A lot of work goes into preparing for a baby. New room
arrangements, child-care decisions, childbirth classes, and
endless shopping help you plan for all the changes a baby
brings. But how do you plan for the changes that might occur in
you?
Many women find that motherhood changes them. In truth, it may
shake the very foundation of their lives. Their priorities
shift; they see the world differently. For many women, the
change that overcomes them in motherhood is inspiring and
joyful. But for some women, it’s scary. For others, it can be
downright depressing. How do you make sure that as your world
suddenly changes around you, you still feel solid in the
knowledge of who you really are, so that new motherhood is the
most positive experience possible?
One way is to secure a strong sense of yourself before your baby
is born. We often hear that being a good mom comes from being a
good you, but how can you do that if you don’t really know who
you are? You need to be clear on what you care about most. In
other words, you need to know your core values.
Living in sync with your values is key to your fulfillment and
contentment. And trust us, at no time is this more true than
when you become a mother. Suddenly, the focus of your life
changes. Your identity changes. Your perspective changes. As you
care for, play with and fall in love with your baby, it can be
easy to lose touch with yourself. Knowing your values will keep
you grounded. You will feel more centered as a person, and
therefore, as a mother. As a result, you can give more to your
baby without giving away your self.
In order to live your values, you need to get to know them,
understand what they mean to you, and remember them so you can
stay true to what’s really important to you. Doing so will help
you be more relaxed and content despite the overwhelm and
excitement that new motherhood can bring. The steps below can
help you identify your values so they become your foundation for
motherhood.
Identifying Your Values
Identifying your values is a personal process that takes time
and reflection. When we work with women in our workshops and
private coaching sessions, the first step we have them take is
to identify their values by brainstorming all the things,
people, activities and states of being that fulfill them and
make them feel alive. You can do this on your own by simply
asking yourself the question: “What’s truly important to me and
brings me to life?” We encourage you to let the answers flow
without trying to analyze, edit, or approve them. Just scribble
them all down on a piece of paper and don’t censor anything!
The next step is to use your brainstorm to start defining your
values. The things that you listed are important clues to your
values, but they are not necessarily the values themselves.
Values are intangible – they are the essence behind things that
gives them their worth. For instance, if you listed your friends
as important to you, look at what it is about your friends that
you value. Is it the sense of belonging? Laughter? Support?
Those are all possible values. If money made it to your list,
what is it about money that you most value? Security? Freedom?
Pleasure? Again, these are potential values. It’s easy to
mistake the thing or person or activity as a value, but these
are only manifestations of your underlying values.
Ideally, we suggest having a short list of five to seven values
that represent what matters most in your life. We have included
a list of sample values below to give you ideas. Try circling
the ones that ring true for you. Then narrow your list to five
or seven by asking yourself, “Which values do I need to honor in
order to be truly fulfilled?”
TrustFaithServiceCaringCompassion RelationshipQuality of
LifeHealth AchievementAuthenticity
WellnessRenewalFreedomBeautyIntegrity
LearningGrowthFunChoiceSecurity JoyGratitudeOuter PeaceInner
PeaceHonesty GenerosityAdventureOrderAbundanceSpirituality
AudacityImpactIntensitySimplicityHarmony
ClarityFrugalityIndependenceDiscoveryLove
AcceptanceWisdomCreativityImaginationForgiveness
BalanceCourageTruthDelightPleasure
AccomplishmentRespectCourtesyOpennessPower
Personalizing Your Values
Of course, every woman is different, and so are her values. We
encourage you to experiment with your values and make up words
that suit you best. You can even put words together to describe
your own unique view of life.
For instance, we know one mother who has a value she calls “wide
margins” – an image that reminds her to schedule her time very
loosely so that she can be spontaneous and flexible, no matter
what the day might bring. Another mom we know made up a value
called “bees and honey” that helps her remember to create,
cherish, and harvest the sweetness of life. There are no rules
about how your values should look or sound; what matters is that
they speak to you about what’s most important in your life.
Understanding Your Values
To really make your values a part of your life, it’s important
to think about what each one means to you. How does each value
show up in your life? The value of “spirituality” may mean going
to church for one person, spending time in meditation for
another, and walking in the woods for another. You and your best
friend might both have a value around “family,” but one of you
might mean spending quiet time at home while the other means
creating boisterous, house-filling reunions. Taking the time to
connect to what your values mean to you makes them yours instead
of just a list of words.
Living Your Values
With a new, clearer sense of your values, you make it possible
to live according to what really matters to you. Try on your
values for size. Live your life from a new point of view. How
would your approach to motherhood change if you always lived
according to your values? What would be harder? What would be
easier? What new decisions would you make? Experiment with your
values for a few weeks. See what new insights they bring you. We
call this living your values, and it’s one of the most powerful
things you can do to find balance in motherhood.
When you become a mother, it’s important to be ready for some
changes. Although the specific things that are important to you
may change after your baby is born, your values endure. As your
life, your schedule, your habits, and your relationships change,
you can align them with your values in new ways that suit your
new life without shaking the core of who you really are. Your
values allow you to keep your identity and maintain what is
intrinsic to your happiness, despite all of the changes life
(and especially motherhood) can bring. And that’s one solid
foundation for motherhood.