Having a crush on someone is both an enjoyable experience and a demoralising experience.
One the one hand, you enjoy their good looks and charm. On the other, you know all it will ever be is just a crush.
That’s if we look at the word “crush” in its real definition.
(It’s not a feeling that’s returned by the person you’re crushing on, usually. Crushes are mostly unilateral).
They’re also usually a projection or a fantasy of what you think someone is.
Due to the unrequited attraction, having a crush can be painful- but it’s also a wake up call.
Why a wake up call? Well, let’s take a good look at why now, as well as how to get over a crush in 11 guaranteed ways.
To answer why having a crush on someone is a wake up call, we have to define what the word crush means.
The Cambridge Dictionary defines having a crush on someone as:
“A strong but temporary feeling of liking someone.”
And google defines it as:
“A brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable.“
Both of these definitions point to the reality that a crush is not love, it’s merely infatuation. It’s idealising someone.
And idealising someone is problematic, because every single human being is, well, – a human being.
No matter how hot someone is, they have drawbacks. They have habits that you may not enjoy.
They may even turn out to have character traits that you will despise if you actually get to know them.
So why is having a crush on someone a wake up call?
Because it’s a chance for you to learn a valuable lesson. The lesson is that there’s a good chance your crush is based on your own idea of who someone is.
Crushes are not based on who someone really is. They’re based on what that person represents to you, and the external image that that person shows to the world.
See, often you don’t really know your crush.
You may not even trust them.
You haven’t really invested in them (and neither have they invested in you).
Unless you’re already friends and you’re actually in love with them, they’re just someone who seems high value and/or genetically gifted.
Basically, crushes aren’t based on real life. They’re based on fantasy stories you enjoy making up in your mind.
Real love and real life is a lot more raw, real, and soul-opening than your infatuation can convince you to believe.
And just to be clear, we should also define infatuation.
“Infatuation is an intense but short lived passion or admiration for someone.”
Hence, an infatuation for someone holds no more value for you (or them) than a crush does. It’s all just fantasy and projection.
Projection of our own wants and needs (from that person).
This doesn’t make your crush any less real.
This doesn’t make your desire for them any less intense.
It just means it will pass.
But before we dismiss your crush entirely, let’s focus on the real reasons you have a crush (which is not really discussed by people anywhere.)
We are doing this because understanding the reason why you have a crush on someone is key for how to get over a crush.
Which one of these 8 feminine archetypes are you? Answer these 21 questions to discover which feminine archetype you are and how it positively and negatively affects every relationship you have. (Especially your intimate relationship with men.)
1. In social situations, I am...
The peacemaker who ensures everyone feels included.
The dominant personality who likes to lead.
The enigmatic figure who draws others in with mystery.
The observer who watches from the sidelines.
2. When I’m faced with something unknown, I trust
My gut feelings more than my thoughts
My thoughts more than my gut feelings
3. When I have to make a tough decision…
My brain always knows the better answer
My gut always tells me what to do
I will get all the facts and data and make a decision
Give it some time and the answer will come to me
4. I would prefer...
Pleasure of the mind
Pleasure of the soul
5. On a rainy day, I prefer…
The safety and warmth of my home
The excitement of a new exotic location
6. Regarding sex...
I prefer he initiated sex with me
I’m more than comfortable taking what I want from him in the bedroom
7. It’s more important to…
Pursue my own dreams and goals
Live cohesively in my tribe
8. In my old age, it’s more important to look back and know that
You’ve connected with others and created strong bonds
You’ve achieved all your dreams
You had truly cared about those around you
You ticked everything off of your bucket list
9. I believe in premonitions
True
False
I’m willing to entertain the idea
It’s a load of nonsense
10. In my current or previous relationship…
I enjoy how a man is so different to me
I get annoyed that a man is so different to me
We are so different I often thought I’d be better off alone
His differences make me appreciate and love him more
11. In terms of dancing…
I love to dance and move my body
I find it a chore
12. Confrontations are...
To be avoided if possible
Can often work in my favour
13. I would prefer to be more...
Liked by others
Envied by others
14. When I meet someone for the first time, I get a gut feeling whether I can trust them or not.
Very true
It usually takes me a while to figure this out
15. The thought of newborn babies make me feel…
Very emotional and tender
Terrified
Happy and calm
I’m relatively indifferent to newborn babies
16. I can often feel other people’s intentions from a mile away
17. When someone hurts themselves...
I rush to see if they need help
I’d rather see them help themselves
18. True or false... A man and a woman should get along if they love each other.
True
False
I don't know...
19. How important are other people’s feelings?
Super important to me.
Little importance to me.
Other people’s feelings are none of my business.
20. Which is more true?
Conflicts serve a good purpose in my relationship
Conflicts are to be avoided in my relationship
Conflict will cause my relationship to die
With the right man, conflicts only strengthen our relationship
21. When a friend is upset, my first instinct is to:
Run away, I’ve been used by enough friends
Give them some space until they're ready to talk.
Suggest practical solutions to their problems.
Give them a hug and listen to them
We are analysing your feminine archetype right now and preparing your personalised summary.
Here’s something interesting to know before moving forward…
Every single one of these archetypes has strengths and weaknesses. No matter how ego stroking it may be to identify with your archetype, know that it’s just a starting point.
It is your job to be aware of the strengths and weaknesses so that you can grow, evolve and become who you are meant to become.
Ultimately you want to become a full multi-dimensional human being. In order to truly become a high value individual, you want to tap into the value that every part of you has to bring to the table.
This feminine archetype quiz is one step along this journey to help you discover who you are, and who you will become.
So here is the next step.
Please enter your first name and email below so that we can safely deliver your feminine archetype results and send to you the extended explanation. (As well as give you $3,765 worth of coaching bonuses!)
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There are positive and negative reasons why you start to get a crush on someone:
As you can see, there are a few reasons why you would get a crush.
Having a crush is normal, but it’s also true that if you leave it unchecked, it may take a lot of extra work to come back down to earth and connect with reality.
So the first step in getting over a crush is to figure out the reason for your crush. have a look at my list of reasons why you’re crushing on someone and see which one(s) apply to you.
You will have more clarity and direction from there.
At the end of the day, your crush is just another human being. They may represent something special to you, but you’re still left here with unrequited feelings for them.
Not only is that stripping away your energy, it could also be affecting your chances of falling in love and having a healthy relationship with someone just as high value as your crush.
Now we’ll talk about ways to get over a crush.
Since I write mainly to women, I’ll concentrate on how to stop crushing on a guy, but these steps aren’t really gender/sex dependent.
You can use them to get over your crush regardless of whether they are a she or a he.
Similar to working out the core reason as to why you’re crushing on this particular guy, you should think about how your crush started.
Consider whether you developed a crush on this person simply because they gave you some attention, for example.
This would be a typical example of the really unhealthy crush you don’t want to let consume you.
Did you begin to crush on this guy because you saw that other women liked him?
Did your crush develop because he or she is a celebrity and they just have a really good image consultant, stylist, or have been in some films where the character was loveable?
If so, remember they’re still a person beyond what their image conveys.
Another thing to consider is: did you start crushing on them because they were playing with your feelings and looking to “play” you?
This is more common than you think.
Often, for the sake of some perceived control and to receive attention from you themselves, they will give you lots of attention to reel you in.
Then they’ll act hot and cold to keep you hooked!
Love, desire and infatuation can lead us to do crazy things.
And being obsessed with someone we don’t truly know is one of those things.
We can get so lost in it that we lose the ability to reason, be objective and come back down to earth.
That’s ok. I mean it’s not wrong to do this, but it’s not based in reality.
Your crush is never just who you have made up that they are.
They are arguably high value (since people don’t tend to crush on people who present with primarily low value traits), but it’s not what you think it is!
Remind yourself of that.
Come back down to earth.
By the way, There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report.
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
Your crush represents the idea of romantic love.
Your biology comes with the hardware needed to drive you to pair bond with someone and fall in love.
A crush is one of the ways you practise those feelings and try to bring that love into your life.
Appreciate that your genetics are working in favour of your reproductive success.
I know this de-romanticizes your feelings for your crush, but that’s precisely the point.
At the end of the day, you’re not together with your crush. They have their own life, so it’s just as well that you have the ability to simply appreciate what your crush represents.
Since your desire as a human is to pair bond with a high value mate, why don’t you shift your focus towards the skills of building attraction in order to connect with someone who is right for you?
When you have the skills of building emotional attraction, you’ll be more likely to snag that person of your dreams, because you are able to trigger emotional attraction on a whim!
But how do you do this?
You bring playfulness and spontaneity to the table.
One specific strategy that helps you accomplish that is using high value banter.
High value banter is a playful way of communicating that will let you trigger attraction in men.
Now, high value banter isn’t for the faint-of-heart.
It requires you to be willing to throw a spanner in the works in the name of playfulness (to build attraction and connection).
Here’s an example of a banter line:
You: “Hey, do you know what I love about you?”
Him: What?
You: “Absolutely nothing! [insert wink here].”
For more examples you can copy and paste today as well as a whole free class on banter, CLICK here.
Similar to appreciating what your crush represents, appreciate that you have this mechanism.
Acknowledge that it’s propelling you towards real feelings of romantic love (unless it’s a toxic type of crush. In that case you have a little more work to do to get over your crush).
But it is here to serve you, you just have to not get too carried away with it and waste your energy on the wrong person.
Can you imagine your crush being a wife beater?
Can you imagine them gaslighting you, blaming you for things that aren’t your fault, or criticizing you?
We’re not trying to fake your path to getting over a crush, here. Of course, your crush could be a genuinely good person.
What we’re trying to do is help you see that no matter how much he makes you swoon, things are different when you get close to someone.
There’s always something unexpected about them. Like perhaps the fact that they like to pick their nose and eat it, for example (lol).
So this is a way of reminding you of that reality.
I don’t want you to just assume they’re toxic, of course. Not at all.
But remember that what you see of them from your current perspective is not what you’ll see if you ever were to end up in a relationship with them!
Fact: 54% of all women have insecure attachment styles and it affects their relationships daily. Answer the next 10 questions to discover what your attachment style is.
1. When it comes to relating to people in general…
I believe people are generally dependable and kind
I get attached to people easily and they often let me down
I don’t believe I can truly trust anyone
People will always come and go
2. To me, the word intimacy intuitively feels
3. In my relationship, I tend to constantly…
Worry that my partner will stop loving me one day
Feel repelled when my partner gets too intimate and close to me
Want to learn more about my partner without fear of judgment
Find faults in my partner
4. In my partner’s absence, I…
Look forward to seeing him again
Feel anxious and don’t know what to do
Feel incomplete
Feel free
5. In my most ideal relationship… (choose the one you feel strongest about.)
We would have our own lives & wouldn’t have to depend on each other
I would receive constant love and attention
We would be deeply connected above all else
To feel safe, I would want to have more control in the relationship
6. If a man that I was interested in started to banter with me…
I’d effortlessly banter back
I’d freeze and not know what to say
I’d redirect the conversation because banter is childish
7. If I suspect that my partner has been cheating on me…
I would rather not know about it
I’d ask them about it until they confess
I’d investigate it & find out as much as I can without coming to conclusions
I’d instantly get stressed out of my mind and become angry
8. When it comes to sex… I’d rather have
Casual sex with uncommitted partners
Intimate sex with a committed partner
I’d rather avoid sex.
9. If I share my deepest feelings and thoughts
Perhaps no one would care
Perhaps people may no longer love me
Perhaps I can resonate with the deepest feelings of others
I would never share my deepest feelings
10. If someone I’m dating suddenly becomes cold and distant…
I feel indifferent, even relieved as they’ll need less from me.
I feel like perhaps I’ve done something wrong or perhaps they’ve found someone new
I feel like I need to delve deeper into what is happening without feeling sorry for myself.
I feel angry and vengeful.
We are analysing your personal attachment style results right now and preparing a comprehensive summary. On a side note, it is important to understand attachment styles as a sliding scale rather than a fixed set of categories. Here are the reason why…
1. Your attachment style is not fixed but rather plastic, meaning you can over time heal an insecure attachment style, just as you can create more insecurity in your attachment style if you hang around toxic people in your life. Having a sliding scale offers you a solid direction to move towards.
2. Attachment styles should be considered as secure or insecure attachment styles with levels of severity when it comes to insecure attachment. This helps you understand how your own attachment styles developed in the first place and what direction you need to take in order to heal from attachment style traumas. (We’ll explain this further in the first email you’ll get from us.)
3. Almost everyone with an insecure attachment style has multiple categories and patterns within that insecure attachment, (of course to differing degrees).
In other words, you don’t just have a pure anxious attachment style. That may be the predominant pattern in your nervous system, but there is also avoidant in there too when you’re nervous system is overloaded and sick of being anxious all the time. This is why it’s more important to see this framework as a sliding scale and not just a mere set of categories.
So your personal attachment style will fit along the scale you see below.
In order to get your personal attachment style score, please enter your best email address so that we can securely send this to you. (As well as give you $3,765 worth of coaching bonuses to help you cultivate secure attachment within yourself!)
And yes, we'll treat your email like it was our firstborn.
Lots of people everywhere are dealing with crushes right now. Some of them are struggling like you.
It’s normal, and you’re not alone.
However, it’s ok to admit that having this crush is becoming a burden on your shoulders, and you need to talk to someone about it.
Talking about your unrequited feelings with someone can help you process them and move on from them.
It’s cathartic.
So perhaps find a friend or mentor who has the emotional resources to hear you out and give you space to process and grieve.
And…remember, this is temporary!
By its very definition, a crush is temporary!
You will move on to a new you. Someone who can emotionally connect with someone who loves you back just as much as you love them.
Your crush may be unattainable. But that doesn’t make them valuable.
Know this, remember this, process this!
Lots of famous or desirable people are desirable on the surface, but have serious issues within themselves.
Lots of famous and desirable people truly are awesome and high value too of course. I don’t want to detract from the real value that those people have.
But don’t let yourself get addicted to the idea of them simply because you can’t have them.
(There’s lots of things we can’t have in this world that aren’t actually that great!)
By the way, would you like to discover one specific emotional trigger within every masculine man on earth that inspires him to want to emotionally commit to you?
CLICK HERE to LEARN the One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Masculine Man That Inspires Him to Want to Take Care of You, Worship You and Deeply Commit to You.
Social media can become an addiction to begin with, because it triggers the brain’s reward system to release dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical.
So don’t add insult to injury by obsessively stalking/following them on social media.
Here’s why:
Because not only does it deepen your obsession over them and keep you in that obsessive loop, it can start to make you post for them on your own accounts.
As you yearn for them more, your posts reflect that obsession even more, and it may start to make you look less and less sane.
This may not apply if your crush is a celebrity you don’t even know, but if your crush is someone you already know, it definitely does apply.
You don’t want to run your social media accounts around them, and you don’t want to stalk their accounts either.
So stop following them. Give your mind and soul a break from that fake world of social media.
What you’re digesting is what they want you to see.
Meanwhile, they’re sitting on the toilet crapping each day just like any other human.
Plus, maybe they’re not as happy, successful and good looking as they want to make you believe.
You can lessen your romantic feelings for your crush by forcing yourself to engage with them like you would anyone else.
Look into their eyes and see them as human.
This may sound like a strange step but it’s important moving forward, because when we have a crush on someone, we can get overwhelmed with nerves around them.
So I want you to force yourself to look them in the eyes and engage with them as a fellow human.
That’s what they are, after all. Right?
I know you think he’s Mr. Perfect, but that’s all in your head.
SPECIAL REPORT: How to Become the World’s Most Attractive & Feminine Goddess (Even if you have no self esteem or no man has ever paid you any attention…) CLICK HERE to download it at no cost.
Even though they’re just a crush, and even though it’s just infatuation that passes, you should grieve your fantasy.
Accept that it’s just an idealisation of who the person is by grieving the loss of this fantasy image.
Although fantasies aren’t real, we get attached to them, so give it all the respect it needs by grieving what it never was.
A fantasy can become so real that it’s hard to let go.
But it’s ok to let go. It’s ok to surrender to the grieving process.
There may be that pressing question in the back of your mind…what if there’s a chance we could be together?
Though crushes are often seen as unrequited love, there’s a tiny percentage of crushes that do end in a real relationship.
I don’t want to dismiss that possibility entirely.
I mean, apparently Katie Holmes crushed on Tom Cruise for a long time before they ended up together (and produced a child through that marriage).
I know that that particular marriage was relatively short-lived and they went their separate ways. But their relationship produced a beautiful, healthy daughter.
So Katie Holmes’s crush served a purpose.
If you truly believe you’re meant to be with someone and know in your gut that you’re meant to be with them (or can somehow attract them into your life), I don’t want to take that possibility away from you.
I also don’t want to discount the possibility that there are unknown, unproven forces possibly at work with your crush.
There are lots of things that science cannot explain yet.
So if you believe you can end up together with your crush and it’s not just some fantasy world you’re living in, you can pursue that….at your own cost.
Just be careful. Try to stay grounded in reality.
Because there’s nothing worse than looking back at your actions in the future and regretting how you spent your time.
Crushes last on average of a few weeks to a few months, according to psychologists.
They can be healthy, and they can be toxic.
A crush is healthy when you’re practicing the emotions and actions of falling in love.
They can also be healthy when no one is filling that empty space in your life.
As long as you’re not being manipulated into crushing on someone.
And as long as you’re not having a crush on them due to reenacting childhood traumas or looking for a replacement parent.
Fact: Some men will string you along for as long as you will tolerate and never fully commit to you. Answer these 8 questions to discover precisely how commitment friendly your man is.
1. When I speak to other guys, and give attention to other men...
He gets jealous and isn't afraid to show it.
I know he gets jealous underneath but he tries to keep it cool
He doesn't have a hint of jealousy!
I don't know.
2. How willing is he to have a fight or argument with me?
He tries hard to avoid fights or arguments
He always wants things his way and won't listen to me
He doesn't show any avoidance to arguments.
I don't know.
3. What is his relationship with his father like?
He has a huge respect and talks fondly of his father.
There's not really a relationship between him and his father.
He talks about his father with disdain.
I don't know.
4. When I first started dating him, he mentioned commitment & long term relationships
Quite often, and he has been happy talking about it.
Occasionally, and he's a bit guarded when talking about it.
Never, he never likes to mention commitment at all.
I'm not sure...
5. How many long term committed relationships has he had?
At least 3 long term relationships...
Just one or two.
He's never had a long term relationship before...
I don't know...
6. How often does he push for sex?
All the time, and he gets pissed off if I don't give him sex.
Rarely ever, he cares about how I feel.
Never, he is a real gentleman
I'm not sure...
7. How keen is he to introduce you to his friends and family
Very keen, he wants everyone to get along with me.
He's not sure, he says he needs to find the right time.
Not keen at all, he tends to avoid the topic and drag it out.
I'm not sure...
8. How much effort has he shown you that he wants to learn about your friends and family?
Not much at all, he never asks me about my friends or family.
On the odd occasion, but he doesn't care about it too deeply.
He is always very fascinated with my friends and family
I don't really know...
We are analysing your quiz results right now and preparing a comprehensive summary. (It's a 15 min read)
In your personalised results email, we will also give you free advice and coaching to help you inspire a deep sense of emotional commitment from the man of your choice, even if you've had no luck with men so far.
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Refocus your energy towards the one you’re committed to.
Crush on them again.
You’re with them for a reason, right?
Did you ever fall in love with your boyfriend or husband?
If so, then focus on those traits, because those traits will be in their soul, still.
This is kid of a way to appreciate what you have more and to develop feelings for your man again.
It’s a conscious effort to be loyal and to build on the attraction you have towards your lover by appreciating and focusing on what is so high value about them.
If you never fell in love with or felt attracted to your committed partner, then maybe you got into the wrong relationship for the wrong reasons?
Only you can truly know the answer to that.
I thought I’d include this one last piece of advice:
Sometimes it helps to focus on honing your relationship skills than it does to go looking for a new crush.
Why?
Because although having a crush can be healthy, it’s not as productive and effective as actually having the skills of building connection and attraction with a man.
When you have the skills, you’ll be closer to living our your dream of pair bonding with a wonderful man.
Here’s a couple of article that will help you do this:
As a living, breathing human, you are wired to pair bond with a high quality, desirable mate.
Contrary to modern values and progressive views, your body is made to reproduce, whether you’re a man or a woman, a unicorn or a fish.
Because of this, you will see some beautiful human beings out there and want to be with them.
You will fantasize about them, fantasize about them fantasizing about you, and you’ll want them with every cell in your body.
Occasionally, you see one particular human whom you believe is special, and you will focus your attention on them.
You’ll focus on trying to ‘get’ them or get them to like you.
This is normal, but the best way to do your crush justice as well as get over it, is to appreciate the mechanism of crushing on someone within you.
It’s here to serve you and your crush is just some other person. If they weren’t alive, you’d crush on someone else.
I hope you found my tips helpful. Ultimately it is up to you to do the work of getting over a crush.
No one can do the work for you, they can only point you in the direction and support you emotionally.
I wish you all the best and please refer back to this article again anytime you wish for emotional support!
P.S. CLICK HERE to check out my full article archives! Or you may greatly benefit from one of our highly popular paid programs, CLICK HERE to see what we offer right now.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.