional Reactions
One of the favourite tools of manipulation in the narcissist’s
arsenal is the disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts
with supreme rage to the slightest slight. He punishes severely
for what he perceives to be an offence against him, no matter
how minor. He throws a temper tantrum over any discord or
disagreement, however gently and considerately expressed. Or he
may act attentive, charming and seductive (even over-sexed, if
need be). This ever-shifting emotional landscape (“affective
dunes”) coupled with an inordinately harsh and arbitrarily
applied “penal code” are both promulgated by the narcissist.
Neediness and dependence on the source of all justice meted – on
the narcissist – are thus guaranteed.
TIP
Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore
unjust and capricious behaviour.
If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind.
Let him taste some of his own medicine.
Dehumanization and Objectification
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic
good-heartedness of others. By dehumanising and objectifying
people – the narcissist attacks the very foundations of the
social treaty. This is the “alien” aspect of narcissists – they
may be excellent imitations of fully formed adults but they are
emotionally non-existent, or, at best, immature.
This is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people
recoil in terror. It is then, with their defences absolutely
down, that they are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the
narcissist’s control. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual
abuse are all forms of dehumanisation and objectification.
TIP
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not
negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to
blackmail.
If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement
officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser’s weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to
the first transgression.
Abuse of Information
>From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the
narcissist is on the prowl. He collects information with the
intention of applying it later to extract Narcissistic Supply.
The more he knows about his potential Source of Supply – the
better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or
convert it “to the cause”. The narcissist does not hesitate to
abuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate
nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a
powerful tool in his armoury.
TIP
Be guarded. Don’t be too forthcoming in a first or casual
meeting. Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don’t misrepresent your wishes, boundaries,
preferences, priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be
firm and resolute.
Impossible Situations
The narcissist engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable,
unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is
sorely and indispensably needed. The narcissist, his knowledge,
his skills or his traits become the only ones applicable, or the
most useful to coping with these artificial predicaments. It is
a form of control by proxy.
TIP
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and
suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts
and appraised of your situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible.
Better safe than sorry.
Control by Proxy
If all else fails, the narcissist recruits friends, colleagues,
mates, family members, the authorities, institutions,
neighbours, or the media – in short, third parties – to do his
bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer,
retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise
manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments
exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the
same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props
unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in
which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully
crafted scenarios involve embarrassment and humiliation as well
as social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical
punishment). Society, or a social group become the instruments
of the narcissist.
TIP
Often the abuser’s proxies are unaware of their role. Expose
him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused,
misused, and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others.
Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.
Ambient Abuse
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of
fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and
irritation. There are no acts of traceable or provable explicit
abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the
irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a
premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called “gaslighting”.
In the long-term, such an environment erodes one’s sense of
self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly.
Often, the victims go a paranoid or schizoid and thus are
exposed even more to criticism and judgement. The roles are thus
reversed: the victim is considered mentally disordered and the
narcissist – the suffering soul or the victim.
TIP
Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops into overt and
violent abuse.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation – but you owe yourself a
life. Bail out of the relationship.
The Malignant Optimism of the Abused
I often come across sad examples of the powers of self-delusion
that the narcissist provokes in his victims. It is what I call
“malignant optimism”. People refuse to believe that some
questions are unsolvable, some diseases incurable, some
disasters inevitable. They see a sign of hope in every
fluctuation. They read meaning and patterns into every random
occurrence, utterance, or slip. They are deceived by their own
pressing need to believe in the ultimate victory of good over
evil, health over sickness, order over disorder. Life appears
otherwise so meaningless, so unjust and so arbitrary…
So, they impose upon it a design, progress, aims, and paths.
This is magical thinking.
“If only he tried hard enough”, “If he only really wanted to
heal”, “If only we found the right therapy”, “If only his
defences were down”, “There MUST be something good and worthy
under the hideous facade”, “NO ONE can be that evil and
destructive”, “He must have meant it differently”, “God, or a
higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the
answer to our prayers”, “He is not responsible for what he is -
his narcissism is the product of a difficult childhood, of
abuse, and of his monstrous parents.”
The Pollyanna defences of the abused are aimed against the
emerging and horrible understanding that humans are mere specks
of dust in a totally indifferent universe, the playthings of
evil and sadistic forces, of which the narcissist is one – and
that finally their pain means nothing to anyone but themselves.
Nothing whatsoever. It has all been in vain.
The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised
contempt. To him, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a
gaping vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for
order, good, and meaning – as he uses and abuses all other human
needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism –
these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at
work to provide it with its arsenal.