On one of her quarterly visits to see her grandson, my
three-year-old son, my mother ignores the available front seat
of the car, crowds into the back next to the car seat and
promptly unwraps a lollipop. Feeling the tension rising, I
recall the numerous conversations where I so proudly tell my
mother how I keep sugar away from my son. “Mom, what are you
doing? Haven’t you heard a word I said?” And so it starts. The
struggle of being an adult with my parent.
So much is written today about taking care of our parents as
they age. Monitoring medical care, determining living
arrangements and providing emotional support are the new roles
that we have taken on to help our parents age gracefully and
with dignity. We are the “Sandwich Generation,” the growing
number of adult children squeezed between the needs of an aging
parent and the demands of our own children, spouses and careers.
But not much is written about the stage prior to this phase.
That time when our parents are still healthy and active and
still very much involved in our own lives. I am talking about
that period of time when you, yourself, are an active adult,
with a family and a husband and life of your very own. That is
when the struggle to be an adult with your parents begins. So,
which Mom really knows best?
As a Relationship Coach, I often hear, “My mother can get under
my skin in less than 10 seconds.” After all these years, your
parents can still find ways to throw you off-balance and
resurrect old habits. They are your biggest fans and your
harshest critics. And, whether we like to admit it or not, we
continue to want their approval no matter how old, how
independent or how successful we are. In short, your parent’s
opinions remain extremely important. We want our Moms to respect
our choices and admire the lives that we created. After all,
isn’t our success a reflection of their efforts as a mother? But
sometimes, they seem so quick to criticize. So what can we do?
Find New Ways to Connect As a fellow mother and wife, we assume
that the best way to connect with our mothers is on issues of
parenting, family and marriage. However, these are often hot-bed
issues which lead to unwanted advise. Discover other mutual
interests to talk about and share. Talk about politics, take
walks, meet at the gym, garden together, go to the movies or
theater, bring your Mother to your job so she can see where you
work and meet colleagues, join a book club. Enrich your
relationship by finding other ways to connect and other issues
to talk about.
Create Boundaries We have all heard this, but what exactly does
it mean? In an effort to be closer, we sometimes offer too much
information. A small detail becomes a point of scrutiny. It is
all right to answer our parents’ questions with limited
information. Be proactive. Offer information about something you
know your mother will ask about before she asks. This puts the
communication in your hands. Be clear with your mother. Do not
expect her to know which areas she can comment on and which
areas are off limits. It is your job as the adult child to
define the limits. But be careful, here. You cannot go both
ways. You cannot tell your mother that she cannot comment on
your husband and then call her when you have a fight with him.
Call a girlfriend. Find another network of support for that
area.
Validate Feelings and Beliefs. Your new ways of doing things may
feel like a threat to your parents. Without intending to, your
way may seem like a personal attack against the way you were
raised. Feeling offended, your mother may try to influence you
either to retaliate or to create a comfort level. It is
important to share with your mom that, as an adult, you have
taken all that she has taught you to create new ways of doing
things with your family. You have needed to compromise and
synthesize everyone’s ways to create a new way that works for
all. Recognize that you and your mother have a right to your own
opinions, even if they are different from each other.
Get a Guide There is such a stigma in asking for help,
especially for woman. However, a third-party perspective can
make all the difference in how you communicate with your
parents. This does not mean therapy or counseling. Find a Coach,
a guide or even clergy who specializes in relationship issues.
Be sure your Coach helps you both to focus on your goals for the
relationship. In other words, what do you want your future with
your Mom to be like? Do you really need to hash out and analyze
the past or are you ready to learn the skills to move forward?
Also, make sure your Coach can offer immediate tools to use to
help you diffuse potentially contentious situations. Ask
Questions. “Why do you ask?” “How does that make you feel when I
do that?” “Why would you do it that way?” What is your mother’s
real intent when she does something that gets under your skin?
If asked, she would probably be shocked that she hurt your
feelings. Her intent was to help, not hurt. What is behind that
seemingly critical statement or probing question? You may be
surprised to find that she has her own agenda that is separate
from what seemed like a criticism. Before you react, ask
genuinely interested questions. This also takes the focus off of
you and onto her.
As my mother offered my son the lollipop, I choked down my
frustration and sincerely asked her why she gave him the candy.
Her answer caught me off guard. She expressed how hard it was
for her that she lives so far away, that she could not help
raise him and that she feared he would forget her from visit to
visit. She explained that in her limited time with him, she
wanted to bring pure joy and excitement and make him feel
special. As I listened to this, I recognized that to my mother,
all of that was represented in a lollipop. And what kind of
mother was I to deny my son all those wonderful feelings? I also
recognized that I could be true to my way of doing things and
still love and respect my mother.
© 2004, XY Outlook, Inc.