There are many annoying and sometimes narcissistic behaviors to watch out for in modern dating, and one of them is breadcrumbing.
Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you attention and validation inconsistently and in small amounts.
They never give you enough to make you feel like they’re in a committed relationship with you, but just enough to make you wonder whether there’s the possibility of a relationship in the future.
(On the other hand, you may already know there’s no future deep down in your gut, but you get stuck in the cycle of responding to their crumbs because you’re hooked.)
Now:
The key to remember here is that anyone can engage in breadcrumbing behavior.
There are narcissistic, abusive people who breadcrumb, and there are “normal” people who breadcrumb.
Obviously, the breadcrumbing that abusive people do would feel even more traumatic than the breadcrumbing you’d experience from someone who is simply indecisive about their love life.
At the heart of it, breadcrumbing in dating is when someone keeps you around for their own ends.
They care about the sex, power and attention you can give them, though.
And so they will not want to fully let you go. It’s frustrating.
They’ll keep you in the background, giving you crumbs here and there that make you feel like there may be hope for a future together.
Take a look at this situation a member of ours was in. It showcases some typical red flags of breadcrumbing in dating:
And some of the responses she got below confirm the breadcrumbing:
If you are dealing with breadcrumbing in dating and you consider yourself to be a “nice” girl, I recommend you let go of that identity for now, to deal with the breadcrumber effectively.
To deal with breadcrumbers, you can’t be too weak.
Here are two words you can say that will allow you to get your point across to a guy whilst also keeping your high value.
Breadcrumbing in a relationship is different in that the breadcrumber is officially in a relationship with you (due to marriage or due to just to labels you’ve collectively put on the relationship).
MORE: TOP 3 Red Flags In Men to Never Ignore.
Breadcrumbing in a relationship usually occurs when:
MORE: 24 Revealing Signs He Has No Feelings For You.
Breadcrumbing in a relationship is quite abusive and it’s worse for you in the sense that you’ve likely had a longer history with the breadcrumber.
You really have to work hard to break that type of tie.
Fact: Some men will string you along for as long as you will tolerate and never fully commit to you. Answer these 8 questions to discover precisely how commitment friendly your man is.
1. When I speak to other guys, and give attention to other men...
He gets jealous and isn't afraid to show it.
I know he gets jealous underneath but he tries to keep it cool
He doesn't have a hint of jealousy!
I don't know.
2. How willing is he to have a fight or argument with me?
He tries hard to avoid fights or arguments
He always wants things his way and won't listen to me
He doesn't show any avoidance to arguments.
I don't know.
3. What is his relationship with his father like?
He has a huge respect and talks fondly of his father.
There's not really a relationship between him and his father.
He talks about his father with disdain.
I don't know.
4. When I first started dating him, he mentioned commitment & long term relationships
Quite often, and he has been happy talking about it.
Occasionally, and he's a bit guarded when talking about it.
Never, he never likes to mention commitment at all.
I'm not sure...
5. How many long term committed relationships has he had?
At least 3 long term relationships...
Just one or two.
He's never had a long term relationship before...
I don't know...
6. How often does he push for sex?
All the time, and he gets pissed off if I don't give him sex.
Rarely ever, he cares about how I feel.
Never, he is a real gentleman
I'm not sure...
7. How keen is he to introduce you to his friends and family
Very keen, he wants everyone to get along with me.
He's not sure, he says he needs to find the right time.
Not keen at all, he tends to avoid the topic and drag it out.
I'm not sure...
8. How much effort has he shown you that he wants to learn about your friends and family?
Not much at all, he never asks me about my friends or family.
On the odd occasion, but he doesn't care about it too deeply.
He is always very fascinated with my friends and family
I don't really know...
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People breadcrumb for different reasons. Remember at the start of this article I mentioned that there are abusive people who breadcrumb, and then there are non abusive people who breadcrumb.
So the reasons for breadcrumbing behavior largely depend on the personality of the breadcrumber, and the motivations of the person doing it.
Let’s have a look at some possible answers to the question: why do people breadcrumb?
Again:
There are sinister reasons why people breadcrumb, and then there are more “innocent” reasons – which usually pertain to their internal uncertainty and their inability to see their own actions objectively.
Some definitely do. And the ones who do know usually don’t care, and don’t mind. They’re just there to get what they want.
Other breadcrumbers have absolutely no idea what they are doing – to you or to themselves.
They don’t realize that due to their selfish ways, they are:
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Breadcrumbing behavior manifests in several different ways. But here are some examples:
MORE: 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.
Now I’m going to briefly talk about the more sinister motivations for breadcrumbing, the type used by toxic, narcissistic abusers, called intermittent reinforcement.
When a narcissist breadcrumbs you, it’s toxic and manipulative and it often creates what is called a trauma bond.
This type of abusive behavior is still called breadcrumbing, but it’s also called intermittent reinforcement. Intermittent reinforcement is a term that originated from B.F. Skinner’s theories on operant conditioning.
When thinking about what intermittent reinforcement is, we need to look at each of the words separately to gain a good understanding.
Intermittent means sporadic or irregular, and reinforcement means the action or process of strengthening something.
What this means is that a breadcrumber will partake in intermittent reinforcement by:
By the time they’re done taking from you, you’re already worn down, so much that the crumbs of love or the “reinforcement” they give you feel like nirvana.
Their behavior will turn you into an emotional rollercoaster.
Here’s an example of this painful situation from our group:
Someone engaging in intermittent reinforcement/breadcrumbing might:
If you want to find out for sure how serious he is about you, I recommend you take my free quiz to find out:
QUIZ TIME: Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with this specially crafted quiz!
VIDEO: Is he Serious or Just “Interested”? Critical Distinction.
Not all breadcrumbers are narcissists. However if they are a serial breadcrumber, they may be a narcissist. Serial breadcrumbers have been found to have personalities associated with elevated levels of narcissism.
What is the impact on you if you experience breadcrumbing?
Nothing particularly good.
Experiencing breadcrumbing will:
What about the impact of narcissistic breadcrumbing?
The effect on you after having experienced narcissistic breadcrumbing is pretty bad. It can cause you to:
Simply put, tolerating being breadcrumbed can make you so traumatized that you’re on edge in future relationships.
Experiencing such trauma always comes at a huge price to your emotional stability and mental health.
This is why it’s imperative for you to be beyond tolerating it.
You can’t be weak and you can’t be at the whim of a breadcrumber. But we will talk more about how to deal with breadcrumbing now.
This number one tip for not being breadcrumbed is going to require you to take full responsibility for your actions.
Now:
I want you to know that taking full responsibility for your side doesn’t mean you are blaming yourself for the breadcrumber’s actions – far from it.
You are just taking back control.
You are making it easy for yourself to stay high value, say no, and to walk away.
The number one tip for how to handle being breadcrumbed, whether it’s in person or over text, is to stop valuing (or needing) short term gratification.
Research shows that a reason why people tolerate breadcrumbing is due to a need for short term gratification.
Basically, they can’t seem to let go of that next crumb of attention or validation.
So you need to fully let go of hope for attention, fake love and validation. This is hard, as it’s akin to undoing an old habit. But it’s the one most authentic (and long-lasting) way to turn the tables on a breadcrumber.
Here are some tips to accomplish this:
Decide that you no longer need the attention and validation – even if the alternative is sitting in your grief, loneliness and pain.
Because if you choose to need the short term gratification again, all you will do is simply delay the grieving and the emotional processing.
But when you delay it, you make it much harder – on yourself and on your future lover.
So here’s what you need to do. Say this out loud to yourself in front of a mirror:
“I don’t need your attention. I don’t need your fake idea of love.”
And…
“I choose what is real. And that’s not you.”
Recommended: 10 Ultimate Signs Of A Healthy Relationship.
Which one of these 8 feminine archetypes are you? Answer these 21 questions to discover which feminine archetype you are and how it positively and negatively affects every relationship you have. (Especially your intimate relationship with men.)
1. True or false... A man and a woman should get along if they love each other.
True
False
I don't know...
2. In my old age, it’s more important to look back and know that
You’ve connected with others and created strong bonds
You’ve achieved all your dreams
You had truly cared about those around you
You ticked everything off of your bucket list
3. I can often feel other people’s intentions from a mile away
4. Which is more true?
Conflicts serve a good purpose in my relationship
Conflicts are to be avoided in my relationship
Conflict will cause my relationship to die
With the right man, conflicts only strengthen our relationship
5. On a rainy day, I prefer…
The safety and warmth of my home
The excitement of a new exotic location
6. When I’m faced with something unknown, I trust
My gut feelings more than my thoughts
My thoughts more than my gut feelings
7. In social situations, I am...
The peacemaker who ensures everyone feels included.
The dominant personality who likes to lead.
The enigmatic figure who draws others in with mystery.
The observer who watches from the sidelines.
8. I would prefer...
Pleasure of the mind
Pleasure of the soul
9. When a friend is upset, my first instinct is to:
Run away, I’ve been used by enough friends
Give them some space until they're ready to talk.
Suggest practical solutions to their problems.
Give them a hug and listen to them
10. How important are other people’s feelings?
Super important to me.
Little importance to me.
Other people’s feelings are none of my business.
11. Regarding sex...
I prefer he initiated sex with me
I’m more than comfortable taking what I want from him in the bedroom
12. It’s more important to…
Pursue my own dreams and goals
Live cohesively in my tribe
13. When I have to make a tough decision…
My brain always knows the better answer
My gut always tells me what to do
I will get all the facts and data and make a decision
Give it some time and the answer will come to me
14. I believe in premonitions
True
False
I’m willing to entertain the idea
It’s a load of nonsense
15. The thought of newborn babies make me feel…
Very emotional and tender
Terrified
Happy and calm
I’m relatively indifferent to newborn babies
16. In my current or previous relationship…
I enjoy how a man is so different to me
I get annoyed that a man is so different to me
We are so different I often thought I’d be better off alone
His differences make me appreciate and love him more
17. When someone hurts themselves...
I rush to see if they need help
I’d rather see them help themselves
18. When I meet someone for the first time, I get a gut feeling whether I can trust them or not.
Very true
It usually takes me a while to figure this out
19. I would prefer to be more...
Liked by others
Envied by others
20. Confrontations are...
To be avoided if possible
Can often work in my favour
21. In terms of dancing…
I love to dance and move my body
I find it a chore
We are analysing your feminine archetype right now and preparing your personalised summary.
Here’s something interesting to know before moving forward…
Every single one of these archetypes has strengths and weaknesses. No matter how ego stroking it may be to identify with your archetype, know that it’s just a starting point.
It is your job to be aware of the strengths and weaknesses so that you can grow, evolve and become who you are meant to become.
Ultimately you want to become a full multi-dimensional human being. In order to truly become a high value individual, you want to tap into the value that every part of you has to bring to the table.
This feminine archetype quiz is one step along this journey to help you discover who you are, and who you will become.
So here is the next step.
Please enter your first name and email below so that we can safely deliver your feminine archetype results and send to you the extended explanation. (As well as give you $3,765 worth of coaching bonuses!)
And yes, we'll treat your email like it was our firstborn.
The best way to respond to breadcrumbing via text is with high value banter.
Banter is an amazing tool for dealing with:
Why?
Because banter will introduce spontaneity into the interactions, and that will bring more of the truth to the surface.
Specifically, their lack of emotional investment in you and their lack of emotional attunement to you.
So if you want to, you can take my husband David’s free class on High Value Banter here.
In this class, you will gain free examples, good laughs and the ability to weed out the weak men while attracting the “BEST” of men.
In conclusion, breadcrumbing is a toxic behavior that is of little benefit to you and your love life.
What you get out of breadcrumbing is short term attention at the cost of your long term sanity.
If you want to stop attracting breadcrumbers, the answer is to stop saying yes to short term gratification.
There are men out there who seek emotional intimacy – you don’t have to settle for idiots!
I advise you to take your love life seriously and learn the art of high value banter, because this is the secret to attracting emotionally mature, healthy, commitment-oriented men.
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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