While caring for my sweet elderly mother and trying to manage my rebellious father, I was advised to enroll them in an Adult Day Care program to give them something to besides, “waiting to die”, as my father would always say. I scoffed at the idea, as I couldn’t even get my father in the shower—so how in the world was I going to get him to go there? And what was it anyway—like a nursing home or something?
A year later (and at my wit’s end), I decided it was worth a try after I went to see the beautiful Adult Day Care Center nearby. I pleaded with my father for weeks on end before he begrudgingly consented to go. My mother absolutely loved it (“oh honey, I won some lovely earrings at the bingo!”), but my father was bound and determined to sabotage the whole thing and get back to his bed. I was so embarrassed because the staff spent the entire day trying to manage him, as he wouldn’t leave my mother alone, holding on to her too tight and touching her inappropriately (which he had never done before). Then, he threw his lunch on the floor during a terrible temper tantrum, and then tried to escape out the bathroom window. By the time I picked them up, the entire staff was completely exhausted and sincerely doubted that he would ever accept attending–they hoped!
Well… if I had to do it again, here’s what I’d do: First, I’d have Mary (one of the social workers), call my father a few times and develop a relationship with him over the phone. Then I’d have her “drop in” with some cookies, because she just happened to be in the neighborhood. I’d have her ask my father if he could please come over to The Center to “help” with something–like the bingo or singing class, or if he could play his accordion to entertain the seniors there. By giving him a “job” and telling him he was needed there–he’d have been honored and may have consented to go help out. Then, he’d make some friends and get into the routine of going there.
But, if that didn’t work… after taking my parents out for a drive one day, I’d casually stop at The Center and say, “Oh look where we are! Why don’t we drop in and say hello to Mary, who was so sweet to stop by the other day?” I’d have an appointment set up to take a tour and meet the staff and other seniors. I’d have Mary ask him for his help with preparing lunch for everyone, as he loved to cook, and then I’d have her ask if he could look into fixing something for her. I’d have her ask for Mom’s help with folding the laundry–her favorite task. Then, I’d go with my parents to The Center as many times as needed, a little longer each time, until my father felt comfortable and safe. I wish I had understood how scary any kind of change can be for an elder, particularly for one as controlling as my father with the beginning of dementia. Yes, a gradual transition could have saved so much Kleenex!
And even though I did it all wrong, I finally succeeded in getting my father to accept the routine of going to Adult Day Care. It was really something, as he ended up loving it–often waking me up early in the morning and asking if it was time to go yet. Then, I was so shocked because it wasn’t long before my parents became shining success stories, progressing dramatically in their behavior and strength. Their doctors were so impressed and I was delighted they were better than they’d been in years. Finally they had someplace to go, friends to see, and numerous activities to look forward to. The stress on me to entertain them was dramatically reduced, as was my blood pressure, and the activities would tire them out so they’d sleep through the night—which meant I would too!
Now I lecture all over the country about caregiving issues and I always mention the tremendous value of Adult Day Care—unfortunately, the best-kept secret in eldercare. I smile each time I hear the same reluctance, “Oh Jacqueline, they would never go there.” Then I explain the whole thing and how that with a little extra creative effort and patience, a significant difference can be made in the lives of their elderly loved ones (even the “challenging” ones), as well as themselves–the overwhelmed caregivers.
Yes, I get many “Thank You, Thank You, Thank you!!” emails.
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Jacqueline Marcell is a national speaker on eldercare and the author of, “Elder Rage”, a Book-of-the-Month Club selection being considered for a feature film. Over fifty endorsements include: Hugh Downs, Regis Philbin and Dr. Dean Edell. Jacqueline also hosts a radio program heard worldwide on: http://www.wsradio.com/copingwithcaregiving . For more information: http://www.ElderRage.com
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